~ Fallen Leaves ~

:: A little something after such a long time ::

2007-01-31T20:45:00.000Z

With my intense masters course and the remaining lack of time I have for leisure, readers might have noticed that I have not blogged in ages!!!! Recently, I have done a film review for one of my units and so I thought it would be a good opportunity to post something I have done on my blog (kill two birds with one stone). Not really sure when I would post something again. I must confess that I do miss writing for leisure, without having to expose myself to criticisms and harsh judgements by lecturers or editors and being able to write anything I fancy and feel comfortable with. I really miss writing about my thoughts, really miss reaching into that small, dark and sometimes unheard part of my heart and listen to it once in a while. I have forgotten how I got my past inspirations from, forgotten about my thoughts and opinions on the mundane yet beautiful things in life.

Anyway, here I shall attach my review on the film 'Blood Diamond.'

Blood Diamond - Review

They say: "Diamonds are a girl's best friend" but in Blood Diamond, a story about the illegal diamond trade in Africa, diamonds are the worst nightmare for most people living in Africa.

Set in Sierra Leone, the film portrays the themes of wealth and greed. The rebels committing atrocious acts and the powerful possess all the wealth while the poor and vulnerable becomes the slaves to their greed. Solomon Vandy (Djimon Hounsou), a fisherman is one of those who have fallen slavery to the greedy. After Vandy's village has been cruelly raided by the rebels, he is separated from his family and forced to work in the diamond fields by the rebels who need the gems to finance their weapons. By chance, Vandy finds a big pink diamond which he manages to bury during a military attack. Both Vandy and the rebels end up in prison. Here, diamond smuggler, Danny Archer (Leonardo DiCaprio) learns of Vandy’s find. With hopes of obtaining the stone, Archer gets him and Vandy out of jail. Archer promised to help Vandy find his family and in return, Vandy will lead him to the diamond. Along with the help of journalist, Maddy Bowen (Jennifer Connelly), the three venture into the darkest and ugliest truths of Africa.

With the releases of The Manchurian Candidate, The Constant Gardener and the recent release of The Last King of Scotland, one might be expecting the usual conspiracies involved and the somewhat complicated and boring plot in Blood Diamond. However, this action-thriller proves to be more than just the cliche storyline. The little-known yet haunting prevalence of conflict diamonds is brought forward through the big screen. The film reflects the nature of the world where wealth, power and greed are the root of all evils. Compassion and loyalty to fellow men no longer have the place to make its presence for the sake of diamonds. The notion of 'Child Labour' has also taken a dramatic and extreme turn when children were trained and brainwashed into child soldiers.

Nonetheless, it is also this ugly but true reflection of the world that evokes powerful emotions and thoughts in the minds of audiences. The heartwarming nature of fatherly love and the steadfast loyalty shown in Vandy only proved to be more potent than ever when audiences make the comparisons between the cruel acts by the black rebels and the nonchalant attitudes of the whites with the selfless love a father and husband have for his family. The right from the wrong is immediately recognised and this realisation made without force or manipulation will leave an unfading mark in many.

As Solomon, Dijimon Hounsou brings intensity into his role. Dicaprio evolves from a pretty boy to someone who is capable of being taken seriously with his impeccable performance. Just like how director Edward Zwick directed The Last Samurai, he has once again trotted down on the same journey in Blood Diamond by making Whites predominantly the hero in a foreign land.

With its intense portrayal of the truth and powerful emotion-evoking techniques, Blood Diamond has proved itself to be a worthy film to watch.

-- Beep --

2006-09-19T12:56:00.000+01:00

Here to share something outrageous with all of you. Those with weak hearts or a very traditional mindset should stop reading right now coz I am going to share something rather unconventional so don't say I didn't warn you.

Last saturday night which is the 16th of September, after much hesistation, Marc and I went to a strip club! It was my first time to a strip club but I think it is Marc's third time. For me, I wanted the experience coz I have never been to a strip club before and just wondered what it is like and what the girls actually have to do there. I was rather nervous about going since it is a saturday night and most university students have returned so was expecting the strip club to be rather busy, so I was glad that I had Marc by my side to protect me. Just to make things clear, Marc merely went there for a laugh and to accompany me to a place which I have never ever been to so it was a kind gesture from him and definitely not that he harboured any pervy thoughts, he is not that kind of person. I can vouch for him!

Anyway, we arrived at the strip club around 11pm after attending my friend's party and surpringsly, it wasn't as busy as I thought it would be but as expected, I was the ONLY female customer in there. All others were either old businessmen or uni students. Girls in there were dressed quite provacatively with nothing more than lacy lingerie. We ordered a drink at the bar and then chose seats that had a view in a room where the strippers do lap dancing,the strippers actually do one on ones where one stripper came over to entertain us, I think it wasn't as busy too so they could afford to time to talk to customers.

You would expect the girls working there to be really slutty and bitchy, indeed some of them did act like bitches of the century but the girl who came over to keep us company was one of the loveliest people I have ever met. She was so easy to talk to and made the nervous me feel so at ease. On top of that, she was very pretty too and was a straight As student at college. I know many of you would think --- "How do you start a conversation at a strip club and what can you talk about?" Well, you just talk about anything under the sun with them. For me, I asked a lot of questions about what she was doing, whether she had a boyfriend, how old she was and we did talk about chinese names and about Singapore. Basically, we just talk about anything and I think the scope of the conversation was even wider than talking with people who you get to know from University coz you could ask her a lot of questions about what she is expected to do at her job and for a first timer like me, I had so many queries in mind that needed to be answered and I guess my questions got the conversation going on and on. She was a very patient person and a very very lovely girl and showed no signs of a bitchy stripper. I think I would be good friends with her if we were to meet under different circumstances coz we weren't allowed to exchange numbers (that is the rule of the strip club) and hence there was no way for me to keep in contact with her after.

There was a pole in the center of the room where a girl was doing pole dancing as we went in but I didn't get to watch it much, got a little caught up talking with the girl who came over to entertain us. Of course, Marc wasn't being left out, the both of us were enjoying our lengthy chat with her. After about half an hour or 45 mins later, Marc suggested a lap dance from her, it is only fair as that was the only way she could earn money and it wouldn't be nice for her having to sit with us just chatting. Initially, I i juz wanted to watch while marc gets a lap dance from her but she mentioned that I could go in together while she does one for the both of us but obviously I have to pay too. Since I've already taken the first step in going to a strip club, I really shouldn't stop there so I thought why not?

During the dance, we had to sit with our legs slightly apart with our hands behind us. We are only allowed to watch and not touch during the 3 and a half minutes dance. I was really nervous and had no idea where to look during the dance. Obviously, it wouldn't be polite to look elswhere when she is doing the lap dance and it would be awkward to look at her eyes when she is doing it so I had to make sure that I was giving her my full attention while speaking to Marc every now and again . She was a great dancer and was very fair on the both of us, taking turns equally to 'seduce' us. I think that was also one of the reasons why I liked her, would probably dislike her if she spent more time dancing for Marc instead of me, kinda dodgy if she did that but she was very professional and fair. Stayed at the strip club for another half and hour so, she came and spoke to me for a bit more after the dance and went off to mingle with the others as it was getting busier.

Although, it is kind of strange to go to such places with your boyfriend but I consider it to be a great experience and I was glad that I had this opportunity to do something so unconventional and novel and even happier that I was able to share these moments with my beloved Marc. It is no doubt special to be able to try new things with your partner which could allow the relationship to grow and strengthen as a result. It feels so special that your boyfriend is also like a best friend to you too!

* Hats Off *

2006-09-15T16:00:00.000+01:00

The long awaited graduation ceremony has now come and gone. My graduation ceremony graced its presence on the 13th of September, Wednesday, with an extremely early start for me coz I wanted to get my pictures done before the ceremony. It was indeed a memorable day and it is sad that this day would be the last time all psychology students would come together and for me personally, this day also marks the end of my journey in the field of psychology as I am off to pursue Journalism for my masters. As far as I know, however far I steer away from psychology, it would always remain one of the most memorable things I have ever done in my life. I have always wanted to go into the field of psychology and I really have enjoyed the three years of understanding the human psyche and the enlightening information neuropsychology has provided, so grateful to be given an opportunity to complete a degree in psychology and I know I have not let myself down as I have earned myself an upper second class honours.

Unfortunately, my mum couldn't attend the graduation ceremony but having Marc as one of my guests still managed to make me as blissed and loved as anyone else who attended the ceremony with their parents. At the same time, had another good friend by my side too who is also Marc's good friend, Tom! Kinda feel like a queen having two gentlemen escorting me around the magnificient cathedral and helping me take loads of pictures to capture my special moment for a lifetime. Had lunch after with another one of Marc's friends, Jim, coming over straight after work. I am such a lucky girl, aren't I with the company of three lovely gentlemen who is ever so nice to me! Marc has been such a sweet and fantastic boyfriend ever since I returned from Singapore making me feel loved more than ever and this wee bit of sweetness has managed to make me even more certain about pursuing a future with him.

Nothing much is happening at the moment for me, just waiting to get enrolled into my masters' course which is taking place next friday. I am looking forward to going back to lectures, tutorials and seminars and meeting up with nice course mates (Hopefully!). I really hope that this year would go as smoothly as last and I would be able to excel in this course. I am not going to deny it but it is kind of daunting doing Journalism, it seems so realistic and so close to what I will be working on in future when I carve out my career. Of course, I will be giving in my 100% and hopefully my results would reflect the amount of effort I will be putting in and I will be even more proud of myself in the graduation ceremony next year.

As for now, here are some of the pictures taken on my special day.

Just got dressed up in my graduation gown. Was kinda nervous on that day that I dropped the graduation gown on my way to get dressed.

My gorgeous boyfriend!

Look at the magnificient cathedral

My study buddies

Tom, the lovely friend who took a day off work to attend my ceremony.

Bunny Marc bought me flowers too!! So sweet.

Katie, good friend and best housemate!

~^^ I am Back (to blogging) for Good ^^~

2006-09-08T20:10:00.000+01:00

Oh myyyy goddddddd!!! (* I am shrieking like Janice off 'Friends') It has been such a longgggg time since I have updated my 'beloved' blog (how ironic!! Since my blog is something beloved to me yet I could abandon this site for almost 3 months now). It is not that I was lazy and forgot every single memory this blog has given me but internet in Singapore was so atrociously bad that there was no way ever I could be online to check my mails or chat on msn, let alone update my blog hence many apologies to those who have been left disappointed each time this site has been visited. (Hopefully, I could still attract my old readers back and also any new readers out there.)

Nothing much has happened over the past few months, I went back to Singapore for the summer with Marc, only he stayed for 2 weeks while I stayed on till the end of August. Although there were odd times of having to miss Marc terribly but at the end of it all, I appreciated this opportunity to be away from him and look at our relationship in a totally new perspective - a clear and unbiased view, which had a surprising result. It has allowed me to see the flaws in the relationship, areas which needed improvements and efforts from the both of us to put in so as to enable our relationship to function even more smoothly, at the same time, I have also seen the strength in the love we have as this seperation has also put the relationship to a test. I have started to build so much faith and trust in Marc, many take it for granted that as long as true love is present, both parties in our relationship should be able to survive moments of seperation. Indeed this is true but at the same time, one should also realised the difficulties present in not having the constant reassurances, the constant physical affection and many other things that could be done in the presence of each other hence, I try hard not to undermine Marc's efforts in staying positive and faithful and the many assurances he had given me in certain not so good times I go through without him around.

The two weeks with Marc around in Singapore was amazing and I am very grateful for him to make such a huge sacrifice in travelling all the way to Singapore giving me a chance to show him the places I used to hang out at, share my many personal experiences and to introduce the people dear to my heart. Two weeks is just too short to be spent in a country so faraway so in future more time has to be dedicated in Singapore. My friends have also been such stars, playing such good hosts to Marc especially Ginette dear!! Thank you for making efforts in allowing Marc try different local delights in Singapore and your neverending enthusiasm and efforts in making sure that he received as much fun as possible. I really appreciate it!! Thanks to all who came on the night before Marc left though it would be helpful for you people to leave early (and not at 2am) for Marc to catch some sleep as he had to get up at 5 in the morning, nevertheless, I had a great time laughing my head off on some of the jokes Frederick made and the unstoppable laugh from the oblivious Gin. Thanks to Yap Jin's car whose alarm went off at 2 in the morning outside my condo while Marc and I were trying to catch some sleep. Those were the moments!!

Had a comforting time catching up with everyone in Singapore from my family to friends. It was really good returning to Singapore after such almost a year. Let me showcase the memories I have in my brain in the form of a collection of everlasting photographs!! (Phil, Yoke, Gin--- Hope u can save the pictures.)

Clubbing on my birthday at MOS

look at that beer!!

Tasty Singapore Sling!

Pinkie up!! Posh...

Wild Wild Wet... we went on a gloomy day to the water theme park! Must be mad?

last night with Marc!

The thorn among the roses or... rose among the thorns?

Marc's favourite pic of me go-karting

Karaoke session.

Dance your Night Away!

2006-06-05T10:09:00.000+01:00

I always have mixed feelings when it comes to clubbing, I am not really sure whether I enjoy it or not. I think I do enjoy it a great deal only if I were clubbing with people I feel comfortable with and with friends who I know that I could rely on in times of trouble. I am quite picky when it comes to clubbing, I can't go clubbing with just anyone like acquaintances, the theory of not categorising your friends fail to play a part here coz in actual fact, I do categorise my friends, whether consciously or unconsciously.

Personally, I feel rather insecure when it comes to clubbing, it is as if I am more exposed to threats and risks when I go clubbing, I tend to be rather vulnerable when I go to such places resulting in the need of close friends to boost my confidence and make me feel secure. Hence, I would rather forgo the chances of going clubbing if I am not going with people who I feel secure with. I remembered I once went clubbing with only my best friend, Ginette present, it is normally not my style to go clubbing with just one person, I need quite a large group so as to feel secure so I guess this is a good example of proving that Ginette has indeed made it to my category of 'friends who I am dependent on and comfortable with.' (Kudos to you, Ginette, should feel proud!! hehz). I can never imagine having a boyfriend who I feel uncomfortable going clubbing with, one of the criteria of my boyfriend is to be fun-loving and to be up for trying any new enjoyable activities and I am proud to say that Marc is definitely one such person!

When it comes to clubbing, I require a lot of motivation to dance and enjoy my time and of course, only with people who know the real me would I then be able let my hair down and act however I want. I enjoy dancing a lot, it is a good form of exercise where every single part of my body could be utilised and it is only through clubbing where one could act as stupidly as they want to be and not be judged the next day, there would not be a need for one to worry abt their behaviour as long as it has not crossed any limits of being offensive. Personally, I have never come across a night out where I was left unsatisfied, each time I go clubbing, I would go home feeling that I had an amazing night out with my friends.

The last few days I spent a great deal of time chilling in every way possible. I went clubbing on Saturday night with Marc and his friends to celebrate my impending birthday but since I won't be here in UK for my birthday, we decided to have an early celebration for me. Surprisingly, loads of Marc's friends turned up and I was quite pleased about that. Here, I shall present the pictures of that fun night, we went for drinks first at two pubs called 'The Cell' and 'Dogma' and then went over to a night club called 'Ritzy'!!! Ritzy is a very special place to me coz this is the night club where Marc and I first met. Kisses just for him!!!

The two of us look a bit guilty as if we are up to no good.

Ritzy, the place where Marc and I met.

Goofy Jim.

Monkey!

the back of my top is quite unique, like it very much and very appropriate for clubbing.

On Sunday, Marc got up early as usual to go golfing while I slept in, I can never manage to get up early after a night out, mere torture to get up early after returning from a late night. So while Marc went golfing, I stayed in with his parents, Marc's brother and his girlfriend. Marc's brother lives in London and he only comes back once in a while. Marc's dad has this really cute volkswagen car called 'bubble car', I went for a ride in it and it is the cutest car ever!! Judge for yourself...

Isn't it cute???

Since it was summer, we had a barbeque in the garden. Summer in England is really pleasant, not too hot and not cold, just right. Golf maniac Marc still wouldn't let golf go after his early morning's game and he started hitting golf balls in his back garden. Too much, don't you think?

Golf freak!!!

To wrap it up, this is one nice picture Marc took at the back of his garden, the beautiful sunset! During summer in UK, the sun sets at around 10pm and rises at about 4am so we get loads of sunlight to make up for all the cold we get in the winter!

Amazing!

Summer in UK is just the best!

][::I Really Just Know....::][

2006-05-25T09:21:00.000+01:00

Generally, I think I am quite good in judging a person's character after an exchange of brief conversations with him or her. There are times when I don't really have to exchange conversations with a person personally and could still come up with a conclusion to what the main aspects of their personalities are by observing their behaviour and the way they speak to others. In such instances, instincts and past experiences step in to assist one in making such judgments without having to fully know a person through long periods of times.

I am sure that many of you have definitely said things along this line --- "I just know that he or she will do this or will not do that...." and when probed how and why you came to such a conclusion, many would say ---- "I just know, she seems like that kind of person..." others who are extremely sure about their judgments would even take a step further and say ---- "I can guarantee it...."

I am one such person who relies greatly on my instincts and past experiences in judging a person's character and their future actions. At times, I do not even have to ask favours from a particular person coz I just know that he or she would not provide me with the help I need or they would probably come up with certain excuses to get out of it or by delaying to such an extent that I would get fed up resulting in me doing the job on my own eventually.

It does seem quite unfair to jump to conclusions without giving someone the benefit of doubt coz there is a high chance that my judgment is wrong and they are entirely different to what I expect them to be. But the thing is, I trust myself quite a lot when it comes to my instincts about a person and by including the word 'probably' when explaining the character of a person to someone else, I think I have somehow or rather include the benefits of doubt though I have little faith that he or she would fall out of my expectations.

It may sound contradictory but I must stress that all these judgments which I make merely act as a reference for my own use only, I do not judge a person and shun them because of the things they have done or will do in future, especially if they are my family members and close friends. I think most of the time, people are bound to be judgmental, it allows one to be prepared for what is in store for them when interacting with people and also allow one to behave appropriately. As long as the judgments do not rule the entire 'you', it should be fine to reserve some judgments in yourself.

I can say there are many countless occasions that my judgments about a person is right and due to this, I have gained a lot of confidence in this area and when a person does not match up to my expectations, I would not think that I am wrong, I would merely be surprised that I am not right. I am not a rigid person who can't see past my beliefs but I am cynical and would start to wonder whether the unexpected traits displayed are really their true self or simply just a one-time thing for the sake of impressing someone or for the sake of self-preservation that they stop being nice to everyone so as to prevent themselves from being taken advantage of.

I tend to be quite annoyed when someone doubts my judgments but at the same time, I can't really explain how I could be so sure about certain things, all I could say is ---- "Don't doubt me, I just know, I really just know..." If I am so great in judging a person's character then why do I always fall for idiots who don't treat me right and take me for granted? Here, I would like to say that it is not that my 'judgmental skills' does not play a part, love does not make me blind but love sees more, not less but because it sees more, it is willing to see less and hence I choose to look past the flaws and accept them for who they are by loving them whole-heartedly no matter how I am being treated. Not really healthy but it is just how human beings work isn't it which is why each and everyone of us are able to love and be loved despite of our flaws!

Here again, I just know, I really just know that I would be able to accept the people I love despite of all flaws present and embrace them with all of myself.

As promised, I will include some pictures taken at the wedding party I went to a few weeks ago, didn't take a lot of pictures coz I was dancing my night away. hehe...

:: Liar Liar, Pants on Fire ::

2006-05-13T08:55:00.001+01:00

I admit that I tell many many lies in a day, it is not that I have a target in hand and I set out to meet this target by hook or by crook. I think it has just turned into a habit coz it provides an easier and quicker way of getting out of awkward and uncomfortable situations, all I have to do is think of something relevant to say which could both please the listener and at the same time, get me out of any unnecessary impending trouble.

Then again, I must stress that the lies I tell are not exactly damaging which have the ability to hurt others, actually, I consider most of them to be 'small little white lies'. The thing is, I don't think I am very good at telling lies. I could probably get away with lying when it comes to strangers but when it comes to people I am close to, there will be some difficulties involved. I will tend to smile a fair bit or try to look away and even if I am trying my best to stare into their eyes so as to make myself more convincing, I still can't avoid blinking more than usual. Anyway, I don't really tell major lies to the people I care about and even if I do, I would feel guilty after and confess the truth to them (could ask my mummy about that! But then again, most of the time, she'll know when I am telling the truth and when I am lying.).

From my point of view, I just think there is no harm to lying as long as there are no consequences to it. Most people would probably have forgotten what was being said or even left oblivious to the lie told. At times, lying just seems to be the best way to deal with certain dilemmas and by lying, two birds could be killed with one stone, I could get away from trouble without any hassle and at the same time, I don't have to worry about hurting the person by creating a valid reason or explanation to something which I had done.

I apply this principle of killing two birds with one stone when dealing with strangers, especially with very persistent salesmen who are trying to sell some insurance or products to me which I have no interest in at all. And it is at this very moment when I would turn on the lying mechanism in me and lies after lies just come out from my mouth uncontrollably and just a small confession to make... I am actually enjoying every single moment of it! I can transform my whole life into a fictitious one which I have always dreamt about leading and to pretend to be someone who I am not. It is like filming for a movie and my goal is to play a convincing role but only it is even more thrilling in this instance coz no one knows that I am lying and I have to make sure that no one finds out about it too.

I think the fact that I am living in the UK now, I have more information in hand to lie about a lot of things and I tend to do most of my lying when I am in Singapore. When I am approached by some salesman in the streets asking me to buy an insurance, in order not to sound harsh or patronising by walking away and just rejecting their offer without even listening to what they have to say, I would simply come up with a lie that I am not a Singaporean (I am really telling the truth in this case though I could also mention that I am a Singapore permanent resident) and hence, none of their offers or deals on insurance or any financial contracts are relevant to me as I am only in Singapore for a short holiday. I would lie that I am living and studying in the UK permanently and am visiting some friends in Singapore.

Another lie which I came up with is to imply that my parents are divorced and I am born in Hong Kong but was only in Singapore to visit my mum or dad who is living in Singapore. Here, I could gently refuse their offers without having to appear harsh and nasty and at the same time, I am able to gain pleasure and enjoyment out of creating a fantasy life for myself. It is not that I consider my present, real life to be boring, it is just that it is so much more fun by adding colours to a life which i would never experience and yet at the same time, I could embrace this life even it is just for a few minutes by lying to a totally oblivious person. This pleasure could last even longer if the person I am chatting with shows more interest in my life by probing more information. Of course, this would be more difficult with me having to extend my lie and making sure that there are no loop-holes in the things that I said, nevertheless, I still enjoy it a great deal and I am aware that the longest the lie would go on for would probably be about 10 minutes. I am sure I would find little difficulties in coping with this 10 minutes and I merely see it as a challenge.

I am really tempted to encourage others to try lying to salesmen if they ever get the chance to do so but it is really not a very good idea coz at the end of day, this simple act may have the possibility of developing into something more serious probably resulting in one becoming a complusive liar so my advice is this---- only try this if you have a high level of self control!

You would definitely walk away from the salesman with a smile on your face, this short 10 minutes of lying would definitely light up any dull days!

I have come up with a goal and it is to lie less and to tell the truth as much as I can or simply not provide any opinions at all. Of course, there are occasions when white lies would be needed to be told but other than that, I would try to provide my honest opinions to my family and close friends.

Still.... don't expect me to lie if I really find a certain outfit or style ugly, it is better hearing the truth from someone close to you rather than from a stranger and I have no intention in putting the people I care about in that scenario and make a fool out of themselves so if you need any honest opinions on certain things, come to me coz at the end of the day, mostly salesmen are my targets for switching my lying mechanism on!!!

][Have officially finished reading my Honours degree, looking forward to graduating in September and hopefully able to start my new course in Journalism too, I am as free as a bird right now. Going for the wedding evening-do tonight, so excited. Will pose some pictures up once I get the chance.][

Yay!!! No more essays and exams!!

:: A treat for the eyes..... Hopefully!!! ::

2006-05-05T10:53:00.000+01:00

Have finally finished and handed all my essays in but still preparing for an exam (12th of May).... :(

One last thing to do before completing my third year for good. At the moment, I have some spare time in hand but not enough to write an entire post on a certain topic (you know how I tend to go on and on and before anyone knows it, I've spent like 2 or 3 hours on blogging), therefore, this post will revolve around photos hoping that this would appease the readers I have for not blogging for such a long time (many apologies!!).

It was my one and only Marc's birthday on the 1st of May, Monday and so I went out with him and his mates on a sunday night to celebrate his impending birthday. Took my camera with me, unfortunately, I forgot to charge the battery of my digital camera before going and so in the end, only managed to capture a few pictures that night, which was really a waste coz I was hoping to take loads of pictures to add to my photo collection and that night being a special night would have been most appropriate to take loads of pictures and add them to my album of 'happy memories' (though such a photo album has yet to be created). Anyhoo, had a fun time with his friends and of course, with Marc. Never fail to have a good time with him around.

I'm going to a wedding evening-do (I think it's Marc's brother's friend's wedding, so complicated, isn't it but whatever it is, the most important thing is that I am invited) next saturday on the 13th of May so will remember to charge my battery no matter what it takes and hopefully would be able to share those fun times with you people!

For the time being, enjoy the pictures, will blog proper real soon!!!

Birthday Prince with his Princess... Me of course!!

Two funny people to be with.

Tommy!!!

Looking Weird...

Good friend.. Tommy!

::- Too Caught Up -::

2006-04-19T11:20:00.000+01:00

Just wanted to apologise for the slow updates for the past few weeks. Have been really busy with my essays. Have four essays and an exam and I have four weeks to complete and prepare for them!!! Hence, have little/no time to do anything else but to sit by my desk, face my laptop and type busily away like there's no tomorrow. Even if I have inspirations on what to write for my next post, I have either no motivation or no mood to actually jot my thoughts down so many apologies!!!

However, fret not as I will officially finish my third year on the 12th of May (won't be graduating till september though and hopefully I'll be able to get a presentable honours degree i.e. an upper second class!!! Wouldn't mind a first class degree if possible, hehe.. but to be realistic, an upper second class is already a big treat for me). I will have the time and mood to showcase my inspirations on my blog real soon, be patient ok and I will try my best to reward everyone who is reading my blog with an interesting post!

Meanwhile, take care and do miss me and my writings!!! Wish me luck in completing the ridiculous amount of homework I have got.

I wanna play!!! *sobz* :P

- Black or White +

2006-04-03T20:17:00.001+01:00

Many people view the world as either black or white. Some people enjoy living and embrace every breath they take with energy and passion while others scream and yell for release and remedy of the 'pain' they are supposedly in. Well.. at least this is what I have gathered from my experiences with the people I am either in direct or indirect contact with.

Through my countless number of times of 'poking my nose into other people's lives and blogs', I came to the conclusion that people merely belong either to one group or the other and blogs are grounds for them to show case which groups they belong to.

(White) -The first group are those who embrace life to the fullest where they are willing to try every single thing life has to offer them. They are cheerful, carefree and look at challenges and obstacles as merely part and parcel of life. Although there are still things in life which will bring them down but they would pick themselves up very quickly and regain the energy and vibe they once had. They have the ability to influence and pass their positive energy to the people around them. They enjoy life to the best of their ability and one can always see them out and about balancing their lives by setting certain time aside for work and of course not forgetting to play with no inhibitions. I think to a certain extent, they are aware that life is short and everyone only has the ability to live once and hence they are ready to take up life as it is being presented.

(Black) -The second group are those who are seem to be constantly in agony and having to live is just a very very painful thing to do. They are always portraying themselves to be suffering from some kind of ordeal and nothing in this world could ever pull them away from the terrible situation they are in. They are always telling people or writing in their blogs about how they want to go missing in action or they just simply want to die!!

From my tone, you would have sense my cynicism to the second group of people. Yes.. indeed I am cynical. To me, many of them just want attention from other people, I am not denying the fact that there may be many people who are REALLY suffering from depression and they merely just want to let it out into the open through their blogs. Being a person who has gone through this before, I should be very aware that there are people like these around. I once frequently made use of my blog to cry out for help, hoping that the only person who could 'save me' would read what I have written and come to my salvation. I was truly upset then and my blog was the only healthy outlet I had at that time. However, just because I used to be one of the people belonging in the second category does not mean that I condone their actions, neither does it mean that every single one of them has my sympathy and understanding.

There are quite a number of reasons to why I have turned into a cynic to the second group. I just could not bear the fact that after they have talked or written so many horrible things that they are going through presently, they are still able to take loads of pictures and smile and enjoy their lives like the things they have written does not even exist at all. I am glad that they ARE enjoying their lives and making efforts to try out different things in life but I don't see how being as depressed and as hopeless they have made themselves out to be, they are still able to carry out these actions, because I know that being truly upset and truly dejected, a person could NEVER do such things. At the same time, why are they CONSTANTLY suffering, surely they would do every single thing possible to make themselves feel better and would want to come out of the 'darkness' as soon as they can. Even though they can't do it, they would still make an effort.

I am annoyed with them not because they are truly suffering, I just can't tolerate the fact that all that they are doing is to maintain an IMAGE. An image that they want to portray to the world and thus able to gain some kind of attention which they yearn for. Yet, they keep leaking out loop-holes causing people to think that they have the potential of actually lying just so that they could manipulate the people around them by making others worry and go to them whenever they want or need them to. I don't mind them enjoying their lives just don't lie about the state you are in. I find it so revolting and so attention-seeking!!! That is what truly annoys me. I would gladly provide the support and help if they really needed it and at times, you JUST KNOW that certain people are merely behaving in a way for attention and sympathy.

After 2 wasted years being truly depressed, I have no intention whatsoever to go back to the life I led back then, I just feel I have lost 2 valuable years of my short life being shut away from the beautiful things in the world, losing out on all the fun that I could have back then. I now want to join the first group of people where the world is 'white' to them. Of course, I do see the significance of those horrible times which I have gone through, without these times, I would fail to possess the ability to appreciate the beauty of life, I would fail to see life as short and I owe it to myself that I should enjoy my life to the fullest by trying out all potential things in life and having fun out of it. Without hardships, how could one ever appreciate the good times? I just don't wish to see other people portray a fake image of who they truly are just so they could attract attention by making the people who truly care and love them worry unnecessarily.

Maybe a 'grey' world would settle for everyone then instead of just 'Black or White' then there would not be able deceits and everyone would lead a comfortable life.

" Dream like you live forever, live like you die tomorrow!"

~II: Pride of Marina :II~

2006-03-20T11:10:00.000Z

Here is an update on the mini holiday which I have just been to, a mini-cruise to Holland!!! It was really just a weekend getaway for my boyfriend and I, it is our 6 months anniversary on the 26th of March and since he paid for the trip to Berlin for our 3 months anniversary, I thought it would be nice and kind of me to get him a mini-cruise to Holland as my 6 months anniversary gift to him. The ferry was called "Pride of Hull" and we set of at Hull which is about 45 minutes away from Lincoln (where I am at the moment!), I got the chance to see the Humber bridge too which looked like the bridge in Hong Kong, really grand! (can't remember what the name was, hehe, I know the Chinese name though, I think it is called the "Green Horse bridge" or something, isn't it?)

I must say that I have enjoyed the trip tremendously probably coz this is my first time on a cruise and to Holland. Everything just seemed so perfect with me going to a foreign land, enjoying the facilities on the cruise and most importantly, spending all of these magical moments with the person I adore and love with all my heart.

I really enjoyed the time spent on the ferry, there were so many facilities on-board with the bars being the highlights, there were about three different bars on the ferry and it was so very crowded on the first night, there were two cinemas and different shops for buying souvenirs, fags, wines and beers. You would think that it must be boring being stuck in a large confined space having limited amount of things to do but may I propose my humble opinion--- it was not at all boring!! All you want to do then was to explore every part of the ship to the best of your ability and to go to different bars for drinks and chill. Personally, I really love the idea of staying on the ship where it is warm yet still able to enjoy going shopping and visiting different bars! It was definitely a one of a kind experience!

Arrived in Rotterdam and got a coach transfer to Amsterdam. People in Amsterdam were really friendly and fashionable. Men there are really good looking as well, some of them actually made me stop in my tracks and look at them (just exaggerating, but they are really good looking), sad to say, many of them are also gay. This is the first time in my entire life that I have seen so many gays and lesbians around but they are rather sweet together, going shopping and asking each other about whether certain tops are nice on them and stuff like that.

Initially, we wanted to go to two museums but due to the constraints in time, we just ended up shopping which I was totally cool with (Did go into a sex shop if that could be considered as a museum)!! Suprisingly though, I didn't buy many clothes so being a filial daughter and a family-oriented girl (hehe..), I spent most of my money on souvneirs for my family. Didn't get to see wind mills like I wanted to, neither did I get to see any beautiful tulips coz it is still so bloody cold, all I got to see that was majorly different was people smoking weed (it is legal there!)! *Sigh*...

Spent my last night on the ship watching 'Casonova' which was a brilliant film, got all the privacy my boyfriend and I ever wanted coz we were just the two people going for that film. I felt as if I was being wooed by one of those millionaire's sons who had the ability to book the whole cinema just for the two of us (just like a scene from Korean dramas.. How romantic!)!!

Such a short trip isn't it but nonetheless very enjoyable. My honey buns even gave me a bonus by bringing me to 'The Deep' in Hull on the day we arrived in England. 'The Deep' is like the 'Underwater World' in Singapore where we go into this massive fish tank to view different types of fishes. A very very happy day few days for me and none of it could have been possible without my one and only around!!!

Enough talking, seeing is believing so here are some pictures taken over the special and lovely weekend I had!!

The Humber Bridge...

Side view of Humber Bridge.. I was bored during the car ride!!

I am short plus the bad photographer (Him!!), that's why I look like I have got toad eyes!

Cool Marc but fat face Karina!!!

Me in the middle of Amsterdam.

That's the taxi in Holland, so cosy isn't it?

Grand and magnificient lifts in a shopping centre.

'US' on the coach!!

Chilling.

Smoky Marc, others are social smokers, we are holiday smokers!!!

Team MARINA!!!

Casonova and I...

lovey dovey.. muax

Sting Ray.. would make a delicious meal.. yummy!!

Shark.. run now!!!

Great photography skills of mine!!

Just take him!! Please...

{[:: Colourful Devils ::]}

2006-03-05T19:44:00.000Z

Me (in one of my cutie voices): Do you think I should just leave my make up on tonight and not wash it off? I am pretty tired anyway. (I glanced sidewards at him hiding the fact that I really hope that this suggestion would be supported while I look admiringly at the reflection of the beautiful glittery eyeshadow and mascara I've got on my eyes.)

Him: Really? I heard that it is not good for the skin if you don't wash the make up away before going to sleep... Isn't it not healthy for the skin? (Damn it!!! Was hoping that he wouldn't know this universal fact let alone mentioning it to me.)

Me (disappointed in having no words or theories to protest to what he had said): Hmmm.. Yeah, I guess so.

Him (sensed my disappointment and came to realise the true purpose of my question): You just want to leave your make up on so that you could go into lectures with it, isn't it? Wash it off!!!
(a look of disgust started to smear across his face)

Me: heh heh!! How did you know? heh heh!! (oops, got caught in the act!!)

(In the end, I washed my make up away, cursing and mumbling under my breath for not being able to keep it on. Would have jumped at the chance of keeping make up on as long as he said a patronising 'yeah!')

This conversation took place before I went to bed on the night of Valentine's day. The next morning, I went for my lecture as usual and as I sat quietly at the corner of the room, I took a quick scan at the girls around me. To my astonishment, I realised that I was the only one in the whole room who did not have ANY make up on. Even the most plain-looking girl in the entire room had either some mascara or lip gloss on!!! I can't help but mumble about the stupidity that had overwhelmed me the night before for washing the make up I had on.

I quickly regained my composure and this time, I took a more detailed scan at the girls' eyes and cheeks. It was then I realised that all the girls in the room could be divided into 2 categories (excluding me of course----the person with no make up on, not even lip gloss!!).

The first is known as 'those who could do without sleep or food but not make up'---- These girls had make up on so perfectly that it was rather obvious that they had spent a good amount time in front of the mirror making sure that each line drawn on their faces was just right and the amount of eye shadow and blusher were balanced on both sides of their eyes and cheeks respectively. The lecture I attended that day was a 9am lecture. Because all third years no longer live on campus, we have to get up rather early in the morning to get ready for a 9am lecture. I can't imagine how early these girls have gotten up that morning just to make sure that they are beautifully coloured. They must have skipped so much sleep and even breakfast just to put make up on. Kinda dramatic judging from the fact that they are just attending a lecture and not some make-up party!!!

The second category is known as 'those who do want to catch as much sleep or even breakfast as much as possible but still want to put make up on'---- These girls have more modest make up on, with probably only a twinge of mascara and lip gloss on. I would probably accept these group of girls more compared to those in the first category and I think if I really have to, I would rather pay the membership fee and be part of this group.

After the quick and detailed scans during the lecture, I have also come to the elightenment of how important mascara is to all the girls. No matter how much make up these girls have on them, they would never ever leave out the mascara section. Even the most plain looking girl and the unbothered girls have mascara on. It seems that putting mascara on is a must and probably the most fundamental factor of putting make up on. In a way, I do understand the importance of mascara, it enables a person's eyes to look so much more attractive. A person's eyes are the first features that attracts another party's attention. I am doing psychology, I have read tons of journals on such research and yet I failed to make use of what I have learnt and apply it to my daily life. These girls have my total admiration and respect for being so smart and utilising the facets of life to their advantage (a bit dramatic here but whatever!).

Ever since I was growing up, I have never really applied much make up on, not because I don't want to and not because I think I am already attractive and pretty enough that I don't think I need any make up to make myself more presentable and attractive. It is more to the fact that I just can't be bothered to do so. I considered it a chore and I am too impatient to stand in front of the mirror for hours and hours just to apply eye shadow or mascara or blusher on meticulously. At the same time, I don't think I am willing to sacrifice sleep or food or television time or time when I am doing work just to put make up on my face. I just think it is so much easier to change in something nice the last minute and just go out after that. Why bother to put yourself in so much trouble by having to decide what colour make up you should put on to suit your clothes or the colour of your skin? For me, just deciding on what to wear is troublesome enough.

I think it has come to a point in life where putting make-up on is a requirement socially. I do know that there in some societies or in some professions, it is considered rude not to put any make-up on. Personally, I only tend to put eye shadow, mascara and lip gloss on during special occasions and would just apply some lip gloss on normal days when I have the urge to do so. Even so, each time I do apply mascara, I will definitely poke myself in the eye or the mascara would smudge all around the eye area resulting in intense frustration setting into my good moods. I guess, practise makes perfect!!

I just have the feeling that applying make-up on is an unconscious way of one to hide behind a mask. It is as if there are so many secrets and insecurities that you have locked inside you and it is only through make up that you feel secure and confident enough to meet the whole world. Personally, I don't like the feeling of that, I don't like giving false impressions to the people around me. I think I am just selfish because I don't like to suffer alone, I like to know that there are people out there who know about my problems, insecurities and sadness so that my burden could be lessen in one way or another. Probably this is one of the unconscious reasons to why I don't like putting make up on. But, I still think the main reason is due to my laziness and lack of patience that have resulted in the minimal or no make up on me. It is just so hard being a girl!!!

Just a note, though it may seem that I don't pay attention during lectures but I must clarify that those 'scans' which I took during my lectures were actually not as long and detailed as they seem to be. Took me only a few minutes to do so in reality. I am not a bad student!!!

~ The Magics of Life ~

2006-02-17T13:39:00.000Z

After reading several posts on some of my friend's and friend's friend's blog, I realised that the 'in' thing for couples to indulge in today is to go for 'getaways'. Be it mini ones like a city break where couples just go to a nearby city of a different country for a day or two or even pay a visit to the captial of your own country (doubt that this applies to Singapore.) are the things that allows a relationship to climb the ladder of betterment, at times 'big getaways' with lots of planning and more days spent in different country are also a very much sought after possibility.

As the world advances and with people's expectations escalating, it seems that one's wants are no longer as innocent as before. People today are so much harder to please, bigger and more extravagant gifts are needed to make one another happy. How great were the times where the simpler things in life like a kiss or a cooked meal were sufficient in capturing the heart of the other. The magics of a relationship or even of life, itself, have changed so dramatically and it seems such changes are not overnight ones, rather they are more of a gradual change where people do not even realise the effect it has produced over the years.

The contradicting thing is I, who recognised this effect have also fallen prey to it. I love going away with my loved one, love visiting another country with the person who I care and love the most. I just do not really understand why I and many others happen to be so keen in this ideology. Is it because that such a phenomenon was never popular in the past and we are actually starting a 'revolution' against it? Or is it due to the excitement of merely being able to visit a new country? But it doesn't make much sense because the excitement of going with one's family to another country is totally different from the feeling one will get if they were to go with a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I just do not seem to grasp the concept of why going away with someone who you are in a relationship with has obtained so much attention and emphasis upon. I do not like the feeling that the simpler magics in life no longer possess the power to make me happy. It seems that if I were given a choice of getting a stalk of rose or going somewhere for the weekend, I would definitely choose the latter. Does this actually make me shallow? I am so not pleased in having the word 'shallow' to describe the person I am. I am a person who does not like to complicate things and I always try my very best to appreciate the simple things I have in life so as not to take anything for granted. Yet, I am still no different to anyone else, I am still a slave to society and trend. I am sure when it comes to relationships, there are so many different things a couple could do to improve it instead of having to fish out loads of money for a getaway in order to get the relationship back to its tracks.

I went to Berlin last year for a holiday with my special someone and this year... I am going for a mini cruise to Amsterdam for the weekend (17th of March, Fri to 19th of March, Sun). Though I am still an advocate for the simpler things to be the magics of life, nevertheless, I am still very very excited about it. I have never been on a cruise before and the fact that I am going away with someone special makes it more worthwhile. I guess I appreciate the company more than the trip itself and probably this is what the simpler things in life could have been. The company should mean more than anything and this applies to--- No matter where you are or what you are doing, as long as the person you care about the most is right beside you, this is what makes life beautiful and worthwhile.

On a totally different note, I am going to upload some pictures taken on Valentine's day. I received a 'mother of pearl' necklace, a cute giraffe pencil and a very lovely heart shaped candle. I really like my dress though it was a bit over-sized and I was a bit exposed in some of the pictures but I am going to be brave for once and continue posting the pictures.

A bit exposed picture but still quite picture perfect, isn't it? Take note of the necklace too, that was my V-day gift!

Honey Bunny Marc!!

Keke!! ^^

Love my dress!!

....De Ja Vu!!

2006-02-11T17:23:00.000Z

I am in a nightmare! All these did not happen,
You are not cross with me, You are not having second thoughts about me.
You are not moving away from me,
Neither are you harbouring any thoughts of breaking up with me,
It is just a nightmare, a long and horrible nightmare... Wake up, please just wake up!!!

Some words, some comments, no matter how carelessly voiced in the first instance, can stick with you for a lifetime.

Similarly, some actions, some lies no matter how carelessly unfufilled or how carelessly made will cause chaos and madness even to the extent of no return.

I have no idea what to do, all I can do now is to stare blankly and cry and cry for you to forgive me. I feel helpless and I hate the feeling of waiting. I don't want to wait for an answer which I am not keen in receiving.

I can't do anything, can't move, can't eat, can't drink, can't see or hear, I can't breathe properly!

I apologise for the hurt and heartache I have caused you. I know you have given me so many thousands of chances to repent but may I ask humbly for one LAST chance to show my remorse, can I have this last chance to show you how much I love you and how much you mean to me? You are free to go if I don't meet up to expectations.

Please don't let me feel unwanted and unworthy, I had my fair share of such feelings before. I have no intention in going back to those days.

Take me back!! Please just take me back!!

- +Lend a Hand+ -

2006-02-02T11:43:00.000Z

I have to submit a 200 word statement of intent to why I want to read Journalism and be a Journalist to my University and I just wanted a second or third or even fourth opinion to what you think of my statement. Will probably need to submit it really soon so would appreciate it if I could get any constructive criticisms as soon as possible. Thanks!!

Here goes:

Before I start writing about why I want to read Journalism for my masters and why I want to be a Journalist, I shall present this special quote by James Michener, a Pulitzer Prize winning novelist:

"I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions."------James Michener.

This is an especially appealing quote to me because it brings out exactly how I feel about the act of writing. To be able to write is a necessity and to be able to write beautifully is a gift from education. I doubt that I am confident enough to say that writing is just a flair that comes naturally to me. But, I can say confidently that I have found pleasure in writing and I think by reading Journalism, I am able to find different techniques to further improve myself and my writing.

Writing allows me to touch people's lives without having to travel thousands of miles to get to them, it allows me to gain access and reach out to people even when their windows are locked and their doors are shut. This immense power could only be obtained through words and I respect this power. The sense of fulfillment and satisfaction I get each time I have successfully completed writing an essay or a story has made me realise that being a Journalist is an ambition I hope to achieve.

Not really sure whether I need a conclusion as I have already reached the word limit. Will probably end with a short sentence.

<-:+ Humble to New Beginnings+:->

2006-01-24T09:22:00.000Z

As it is the third week of January 2006, many of you who are reading this post would probably consider the contents of it to be either late or irrelevant but "better late than never!!" Nothing is irrelevant or late when sincere thoughts come into the picture-- " It is the thought that counts!" Time-wise, I am indeed late, nevertheless, I could still feel the urge to want to jot down what I have been through last year as well as what I want to achieve in this brand new year!!

Having to write this post, I made an effort looking back at my life in 2005 and evaluate what is going to happen in 2006. Life had not been easy for the past 2 years and 2005 was no exception. Come to think of it, I have gone through precisely 2 years of emotional turmoil where I tried to get over someone I once considered very special. However, I have to thank my lucky stars that 'an angel' was sent from above on the 24th of September, 2005 to give me a 'pull' out of the dark hole I have sunk into. Technically, I should say that the last few months of 2005 had been a joy for me. Although there are times of insecurities, anger and sadness during the last few months, I still consider them to be the start of a new life! At this time last year, I don't think I looked at the start of 2005 to be a good one, I would not deny that I may have wanted it to be good but inside I had a rough idea that it would just be one of those years where I have to struggle to get through each day.

Looking at the events that lie in store for me in 2006, I could see so many things which really excite and interest me. There are so many 'first times' which I would encounter this year, in fact, I have already encountered some of them. Just yesterday, I have encountered my first experience of swimming in England with my someone special. Though it was just a simple act of swimming but I could feel that this experience is irreplaceable (other than it was my first time wearing a bikini! Constant worry that it may slip off.) and I am glad that this took place in 2006. A few weeks ago, I have survived my first interview at a teacher's college and yet again, this was experienced with my someone special. He very much wants to be a teacher while I applied for it as a back up to what I really want to do after I have graduated from University (Will talk more about this later on). Following these, tomorrow night would be my first time going down to Manchester to watch a football match at a stadium that has probably been shown on television for a million times!! I would be watching one of the leading football teams play (Manchester United vs. Blackburn Rovers) and I am really excited about it not because I am a big fan of football but because after I die, I could proudly report back to 'The One' above that I have been to an England football match before and of course, to show off to my football crazy friends back in Singapore!

A very prominent change is also waiting to occur this year, I have finally handed in my application form to do a masters' degree in Journalism. After almost one and a half years of writing on my blog, the countless inspirations I obtained from my everyday happenings, the sense of fulfillment and satisfaction I get each time I successfully completed writing a post on my blog has made me realised that writing is a field which I would love to delve into. I doubt that I am confident enough to say that writing is just a flair that comes naturally to me, because each time I raise my pen or each time I place my hands on the keyboard to jot down my thoughts, I do have difficulty in expressing myself. Many a times, I have to crack my brain over the topics I want to write on, I have to think for a really really long time how to put my thoughts into words, I have to make sure that every word I have chosen is appropriate in the context of my post. But, I can say, I AM confident that I have found pleasure in doing so and I think by going into Journalism, I am able to find different ways to overcome the obstacles and difficulties I experience each time I write. I pray that I would pass the impending interview and I pray I would be able to get into this course in September 2006!

My special someone will also be going to Singapore with me this coming June holidays where he will be meeting my family and friends. He wants to build a rapport with them, he is the first western boyfriend who is willing to make so much sacrifices and efforts so as to make me feel special and loved. This relationship must be a serious one and I am sure it will work with the amount of efforts that both of us are putting in. On my part, I have to try to be less moody and grumpy and trust him more. Compromises and hard work are the key to a healthy relationship.

In 2006, I will try my best to lose weight (I am called fat!!), try to ring and visit my family more, read more story books, make efforts to stay in contact with friends in Singapore in any way possible (the best way is to be a loyal reader to my blog and you would know what is happening in my life and in turn provide comments), work really hard on my dissertation (really not looking forward to the SPSS calculations I have to do) and to make sure I live life fruitfully by learning and doing activities I have never done before.

Life is never smooth sailing but I do believe that to a certain extent, life is fair! There are always different lessons to be learnt in times of trouble and there will always be a silver lining in every dark cloud. Embrace each day with zest and forgiveness.

WHAT DOES NOT BREAK YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER!!

+.. Cinderella..+

2006-01-17T10:11:00.000Z

Have you ever thought about the kind of life that 'Cinderella' would have led after she has married her Prince Charming? Getting married or going into a relationship is like a gamble, you either win or you lose, there is no in between. So how do we know that Cinderella made a winning bet other than being told by the fairytale that 'Cinderella and her Prince lived happily after'? It is easy for people to take it for granted that she SHOULD lead a happy life after marrying Prince Charming, it is only right that this is the time where she could get back everything she has given before, all the mishaps she has encountered could now be rewarded by a fulfilling life and marriage but is life really that simple? Fairytales would always remain as fantasies, no one could argue that the happy endings do not exist at all because they DO exist, they exist in everyone's minds, happy endings are the 'HOPES' of many to carry on living, they are the light at the end of a dark tunnel!

But, there is a chance and a rather high one that an extract of Cinderella's diary would contain contents like this:

..... Life in the palace though grand and comfortable yet, I feel stifled emotionally. Family and close friends are faraway, there is no one I could confide my feelings to and even if there was someone I could talk to, I would not want to destroy the beautiful picture that everyone has painted on my relationship wth the Prince. So, I chose to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, hoping they would disappear as time goes by.

Meeting the Prince was one of the best things that have ever happened to me for a long long time, it seemed as if I have found someone perfect who fulfills everything that I have ever wanted but being the wife of a prince requires so much effort on my part to make sure everything moves in the right direction. It was a matter of time before I suffered a break down, resulting in numerous episodes of grumpiness and moodiness which in turn affected the Prince emotionally as well. Hence, I chose to keep my feelings wrapped up so as to make sure that the Prince could get on with his daily activities with nothing else to worry about, moreover, I would feel insecure each time the Prince is upset because I don't wish for him to possess thoughts that he has made a wrong choice in spending the rest of his life with me.

The Prince means the world to me, there would be no one else in my life who would mean as much but I don't think I am everything to the Prince. Although, the Prince constantly assures me that he loves me with all his heart, what I feel on my part is that I am liked and not loved by the Prince. The Prince has too many other commitments in his life and I feel I have fallen into the category of 'Secondary concerns'. I don't feel I am his primary concern or that I am the most important person or thing in his life at all, I am always the one who he sacrifices so as to please other people, I am always the one whose needs and wants are quickly forgotten, I am the one who he takes for granted!!

The happiest day of my life is our first date--- I want to feel as special to the Prince as I was on our first date, all I feel now is the lack of attention I get from him . He has to entertain too many people and I think what he needs and wants most now is to be away from me for some time and have some private time alone with people and things who fall into the 'Primary concerns' of his life. I have lost the desire to tell him how I feel because I know whatever I say or do will have little impact on the Prince. I have no idea whether he is too busy to make changes or that he simply does not want to make any changes. Either way, I have decided to let the Prince choose to do whatever he wants. I would just take the back seat and let him take charge of our relationship, the higher expectations I have on the Prince, the greater the disappointments!! I would learn to care less when girls throw themselves at him, I would master the art of indifference!!

Could the process of us falling in love be the result of 'an accident' or 'a coincidence'? I cry when you are not around to see it, I cry when you are asleep and I am miserable to be trapped in my own world.

It seems as if I need something more extraordinary than just being swept off my feet by a Prince Charming who lets me ride with him on his white horse......

But I would never have the courage to leave the Prince, my feelings for him are rooted too deeply in my heart.....

][ The things you do for me are things which you THINK I need and not the things which I TRULY NEED AND WANT!! ][

Are such contents in Cinderella's diary a possibility? Life is unpredictable and there is a possibility in such things happening. Even Cinderella has the possibility of suffering in silence, what is going to happen to the rest of us, most importantly for me, what lies in store for me in future?

+- Pictures Speak Thousands, Millions or even Billions of Words -+

2006-01-06T13:27:00.000Z

Sorry once again for the super-duper late update. Have been sooo busy!!! As all of you know, I went to Germany (Berlin) for a mini-break with my darling dearest, Marc, because of the numerous number of essays I have to complete at the moment, I have decided for once to let the pictures do the conveying of my thoughts and feelings instead of the usual, boring style of mine which is just plain writing!! Will promise to update more frequently once I get my essays out of the way. They are destroying my social life!!! Anyway, it was freezing in Germany, very very snowy, it was about -6 degrees celsius at the time I was there and I was starting to get cranky because of the cold and the fact that I can't feel my toes at all!! I had to buy a really thick coat there coz I really couldn't stand it, in the end, I looked as if I was dressed to combat the cold in Russia!! Darling Marc was such a sweetie who took really good care of me and made me laugh throughout the trip (with some of the stupid and careless things he did). At the end of the day, I think I enjoyed the company more than the trip itself but we did manage to visit several famous places of interest and even went to several art galleries, had the chance to look at Picasso's paintings too, something which I am really proud of!! Pretty pics to look at but I can tell you, it is not enjoyable to be trembling in the cold despite what many believe to be romantic with all the snow surrounding you!! The truth hurts but I still have to say it--- it is an illusion to think that winter is romantic!!!

First christmas together and hopefully many more to come!!

Getting ready to set off to Berlin, at the Walmers' Barn House (Hotel) near Stanstead Airport in London.

At a popular park in Berlin, I think it is called 'Tietargarten', really beautiful!!

Still at the same snowy place!!

At an Australian restaurant at a place called the 'Sony Centre'

Just me!!

Spidey giving me a horse back ride, this was taken at a film museum situated in the sony centre.. so cool that they even have a film museum.

Just my honey bunny and I.

Getting a Korean meal at the heart of Berlin.

Couple shot at Korean restaurant.

In front of a random library, just thought that the sculptures were really elaborated but breath-taking.

Just look at how thick the snow was and it is STILL snowing!!

My favourite place which I have visited in Berlin, this is known to be the 'Berliner Dom', I think it is a church of some sort, it is simply magnificent which instilled me with thoughts of wanting to get married there.

The 'Riechstag', parliament house!!

Not entirely sure what the monument is called but Marc and I called it the 'Golden Lady'. It has something to do with war-related stuff.

This is the 'Brandenbroadgate', another famous place and again, war-related!!

Will write more on my Christmas and New year's experiences on my next post, as well as my new year resolutions (though I hardly stick to them but jotting them down reminds me to stick with it more). Enjoy the pictures!!

"Dry Your Tears with Love"

2005-12-13T15:00:00.000Z

First of all, I would like to apologise for this super- late update, realised that I haven't written for more than 2 weeks. Was really busy with University work, had 2 essays to hand in so have been neglecting my blog but I am done with my essays now so here I am.. back to writing my thoughts.

Many have said that the best way to get over an old flame is to find someone new to replace that emptiness in one's heart. For me, I think to a certain extent, this statement could be considered true but not without conditions applied. Personally, that particular new someone has to fulfil several conditions, he has to be better-looking (at least to me) than my previous love interest, he has to have qualities that my previous love interest did not possess and of course, he has to be totally devoted to me!! I doubt that I would be fully satisfied if I don't think this someone new has qualities worthy enough for me to move towards him. I am not the kind of person who would settle for someone or something which is considered to be the second best and hence, if someone is able to attract my attention, it would mean that I have come to the conclusion that no one else could ever be better than him and I would be totally loyal and devoted. I am glad that I have now found someone who has the ability to sweep me off my feet, I thought such a person would never ever come along. But this post is not about my current relationship, this post is about the once huge ego which I thought I had.

For a long time, I tried to envisage the cocky grin that I would one day carry on my face when I walk into the phone shop with my new and totally gorgeous boyfriend, seeing the shock and regretful face of the man who has once ditched me is worth more than anything in this world. I would then walk out of the shop with my nose in the air, symbolising that 'I' am actually the winner of this long and tiring battle. I think most girls would have in one point of time shared the same fantasy as I have. Now that I have finally gotten myself a proper boyfriend and I could at last play this scenario for real, surprisingly, I have no intention of doing so. I have lost the will and determination to get back at this heartless person.

I start to question where my ego went off to? Surely, it is healthy to have an ego and if I do have one, I should have the feeling that I am dying to carry out everything that I had once planned so meticulously yet, I am contented with what I have now. I am genuinely happy and in actual fact, I don't really need him (the old heartless flame) to know just how satisfied I am with my life. It seemS, his views and feelings were no longer important to me. My focus has shifted and all that I care about now is my boyfriend, all I want to do is to make this new love interest of mine happy. It is not that I have lost my ego, it is just that I have moved away from the dark hole more than I thought I would have. Perhaps it would be harsh to say that 'I don't care about him anymore" but I think it is fair to say: I am finally leading a life that is independent to his!!! His thoughts and his everyday happenings no longer play any role in affecting my moods. May I still add one more point though, I still hope for his happiness and that he is leading a life as fruitful as mine.

The feeling of getting back at people who has once hurt you is like perfume!! Strong and powerful at first but the smell would fade away so fast that you wouldn't even notice its disappearance and even forget that it has ever existed. This post is also written to encourage a person (or anyone) who had once made a large impact on my life, life goes on no matter what happens and I am sure you would be able to get over that someone so soon that you would never imagine it arriving right at the moment when you want it to. By that time, if your ego still allows you to have the desire to get back at the one you once loved so much, play that scenario for real and you would be able to gain back all that you have given!

][ I am going to Germany soon!! A mini break for me and my beloved!! Will probably upload some pictures on my blog if I figure out how to!! Happy Christmas, everyone!! A bit too early to wish that but I am so excited about christmas this year!! So........ MERRY CHRISTMAS!!][

~II A Sum Up II~

2005-11-26T17:35:00.000Z

I didn't specially planned the content of this post to be like a sum up on two of the earlier posts I had written before ( Posts-"A whole new perspective" and "Suddenly I see") but then things like that just happened! *Shrugs*. I wanted to talk about one of the interesting things that had happened recently and I realised how I could link the content of what I am going to write now to my previous thoughts so... here I go!!

As I have mentioned before, I was hoping to take up a masters degree course in Journalism after I have graduated from University. That is the plan for my life but I always believe in having a back up plan for uncertainties like this one here. I can't guarantee that I would definitely be able to get into the course of my choice, my results as well as other factors would play a big part to whether I am able to attain a place in this course and hence, I applied to go into a teacher training college just in case I failed to get into Journalism. I had had experience as a teacher before for Secondary, primary and nursery level and I know what to expect and what my responsibilities are so I thought that though being a teacher is not an ambition that I am extremely passionate about but as a back up plan, this ambition is definitely worth considering. Anyway, I have submitted my application for teacher training, the college is situated in Lincoln which is where I am at the moment. Having so much experience in teaching in Singapore before, I thought that I had an upper hand compared to most people but I was wrong. I received a phone call from the college informing me that one of the requirements to apply for teacher training in the UK is to have experience in teaching students in the UK. All my previous teaching are not at all valid, how sad!!!

But every cloud has a silver lining, I sent some emails out to some of the primary schools around my neighbourhood, hoping that one of the schools would be kind enough to take me in for some voluntary teaching just so I could provide a reference to the teaching college that I have done my required amount of teaching in the UK. Luckily, one of the schools responded and allowed me to go into the nursery level once a week to help out. I was estactic with the news, one important thing out of my mind and although going into a teacher college is just a back up plan, I still wanted to make sure it went well just so that I could gain some assurance that I would still be able to stay in the UK after graduating.

Last Thursday was my first voluntary teaching experience and here I would like to share this enjoyable experience with all of you who are reading this post. The children at the nursery level were 3 years old and my job was to assist the head teacher in taking care and at times coaching the children with their work. I went in, hoping that the people I was working with were kind and nice and hoping that the children that were about to come in were easy to handle. Well.. the teachers were rather easy to get along and the kids were just simply so cute and adorable. I do like kids but of course, like everyone else, I tend to favour those who are cuter and better behaved than others. I try to be equal to everyone of them but then there is a part of me who is just drawn to some really cute ones. My duties were rather simple, all I had to do was to record the library books that they have brought in and then I would sit with one kid at a time and help them choose new library books. I really enjoy interacting with them and some of the things they say and do just amaze me. After that, they would get their recess with some kids choosing to go out into the cold and play in the playground while others would choose to stay in complaining that it was too cold to go out. I had to take care of those who chose to stay in by entertaining them like reading stories to some or just merely chatting with them.

One of the most memorable incidents was that one three year old girl wanted me to read to her. Nothing special to it, you would think! I thought so too but then before I started to read, she asked me this question, " Can I sit on your lap while you read to me?" I was quite taken aback but a swarm of warmth in this just overwhelmed me and I just couldn't help smiling at how sweet some of them could turn out to be. Other children would ask me whether I was Chinese and whether I was from China. Quite an impressive question from a 3 year old!! Some of the children could be quite affectionate and would hope to be able to gain some security by being really close to you or by holding your hands. I was also called a 'Silly Billy' by one girl because I wore her coat inside out, which I must admit was quite funny and that I was indeed a 'Silly Billy'! As a new person in the class, I received a lot of attention from the children and everyone of them wanted me to attend to them all the time and all at once so I was quite tired having to talk to everyone of them, not to mention really thirsty as well. But as a whole, it was a really enjoyable experience and I didn't regret going for this at all.

This experience brought me to think about how I hated some of the jobs that I got myself into and it further asserted the point that I had made before ( Previous post's title- "Suddenly I see"). I would be more than happy to fulfill my duties in a job if I am comfortable and happy with the surroundings. It is not because of the weariness that cause me to quit a job, rather, it is the people I am working with. I would happily stay on in this voluntary teaching job which provides me with no wages but with nice people around than stay in a job that pays me millions of pounds but with awful people surrounding me. I start to understand myself a lot better with regards to the things I go for and what is truly important to me. I do know that life is not smooth-sailing and there are a lot of things that we are forced to do even though we would so hate to carry them out but I think the important aspect that I have discovered is that I am not a lazy person who does not like to work, I now realise that it is not the weariness of a job that forces me to give up on it. I now know that the sense of achievement and fulfillment in a job means more than anything to me!!

The experience I am gaining now is valuable and irreplaceable and that is what makes me really happy and I am looking forward to the next time I can interact with these really cute children again!

#:Wipe that Sheepish Smile off my Face!!!:#

2005-11-16T15:22:00.000Z

I was walking towards University from town yesterday and was 'attacked' by an Italian man!! A bit overdramatic here.... hehe!! But, I must say that he was quite upfront with his actions and what he wanted--- even a blind person would be aware of what he was actually asking for. Anyway, he was one of those flyer distributor people and he was handing out pamphlets advertising on Christmas and New Year's meal offers provided in a restaurant called 'Touch' (The restaurant where my dearest one and only brought me to for our second date!!). I was walking rather quickly because I tend to be rather fast- paced in whatever I do when I am alone, moreover, I was heading for a lecture and I wanted to get a snack before it. From far, I saw him looking at me and I had that gut feeling that something unpleasant was going to happen. I was right!! He approached me really slowly while holding a pamphlet out to me, I took it instinctively and he started chatting with me but I continued walking slowly but he was quite persistent in getting information out of me so I stopped out of politeness. Basically, the conversation went like this:

Disgusting Italian(In barely comprehensible English): Hey, You look really nice. What is your name? What are you doing? My name is.... (can't really remember what he was called coz it was really difficult to pronounce!)

Me: Karina. I have a lecture soon so I am going into University. (Hoping he would get the hint that I was in a hurry but he didn't coz he continued with his questions)

Disgusting Italian: What are you doing tomorrow? (Weird and a really dodgy question)

Me: (Just want to cut to the chase although I was still trying to be polite so was laughing sheepishly) I have a boyfriend, sorry!

Disgusting Italian: Oh, don't be like that, I really like you a lot, I really like you very much!(Desperado on the loose!!)

Me: (Still laughing sheepishly so as to kill any embarrassment occurring between the both of us) I am sure you don't! (come on.. we barely know each other, how could he like me a lot!)

I started to walk off a bit quicker and in the meantime, he was walking closer and closer towards me and there was a glass window behind me so I had virtually no way to escape but.... clever me decided to walk sideways, I was feeling rather uncomfortable and I knew that I had to get away from that situation as quickly as possible.

Me: Sorry, but I have to go!

Disgusting Italian: Aww.. ok then, I'll see you some other day, bye! (No.. we won't see each other ever again! In your dreams, maybe!!!!)

This encounter has made me realise something about myself, something which I have unconsciously been doing all this while. I realise that I am nice to everyone because I do not wish to offend the people I come into contact with. Don't get me wrong, I do like being nice to people, I take that as a good trait but I discovered that I am also nice to those people who do not even deserve it at all. A very good example is the incident which I have quoted above, he does not even deserve me entertaining his stupid questions let alone be polite to him. I should have just walked off hurriedly and ignore him but being who I am, I know I would not be able to be so rude and dismissive to another human being. I believe that everyone deserves respect. And hence, I have this habit of entertaining and being polite to people who merely deserve to be shot!!!!

There are several incidents in the past which made think that I will still continue being kind to certain people even after they have done things which I didn't really like. It was quite obvious that they were taking advantage of me in some way or another and I understood perfectly that they were just being a big meanie to me but I just couldn't stand up for myself and tell them straight in their faces to stop what they were doing and just sod off!!! I think if I were a more upfront person, I could have avoided a lot of mean things being done to me, I could have avoided many unpleasant situations from happening to me but I always can't bring myself to be rude and would choose to tolerate with it so as to keep a friendship or any relationship free of embarrassment and conflicts.

Any negative feelings which I have of other people, whether it is in real life or when I am watching a film tend to subside after a while and I would be overwhelmed with pity for the 'meanie' once they are about to receive any sort of punishments. I know that if I do tell a person off for being horrible to me, in a matter of seconds, I would be swarmed with pity for that person at the receiving end because the imaginary picture of how hurt the person's parents would be would flood into my mind, if they see their child being told off or punished by other people. This imaginary picture was enough to control my temper and it is sufficient to prevent myself from being disrespectful to anyone. I do feel the utmost hatred for despicable and disgusting people who do really terrible things to other people but such strong emotions do not last long in me at all, once they show any signs of remorse, my heart would soften and faith that they would change for the better would start to overwhelm me and forgiveness steps in at that point of time.

One interesting conversation which I always engage in with my friends and it is also one conversation which could drive them mad with my answers, is what women should do when we encounter a rapist. A consensus solution given by all of my friends to such a situation would be to kick or punch the rapist at his most sensitive region or to use sharp objects around and stab it into his eyes (probably the more violent friends would suggest this). Each time I get such an answer, I would say "Oh my god, I am sure it would hurt him really badly!" They would then reply that this was precisely the point because this would allow the victim to have a good chance to shout and run away for help. I'll then shake my head and say "oh.. I am not sure whether I could do that coz I would be inflicting horrible pain to another person." After hearing this reply from me, my exasperated friends would be so annoyed and they simply say "Well.. if you don't want to do that, get raped then." I am not sure whether I would be able to gain enough courage to do what I should do during this scenario but then again, I could also turn out to be more violent when I am truly placed in this situation! I have no intention to find out though, this is not something that I should experiment with and I hope that I would never know my true actions in a situation like this!

I am not trying to publicise myself as a saint, in fact, I really want to learn to be able to give back to others what they truly deserve. I don't want to be constantly kind and nice to everyone who crosses my path and I need to be able to differentiate who deserves my respect and kindness and who just deserve to be treated like shit! Because, I know that until the day I master this art of equality I would be taken advantage of constantly and I don't want to lead a life with no quality in it.

((- A Whole New Perspective -))

2005-11-04T21:19:00.000Z

As most of you would have known by now, I am currently in my last year of university, I will be graduating next year in June.. How daunting!! Life used to be so much simpler and easier, I knew exactly what I wanted to do when I graduated from secondary school and College but when a person graduates from University, it seems as if there are so many different cross roads in front of him or her resulting in a hit of shock and indecisiveness. Should I continue studying and obtain a masters degree and even if I do decide to pursue a masters degree, what course should I go into? Or maybe I should work after graduating so I could gain some experience first. So many questions and so many of them left unanswered because I simply do not have the answers at all.

I have always wanted to study psychology ever since I was studying in Secondary school because my dream was to be a Clinical Psychologist one day. Being a really fickle-minded and indecisive person, it is amazing that I have never had second thoughts about doing this subject. I am always interested and curious about human behaviour and psyche and that is exactly what psychology attempts to understand. Being able to get into a psychology course was one of the few good things that have ever happened to me ( For this, I have to thank my mother who supports me mentally and financially). I always thought that if I ever become a clinical psychologist, it would definitely be like killing two birds with one stone ---- I am able to pursue a field of interest in my career as well as getting paid loads of money for doing something that I really enjoy. Life will be so beautiful and perfect then and this is the sort of life that I should fight for as long as there is a breath in me. But the world is not perfect, no one life is or will be perfect and I am certainly not an exception to such a philosophy!

After having attended career lectures organised for all third years in my University, I realised that going into clinical psychology is not an easy task at all. In order to be qualified as a clinical psychologist, a person must get working experience in this area like working as a clinical psychologist's assistant and then go on to pursue a higher degree like a masters degree in clinical psychology and mind you... A masters degree is not even enough, to be a professional clinical psychologist, a person must have a doctorate degree in clinical psychology!! A PhD is like a faraway dream for me and being realistic here, I know there is no way I could ever obtain a PhD!! I would definitely want to get at least a masters degree though but wanting me to do a doctorate is like pushing me into an ocean of fire because I know that I am just going to suffer mentally and academically. I am realistic and no one else knows my limits more than I do. Moreover, it is not that easy to get a job as a clinical assistant because I am sure loads of people are fighting for a job like this in the UK and I am not that blessed to be one of the lucky few who has a smooth sailing life. It is not that I am giving up even before making an attempt but I am being realistic!! There are other things that I have to take into consideration too, I have to think about the possibilities of being able to get a work permit here in the UK, I have to think about the consequences of leaving my boyfriend if I do decide to move to a bigger city in order to get more work opportunities and I know that I don't want to risk losing a potential perfect relationship. Most importantly, I simply do not have the determination or the talent to complete a doctorate degree!

My dream is to be a clinical psychologist and I tend to be a person who goes for perfection so if I am unable to get the perfect version of what I want, I rather give up everything that is related to it! Which is why I have made my mind up to give up psychology after I have graduated from University. It is something really upsetting for me because I really enjoyed studying psychology and I moved to the UK, starting a new life all my own because I wanted to pursue something I really really liked and it was not easy for me at all so having to give up something I fought for so hard is extremely difficult for me! But I am aware that my ambition is not within my reach and I am not going to stubbornly yearn for something which I know I am incapable of obtaining.

I guess I have always been stubborn about psychology and so my plans for my future career has always been restricted because I have never really thought about looking outside the four walls of the enclosed box I had inside me. I was afraid to try to do something different and I am not always keen in changes anyway. Most of the time, I am just afraid of failing and I do not believe I am capable of doing certain things. But desperate times calls for desperate measures and I knew that if I wanted to stay in the UK, I have to make a rather quick decision to what I want to do after I have graduated so I have to decide what other things in life I was interested it other than psychology. Without much effort, something popped into my head --- I really really like writing... although, writing can be quite difficult sometimes, having to put one's thoughts into words is not as easy as ABC but I do get a sense of achievement each time I am able to produce an essay of any sort, be it an essay for University purposes or an entry for my blog, I do get a sense of fulfillment and achievement each time I complete jotting my thoughts. I appreciate the power of words and how I could enter the soul of other people with the use of words without having to know them personally or being there physically. This is when I have decided to do Journalism for my masters degree.

Journalism does seem to be a more ideal choice compared to psychology. It provides a more realistic career path and it is also an area of interest to me. At the same time, I could also remain in my current University if I do get the chance to do this course. I was told that having read psychology for my honours degree makes me a suitable candidate for Journalism but I do need to obtain a good degree in order to get into this postgraduate course. Everything does look bright where I could remain where I am and allow the relationship I have now to flourish and pursue a degree of interest. But I have to be prepared that the beautiful picture I am painting now may not even exist at all. I am not an optimistic person, neither am I positive so worries and fears still overwhelm me at times but I don't have the power to do much now except to wait for the divine force to lay out a path of my choice!

I know that psychology would always be my favourite subject and I would miss everything about it if I do get into journalism but I am ready to take this chance and change the course of my life. I think it is fair to say that happiness would only come about with an amount of sacrifices made!

--Flashbacks-- CLOSURE....!

2005-10-29T22:00:00.000+01:00

I came across pictures of a certain someone today, the pictures were taken with his current girlfriend. This 'someone'..... used to be really really special who once had the power to make me devote a fair bit of my life to him. Looking at his face and smile evoked some surprising emotions in me, memories of him came flooding into the already occupied brain of mine. The once happy, sad and even angry memories of past relationships flooded into every single part of my heart like a broken tap---- without stopping and uncontrollably. I realised that I have unconsciously reserved a place in my heart for the people who were once extremely special and important to me. I have never really forgotten about them, just that I have failed to remember them. When I do remember them, I discovered that I still care about them to a great extent but the care that I am feeling for them now is totally different from how it was in the past. I do hope they are getting along fine, that they are happy with their lives and even happier when they were with me in the past because I know that I can no longer provide them with the happiness they need and want from a girlfriend!

How weird seeing someone you have once planned the future with to be in love or intimate with someone else other than you, how weird to see someone you were once in love with together with someone else other than you and how weird to feel uncomfortable seeing and knowing these facts when you have already lost the love for him or her. I think, to a certain extent, this has affected me because they are still very special to me , touched my heart and made a very big impact in my life. Though their status in my heart have definitely lowered, nonetheless, the feelings that I have for them now is still one of a kind.

I must assert, though, I no longer harbour any romantic feelings for the people I used to love, I no longer want a future with them! But, it is undeniable that I would ALWAYS reserve a place for them, a tiny but prominent location in my heart! I care about their well-being, wish for their happiness and hope that they would be safe. I suppose, if any of them needed help from me, I would not think twice but put in my 100% effort to assist them in any way possible. Sometimes, I do worry that they aren't coping well with their lives and feel as if it is my responsibility to help them get through any unhappiness because they used to be the people who gave me indescribable happiness and security, it is only right that I do something back for them.

To the special person who I devoted 5 years (supposedly...) of my life to... I would always remember:

the fun times we shared, you were both my best friend and partner.
the emotional security you used to provide.
all the selfless things you did just for me and the unconditional help you gave.
the candidness of the relationship we used to have, there was no barrier between the both of us and that was something really memorable and special to me.
the funny incidents you shared with my sister and I. ( like the time when you slipped in your socks and cracked the expensive and precious metal backpack of yours while playing with my sister)
your awful singing
the Christmas card, videos, cds you made for me, the expensive gifts you gave
the money you spent on the phone bills when you rang to the UK just to comfort me when I was homesick.
how you took care of me when I was down with a cold, headaches, hangovers and many many more.
'Stitch' bear from the cartoon 'Lilo and Stitch' that you sent from the States.
how you tried to cook a meal for me unsuccessfully.
our clubbing moments, the time when I was laughing so hard because it was my first time having an alcoholic drink and I got tipsy really quickly.
Thailand as being a more than special country to me!

I have had endless memories with him and I would always keep them dearly in my heart, I would flip these chapters of my life every now and again! Hope that he would be remain as optimistic and resourceful in everything he does.

Relationships do not always go in a smooth sailing way and this last part is for someone who I once considered the most important person in my life but my feelings were left neglected, even to the extent of unappreciated and abandoned. The immense hurt that I got out from this person was the worst kind of pain and I felt as if I took the longest time in my life to step out of the dark hole, nevertheless, he made me the person I am today, he made stronger, he made me see the kind of person I am and in turn understand myself more than ever.

I will always remember the not so many good times we had, the ridiculous amount of money that we spent on text chatting, the advice you gave me on love, the inspiration you unconsciously provided for my numerous poems and stories, the false hopes you gave to the gullible me and lastly, the ribena drinks and chocolate spread bread! I hope you will remember me as years catch up with you and take me to be someone who has touched your life!
I always worry about how you are getting on and hope that everything is well for you. Would be glad to help if you ever need any!

Flashbacks are past incidents and there should be a closure to these flashbacks. There is no harm in flipping the chapters of my life every now and then but I have someone even more special in my life now and I am responsible for his happiness and emotional security. I can't live in the past because my future is waiting for me. They would always be people who are dear to me but I have to make a closure to that parts of my life so as to enjoy and be fair to my one and only ---- MDS!!!!

::+* The Utopia that Truly Exists *+::

2005-10-18T21:53:00.000+01:00

I strongly believe that everyone who is or has been alive is in one way or another in search of 'Utopia' but I also believe that they are aware that 'Utopia' does not really exist. As long as war, political arguments, uproars in societies due to racial disharmony, greed, lust, cruelty, jealousy, vengeance, death.... prevail, there is no way a 'Utopia' could ever exist but ironically, these factors in life are precisely what make us Human Beings! Ironically, these are precisely the different aspects in life that make us feel like a person, that make us feel we are alive, these dimensions act like warning signs to us, allowing us to take the necessary precautions to guard ourselves and the people we love and care about. Without these negative happenings and thoughts, human beings would take life for granted and in turn suffer from severe boredom which may result in even worse side effects.

So is there no way at all to locate this 'Land of Paradise'? Some have labelled "unpolluted' islands with air so unbelievably fresh, amazing beaches, untouched beautiful greenery as 'Paradises' (I, myself have always dreamt of going to Hawaii or the Maldives!)! But are these places really the so-called 'Utopias'? With terrorists attacks taking place in various places of interests like Bali, such mishaps are haunting every single soul making everyone feel so unsafe in any part of the world, is it justified to name any place in the globe we are living in now 'Utopia'? I seriously doubt it!!! So it boils down to this question, where exactly is 'Utopia'? Does it exist?

Personally, I think everyone has their own Utopias, it is just the matter of subjective classification. Some may even think that they are already living in an Utopia by having the people they love with all their hearts right beside them, others believe the existence of riches and achievements in life are the requirements for an 'Utopia'. For me (and probably to many others!), I can step into my 'Utopia' once I am ASLEEP!!! Yes.. I believe my dreams in the night or whenever I am asleep are my 'Utopias'!

Have you ever had a dream so real that you think that everything happening at that very moment is just simply reality? I have always had extremely vivid and lengthy dreams with some really entertaining and interesting ones just like a film, others being really pleasant and then again, some others being simply horrifying (I used to share the accounts of my dreams with one of my really good friends in college (Lim Wanni) each time I have a long and engaging dream, those were the times!). I suppose I should just classify the entertaining and pleasant dreams as my Utopia but one point which I must assert is that, I too, appreciate the nightmares that I get every now and then (I shall talk more on that later on!).

At times, I have a rush of impulse to keep a dream journal where I could record every detail of my dream so that I wouldn't forget the details as time goes by but I am an easily restless person with no patience whatsoever. Moreover, a dream journal works the best when one records it right after they wake up from the dream they had, I don't think I could disturb my sleep cycle by dragging myself out of bed, record the details of my dream and then find difficulty in getting back to sleep again after being fully awake, trying to remember and jotting down exactly what happened. I don't think I have the determination to do that at all! But sometimes, I just think I could make a film or write a story based on my dream because they can be so dramatic and engaging that I want to go back to the exact same dream to find out the ending if I were woken up in the middle of it. Other dreams can be so pleasant, sweet and magical that I could feel the euphoria I was experiencing at that moment even after I have woken up, the feeling is indescribable, I feel so secure and safe and genuinely happy in the setting. The place where my dream took place was just breath-taking, the people were like angels and I feel calm... like still waters!! But once I wake up from such a dream, disappointment would overwhelm me and I so hope that I could continue dreaming and not wake up to the reality of my situation in this 'real world'! But then again, I am always against in deceives and untruths so I would still want to face the truth no matter how much and how hard it is! (If I were in the Matrix.. I would definitely take the pill that takes me to the 'real world', I wouldn't want to continue living in the Matrix because I always think to myself, what is the point in living in a big, fat lie? Lies are can never be permanent or superior, they would not be able to cloud your perspective in things forever and I am in favour of permanence and never-changing facts!)

With regards to nightmares, I have a theory for that. I always believed in balance!! To live fruitfully, a person must have balance in every aspects in life and thus I believe dreams serve to balance our emotions. For example, if in real, a person is unhappy, he or she would tend to have more happy and pleasant dreams while for those who are already satisfied with their lives as in they are leading a rather pleasant life, they would then have more unpleasant dreams (I think I should conduct an experiment on this.) This theory is based on my personal experiences, I am getting more bad dreams than I have ever had before and there is nothing majorly wrong with my everyday life, in fact, I am never happier with what I have now, while in the past when I was extremely unhappy, I tend to get a lot of dreams that allow me to gain euphoria. There is probably no link in these two theories but this is just what I have come to accept through experiences. But, I appreciate the sense of relief more than anything when I wake up from the middle of a bad dream, well.. most of the time, I actually force myself to open my eyes and wake up in the middle of a terrifying dream. I am actually quite good in changing the contents of my dreams and forcing myself to get up once I have no intention to carry on with that dream of mine (Lucid Dreams, maybe..!!).

One thing that scares me is how true a dream can sometimes be that I can't even differentiate between reality and dreams. It feels as if I have lost control of myself and if I can't differentiate the truth from the fake when I am dreaming then how can I be a hundred percent sure that I am not dreaming right now? Probably, in real, we are all living in an 'Utopia' and because all of us feel so satisfied and happy with our lives that the society we are living in our dream world now is to balance our emotions (this thought is from my theory). That explains why there are so much misfortunes happening in our world. This theory also explains 'death'! Once we die, we actually wake up from our 'dreams' and return to Utopia forever and not 'dream' again because in that world, a person is only entitled to dream only once (---- That is EXACTLY why most people classify 'heaven' as Utopia!!!).

I do question myself every now and again whether, what I am experiencing now is for real, whether this is actually a dream. Sometimes, when one has undergone much unhappiness in the past and all of a sudden, something extremely good and perfect in every way comes along and embrace him or her, one would start to have doubts to whether this is for real. I think the saying 'Too good to be true' is more than appropriate to describe a situation like this. Right this moment, I am feeling precisely this. I have always been unlucky when it comes to men but now all of a sudden, I met someone unbelievably sweet, charming and everything I had ever wanted. I can't help feeling as if I am in a dream and none of this is true because I am not that lucky!Have I turned into 'Anirak' (character from my story---- Waiting For you (Wrote this story in the month of March)??

][ YOU are too good to be true and I fear I would wake up one day and lose you forever! xxxx][

-Shopping Therapy-

2005-10-09T23:05:00.000+01:00

I have noticed for a while now that I turn to 'Shopping' for comfort whenever I am upset with something or someone. I seriously do not have the slightest idea to why shopping helps me feel better or why buying things like clothes, shoes and accessories could bring a boost in my mood. All I know is that whenever I go shopping, this mere activity makes me feel I am worthy of love, worthy of attention from people and most important of all, worthy of being alive.

I guess, everyone has different ways of coping with sadness and frustrations. Some people choose to eat lots and lots whenever they are under stress, others choose to sleep their day away, allowing sleep to take them away from reality and to a dream land where everything happens just the way they want it. I, on the hand, have chosen to immense myself into the materialistic side of me and not care about the guilt and regret that I will feel after I have recovered from the emotional illness! I don't think indulging in shopping when someone is upset is a rare thing because I have heard and see some people buying loads and loads of unnecessary things when they are upset. I just happen to be one of the many who vent their anger through shopping! Nothing really wrong with that ( I hope...)!

I had done precisely this today--- Shopping till I drop, which has prompted me in one way or another to write this post. I was feeling upset, of course, which is why I chose to go on a shopping spree. The reason to me feeling unhappy? Well, someone really really special (my honey bunny) told me that he LIKES me a lot but he doesn't LOVE ME YET! I may be expecting too much or I may be considered too hard to please because we have not known each other for that long but of course when you are in a relationship, you would expect the person u like to bits or even love to feel the same way as you do. The rational feeling would be---- I should be understanding and not make a big deal out of it but then human beings are not rational at all, are they? At least I am not. Although, I know that I shouldn't feel upset or anything but feelings can't be controlled and I felt a swarmp of unhappiness and insecurity overwhelmed me. I am not ready to go back down the road where there is any potential for me getting hurt, I do not want to feel as if I like the person more than he likes me. This confusion led to insecurity and in turn led to unhappiness which resulted in a 'big hole in my wallet'!!! I was in a mood where I was ready to buy anything that catches my eye but in a way, I was still rather rational as I could stop myself from buying something majorly expensive.

I do not know what it is about shopping that makes me feel good. I think it is because I could take my mind off the bad things and there is something else to look forward to or it could be that I was able to get attention from retail assistants and speak to a total stranger who has no clue what was going on with my life. It could also be because with the ability to possess these material items, I can in a way or another make up for the emotional side which has failed to be fulfilled properly. Buying things when I am upset has always made me feel better and each time I look at the new things I have bought, I feel as if there is a new and refreshing side of me that has left uncovered and thus allowing me to keep on living and find out exactly what it is that has left untouched in my life.

This shopping therapy is rather expensive but has also brought me to a stage where I don't take money or anything for granted. There is no doubt in the value of money and I appreciate the fact that I do not have to worry about this issue now. It has also made me realise that I have to work extremely hard now in my studies and then in future at work so as to be able to earn loads of money to support the people I love and pay for my 'therapy sessions'! There is always a silver lining in everything that happens and I am glad that I am able to learn and make the best out of any bad situations and appreciate the things I have in my life! I am truly thankful for that! But being able to learn something new through such a bad habit of mine does not mean that I can continue acting in such a way, I have to make sure that I will try my very best to kick this really awful and 'money-wasting' habit of mine. I have to try by hook or by crook to indulge in another activity that produces the same effect on me where my mood could be escalated but in a healthier way than SHOPPING!

Suddenly I See....

2005-10-05T10:53:00.000+01:00

Do part-time jobs really determine whether a person is ready to go out into the dog-eat-dog world and face the 2-headed snakes which could be found in every working environment? I certainly hope not! After 2 horrible jobs I had and an incredibly quick decision I made to quite those evil jobs, I start to fear that I may never ever be ready to step into the working world and deal with the meanies and bitches!!!

I am a person who places a lot of emphasis on feelings of comfort and happiness in the surroundings I am in. Even if my responsibilities or duties are as high as a mountain, as long as I am having fun, I feel happy and comfortable with the people around me, I'll be more than happy, more than willing to stay and fulfill my duties to the fullest. It is only when I do not like the people I am working with because they have been extremely mean to me, making me upset that I will set my mind on quitting, determined not to go back to work at at any cost. In a way, I think I am spoilt because the world is not perfect at all and I can't always expect things to turn out exactly how I want it to be. In actual fact, I should be the one who tries to adapt to a new and harsh environment instead of expecting the environment to mould itself into something I am pleased with. A wrong conception has been embedded in my mentality and I find it difficult to eradicate this conception I have of wanting everything to be like a bed of roses!

I remembered how difficult studies were back in college. I chose a combination of subjects which I was rubbish and had completely no interest in. Study hours were sinfully long with me getting barely 5 hours of sleep each day. I had to get up at 6 in the morning and stayed in college till 6 in the evening but I had no complaints at all. The reason was that I was really happy because I had a gang of great buddies who went through this tough period of time with me. Teachers were extremely helpful and kind as well. Every single moment spent in college was enjoyable. Although work load was heavy and had little or no time for pleasure, I still consider the 2 years in college to be the best times of my life! From this example, I know it is not the responsibilities I had which resulted in me quitting certain things, rather it was the relationship with people that pulled me down.

I doubt that I could gain enough courage, perserverance and ignorance to stay on a job which I truly dislike mainly due to the mean treatment from work colleagues. The last job I had was a job at a Chinese restaurant in United Kingdom and after a day working there, I just knew that I had to quit because I was reduced to tears at the end of the day. I knew that I was really upset and I could never work there ever again. This is the second job which I have walked out on after only a short period of time. I just wonder whether I am ready to work at all, something which I should really be worried about since this is the last year of university and would be stepping into the working world sooner than I think it would be.

I came across a newspaper article once talking about how certain people prefer to study than to work and hence they would try all sorts of methods to stay in university, taking up courses after courses. I feel rather worried that I may turn out to be one of these people who refuse to face up to the reality of life, that work is important and all the education that a person is having now or before is to ensure that a good job could be obtained. I do want to earn loads of money and secure a job that I am passionate about! I do not want my job in future to turn out to be a chore but a hobby. Is that too much to ask for? Well, I think if I were to be realistic, the things which I go for in life is too idealistic! The world being unfair and imperfect would never provide me with such a pleasure!

(( 6-Coloured Rainbow ))

2005-09-26T11:33:00.000+01:00

Somewhere, sometime ago, I heard of this saying about 'Romantic Love'--- "Love is one pleasure with a thousand suffering". As I digested these words, I realised, to a certain extent, this saying could be considered true. No matter how steady a particular partner or relationship is, negative feelings like jealousy, insecurity, discontent or anger all contribute to the suffering that a person may encounter. The one pleasure that a person feelings when in love is the feeling of euphoria! Although, there is only one pleasure involved in love but it would be advisable not to underestimate this feeling of euphoria! people in love could be unreasonably happy, they look at everything around them differently, usually with a very relaxed mood. They giggle at the mention of their partner's name and a wide smile is always present on their faces. I am not going to deny that is is indeed true happiness that the people who are in love are feeling at the initial stages of love because they believe that as long as their boyfriend or girlfriend is in their lives, there is definitely a solution to everything else. Probably this sense of euphoria has so much power that it has surpassed the thousand suffering and this for centuries, romantic love is still very much present in the lives of many.

However, as I have mentioned before, euphoria would only dominate a person during the initial/early stages of love, it seems rather illogical that people from different parts of the world and different periods of time are willing to take the risk of falling in love over and over again just to go through the sense of euphoria which only lasts for a few months. Of course, some would disagree that euphoria is not long lasting but call me cynical, I always believe that the passion and sparks of fireworks would diminish, if not vanish, as the relationship extends and at this point, arguments would increase resulting in tears, anger and heartache. So, why does love predominate the lives of people? Why don't people fall in love and so be able to avoid the mishaps of a relationship? What is it about love that makes people want to put their emotions on the edge of a mountain? Personally, I don't think have any answers to these questions. I really don't understand why 'love' has so much irony and why people would want to fall in love.

Initially, I thought that 'love' is a vital requirement for initmacy and reproduction but in the liberal world today, love is no longer required for 2 people to consummate, neither is it needed for reproduction. One-night stands, getting initimate with friends or acquaintances are fine examples of how the feeling of 'love' does not play any role in the once sacred act of love! When it comes to reproduction, little words is needed to be said. In the evolutionary perspective, human beings are just like animals, human beings want to pass on their genes to the next generation. One vital purpose of their survival is to make sure that their genes are able to be perpectuated . So where is the need for love? With recent advancement in technology, women can now choose to visit 'sperm banks' if they want to have an off-spring without a man in their lives. Lastly, it may seem that love is needed to bond 2 people together so that they could spend the rest of their lives together. In other words, love seem to act as a smoke screen for people who just want company. Love is the main issue in this case, is it? Well, i think all they have to do is just make a pact with someone or many others to spend their lives together, keeping each other company until the day they die. It works just as well, doesn't it?

The world today is just full of contradictions! At times, people act as if tehy do not need love at all but love is till very much involved in their lives for centuries! Songs, poems, stories mostly revolve around love, since love contributes so much suffering then why do people still want it in their lives? Why do people yearn for love when they don't have it and complain about the heartaches they go through when they finallly possess love?

Love is similar to a 6-coloured rainbow, it makes a person's world colourful and beautiful but it is far from perfect because a rainbow without 7 coulours is not a rainbow at all, is it? So, love is not love if it is not perfect

-+=:Once Broken Considered Sold:=+-

2005-09-11T05:35:00.000+01:00

A lot of things have been happening lately! So much to the extent that I am racing to keep up with the pace of the uproar of my emotions and the painful slaps of each reality. People always say- "Don't wash your dirty laundry in public!" We, Chinese, believe so much in this saying due to the fear of being judged by relatives, friends and even random people. Under the upbringing of a Chinese culture, I too have adopted this habit of not willing to confide in others of the problems I have at home and at times, extremely personal incidents that I have encountered. I, too, fear being judged, fear being misunderstood and fear of any displeasure or discontent that may arise because of one life story that has been told.

However, it seems that I am being contradicting once again! The existence of my blog is the contradiction. It seems that I am a very 'OPEN' person because I am willing to write down my thoughts for the public to read and even allow comments from people of different woks of life, in between my harmless thoughts on certain issues, I have even openly talked about my failed relationship with a certain someone who I consider special even till now. Apparently, in the eyes of many, I am quite upfront with my feelings, emotions and opinions on incidents, both general and emotional happening around me. Here, I would like to say, in actual fact, I am NOT AT ALL an upfront person. I have a habit of running away from problems and refusing to face up to the reality. I choose not to think of what is happening in front of me or simply refuse to deal with any difficult problems that need immediate attention. With such a personality, how could anyone describe me as upfront or open? An open person is one who has nothing to hide and because of this, they are confident and secure with everything in their life. I am definitely not such a person. I am not open, upfront, secure, neither am I confident!

The reason to why I have gained the courage to 'wash my dirty laundry in public' (Writing personal thoughts and stories on my blog) is because by doing so, I gain comfort in it. It helps me deal with my life. Writing is definitely a healthier way to vent my sadness, frustrations and anger, a lot better than hurting myself or others physically or emotionally. Because of this, my contradictory self has resurface once again. I will 'wash my dirty laundry in public' yet again! I need to let out my displeasure and sadness, I need to feel better! Here.... is the embarrassing piece of dirty laundry.

I have not been seeing my once 'dear and best friends' for almost 2 months now! It seems as if we have the lost the drive to be friends or we have lost the information on how to be friends. I shall confess here now. I truly miss their company, the fun chats and the silly things we used to do! In any friendship or relationship, there are always points of collisions and I think in this case, there is no exception. A collision which have caused an extreme result.

In actual fact, I was the one who chose to back away from them. The reason? I, myself can't specify a certain incident which cause a change of attitude in me. I seem to be losing touch with each and everyone of them. I have no idea when I started to drift away fom them but at times, I just feel my efforts have gone unappreciated and I was no longer on par with them. (A lot of 'I's in those few sentences, if a psychologist were to interpret it, he/she would say "This person puts a lot of emphasis in herself. She believes that she is in the centre of attention and everything revolves around her!" Well... how should I express myself then?). I had been feeling left out for quite a while but chose not to voice out my insecurities, did not want to affect the friendship. But after a while, a lot of things did not fall into place and I just fell apart and decided to leave once and for all!

I felt horrible for the first few weeks. Partly because I did not want to end a meaningful friendship and also none of my so-called 'great buddies' even bothered to ask what happened. They simply ignored all warning signs present. This, I cannot forgive!! After a while, I taught myself not to think about any of them, not to think of the reality of the situation so as to prevent myself from getting hurt and upset. I had wanted to pour out my displeasure on my blog initially but the fact that I had specially set aside a post just for them would only indirectly mean that I still care a lot for them. Something which I do not want to admit to. I kind of hate myself for feeling sad and hurt because all these feelings simply imply they do in fact mean a lot to me. I refuse to let myself feel this way because they, on the other hand, have shown no emotions similar to mine! (My efforts have once again gone unappreciated.) So, I have controlled the urge of writing anything related to them.

Although, it is only fair to mention that one of them have sent several emails questioning my weird behaviour, I still do not think the mere sending of emails is enough to match up to the things I have given emotionally. Due to such a long period of time without meeting up and speaking to them, I have lost out in recent gossips, important things (got to know a lot of what is happening through indirect means like reading their blogs.) happening in their lives. I HATE this feeling of being left because to me, it just implies that I have lost my importance in their lives and in turn lose myself totally!!!

I remembered that I once told Ginette this-- "no matter how we fix a broken mirror, there would be cracks present." I compare this to the friendships or relationships that have encountered their downturns. She in turn replied " A broken glass can always be mended if the owner has the courage to pick up the bits and pieces without fearing to hurt herself and the heart to mend it if she knows that a new piece of glass can never replace the old one.... " Sad to say, I have no idea how to do so though I really want to pick the pieces up, even more so than anyone else but nothing would be the same again and awkwardness would bound to be present because of human nature!

All I can say now is------ "Once Broken, Considered Sold!"

][To Gin(Wenhui)--- Had a pleasant chat with u last night for almost 1 hour and 45mins! Thanks again for the beautiful basket/straw bag and the other stuff given to me!! I really liked them!! Thanks a lot!!!][

][ I can't stop wanting or loving someone the moment they announce they don't want to me][

--Mortifying Men--

2005-09-02T05:52:00.000+01:00

Men!! What exactly are they? Are they heartless creeps, petty beings, nasty and mean creatures whose hearts are made of titanium OR maybe insensitive and selfish jerks? Oh gosh! Life is just full of tough choices. I can't really make up my mind on what men really are after coming up with so many different descriptions. How about this? THEY ARE ALL OF THE DESCRIPTIONS THAT I HAVE MENTIONED ABOVE!!!

The word 'OR' does not need to be included in sentences used to describe men, rather 'AND' would be more appropriate. For example, to answer the question of what men are ---- they are heartless creeps, petty beings, nasty and mean creatures whose hearts are made of titanium AND insensitive and selfish jerks!!

Maybe I am just making a sweeping statement but that is just what I think about men after so having met so many men who have disappointed me one way or another. Here, I shall mention the top three characters in my life (Mind you.. I am just mentioning the TOP THREE.. There are others who have also contributed to my ultimate negative impression of men).

I will start from the person who has gained the third prize:

#3- This particular person has fallen into the category of 'Men who turn ugly when you tell them you have no feelings for them'. This indirectly means these men are those who would stay by your side in times of troubles because they have ULTERIOR MOTIVES. Once they discover they do not stand a chance in being your boyfriend, their personalities would take a major turn. Such a description even applies to someone who have been my 'great buddy' for nine worthless years. His favourite phrases are 'Whatever' and 'I don't know'. Whenever I ask his opinion on some items which I am interested in buying, he would say 'I don't know, I am not good in selecting such things'. My blood would start to boil whenever he gives such a reply. Well.. you could at least try to help!!! I always wonder whether these favourite phrases of his could find their way to escape from that 'golden mouth' when my fast and furious punch comes flying at his face. Yeah... I shall see whether the word 'whatever' could find its strength to crawl out of that swollen mouth!! How could someone be so annoying?? My blood has boiled to its maximum that I have no intention whatsoever to make the friendship work. Well, ever since, I rejected him, I doubt there was any friendship left to save though I had tried to tolerate his insensitive usage of words during inappropriate occasions. I have little/no regret that this friendship has come to an end so sod off!!!!!

The second prize goes to:

#2- The Two Faced Devil!!!!These type of men seems to be around your life all the time. You may think that he is the one who would stick by you through thick and thin even if you were not linked romantically together. However, no free lunch is available in this blood-sucking world! With a streak of personality similar to #3 where he is around because of ulterior motives but the reason to why he has the ability to obtain the second prize is because he plays it a lot milder, he is more confident and more scheming than #3. He possess traits like hypocrisy, pettiness and lying!! He could be saying something really mean in front of a person but would turn around and give you one of his most heartwarming smiles. He is always slashing his 'blunt but brainless' knife at me, thinking that I have failed to notice it. There are many occasions where my ' Niagara falls' was about to erupt but with his attitude, I know that he is not at all worth my explosion!! He can carry on with his pretense, I would just play along with you. I am a Gemini-- The twins.. He has not seen my innate ability to put on different masks!!

Lastly, the arse-shaped trophy with the caption "You have a teeny weeny........ Conscience!!" written on it should be given to:

#1- The Devil at large!!! This person always claims to be a good person. To be exact, his words are " I am not a bad person". Guess what? Welcome to reality ( which is the PRESENT MOMENT that we are living in RIGHT NOW!!). I hate to be the one breaking this to you but 'You are a HORRIBLE person!!!' Please get this into the sponge- like brain of yours. First of all, why would birds drop dead when they fly past you? That is because you release a kind of vibe that is so nasty that living things can't survive around you!!! Please stop living in that fantasy world where you are a saint who is free of guilt and sins!!! Well... as long as you are happy lying to yourself!!!

In the past, people used to say that women are petty creatures but look at the men today?? Most of them hold a sense of pettiness while as a woman myself, I seem to be less calculative and would still speak to them when given a chance.

Women used to be burnt at stakes because they were thought to be witches and evil. Well... as centuries have shown, who is the evil one with men deserting their wives for younger, more beautiful women ( We are not your SLIPPERS!) and others cheating women of their feelings and money. Evidence seemed to have proven men to be more evil than most women. I may be wrong or I could be narrow-minded but whatever it is, my thinking is shaped by the men around me!!!

][I tend to be self-contradictory and with regards to this topic, it is no exception. I have recently completed watching a Korean soap drama known as 'Stairway to Heaven'. It is shown every week on Mondays and Tuesdays at 10pm on channel U (Singapore). Do watch it because it is one of the most heart wrecking but touching soaps ever. Because of this drama, I still retain some faith that there are men who would love their girlfriends with all their hearts. One of his lines in the drama is ' Your true love would always come back to you.'][

][ Here are some pictures of the drama 'Stairway to heaven' and Kwon Sang Woo][

[] Kwon Sang woo (Song Joo o-ba, his character's name in 'stairway to heaven'. 'o-ba' is 'brother' in korean.)with all the cast. He sure knows how to cry in the drama[]

[] Kwon Sang-Woo with the female lead- Choi Ji Woo[]

[] Kwon Sang Woo (kung fu style!)[]

[] Sang Woo[]

-* The Lonely Soul*-

2005-08-23T05:49:00.000+01:00

For years, I stood at the same spot,
Yelling and screaming for your acknowledgement.
As I yelled and screamed, I waved my arms frantically
To attract any sort of attention from you.

But you turned your back towards me,
Without even raising an eyebrow in my direction.
I watched, as you laughed, kissed and held another (or many others) in your arms.
Tears would roll down my cheeks as I did nothing
To stop the cruel scene from acting out right in front of me.

After a while, I stopped yelling, I stopped screaming and I stopped waving my arms.
I merely stood at the same spot,
Waiting STUPIDLY for the day a miracle would appear,
Though I know perfectly well that is impossible for you to leave her world.

You would never understand the tears I have shed or
The sadness I have gone through.
So why should I force myself to love everything about you?
I started to turn my back against your back.
And looked away from your world.

Standing at the same spot,
I looked at people other than you.
But I still failed to possess the courage to take a small step away.
I SWEAR, I would be able to walk away from you.
I SWEAR, when I do leave, I would never, ever, even take a glance at
What I have left behind.

One day, you would discover that the person who really loves you, has chosen to consume all the misery and suffer alone.

][ My greatest regret was that I did not write this 'poem' down when I first thought of it. I thought of the words to the 'poem' in the wee hours of the morning, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep and my mind started wandering here and there. The words just came to my head as I thought of that...... (I want to call him nasty names but decided against it coz I don't swear!) idiot. Naturally, I was too lazy to get up and pen them down so this is the revised version where some of my inspiration was from a Chinese song.][

~::Time after Time (A story)::~

2005-08-15T02:29:00.000+01:00

"Hello Yasmine, how can I help you today?" an overly cheerful voice called out as I stepped into the warm and cosy place. It was James, he beamed happily as I took my seat. He was a stylish man in his 40s. James had been my hair stylist for years and I trusted him with all my heart. James had surprisingly good and smooth skin and cheekbones to die for. He was wearing a pair of leg-hugging tight jeans, in pink! A white shirt was clad on him with only the last three buttons done up, exposing his hairy chest, a scarf with leopard prints was tied neatly around his neck.

As I sat down uncomfortably in front of a full length mirror, James started talking about the different types of hairstyles that were suitable for me. I wondered whether men could be like hairstyles where others could advise me on the ones that were suitable for me. So much unnecessary hassle could be avoided if men could be just like hairstyles, I would not have to think about whether this or that bloke had passed the compatibility test, all I had to do was to look at the shape of my face and determine the kind of man suitable, but men being one of the most difficult to understand and please creatures are nothing but trouble to women as well as for themselves.

When it comes to compatibility between a bloke and I, there are three traits that this person mist possess. The first is, this person must be willng to spend money buying candle-lit dinners, gifts and beautiful flowers. Call me materialistic but to me, this is a sign of romance. I am actually being practical here. These gestures could only be carried out by someone special in my life (or shall I say, no one other than the special someone is willing to spend money on these so-called romantic, expensive yet at times useless things). The second is, he must possess contradictory qualities whereby he loves to travel and try out different activities but would be comfortable spending a day at home with a book. The third trait is that he could be compared to a west highland terrier (my dream dog, by the way), white on the outside, showing off its purity, cleanliness, innocence and bringing hope and happiness each time it trots clumsily towards its owner. Then again, it would bark angrily, baring its teeth to anyone who it believes to have the potential for bringing harm to it and its owner. Well,at least these were the things that I would think about when I have nothing to do. But now, all I could think about is the wedding held tonight.

Weddings are supposed to be joyous occasions even when the family members of the bride and groom are crying. The tears are of course, tears of joy. I have always been in favour of weddings. I love the gorgeous wedding dresses, the romantic love songs (hopefully, the song 'true' by Spandau Ballet is heard), the happy faces that everyone carries at the wedding party. For years, I had looked forward to my own wedding and in normal circumstances, I would be more than ecstatic to attend the wedding party tonight with me in a champagne couloured wedding dress, holding a bouquet of pink lilies attached together with a yellow string, eight white roses neatly arranged as a tiara on the top of my head and walking down to the man I have known and given my heart to for 2 years... Yes! More than ecstatic to grace this magical event tonight.... if only the bride were I, and the groom was not the person I love.

"So, what would you like to do with your hair today, love?" he said gently.

"I..er..I am attending Julius' wedding party," as these words came out of my mouth, I lost control of my emotions, tears filled up in my eyes so quickly that they could not be contained in the limited space of my eyes, they started to roll down my cheeks uncontrollably. My heart ached as I cried. The people at the hair salon turned their attention to me. Some offered kleenex, others offered words of comfort. Only James stood there without budging while tapping his scissors impatiently against the metal handle of my chair.

"I can't believe you are crying over that jerk boyfriend of yours. I mean, ex-boyfriend and also the groom to another woman. I have always tolf you that he is nothing but trouble. He is like a peppered steak with all the crap at the top, all the garnish. Looks appetising and pleasing to the eyes but taste remarkably bitter. There are so many other fishes in the sea, Yasmine, it is madness to give up something good but it is utter stupidity to hold on to something bad. You are better off without him. You know what you should do this very moment? Crying till your cheap branded mascara flows down your cheeks is definitely not on the list, in case that is what you are wondering. You must make sure that you'll be able to make it to the wedding not with an envious and sour face but with grace and elegance. Show him what he is missing out on. Don't worry, I'll make sure you look as pretty as a fairy tonight and let him regret on choosing someone else," James said with confidence.

I wiped my tears away with the kleenex and sat there obediently as James did his job. The three traits of compatibility always seemed to hold little importance whenever I was in a relationship. I always seemed to ignore all the signs of a potential jerk, all in the name of love. Silly me for ignoring the signs of disloyalty. Come to think of it, Julius looked more like a bulldog than a west highland terrier. I couldn't help but laugh at this thought. He does indeed look more like a bulldog with his fat face and droopy eyes. Customers in the salon carried weird looks as their attention turned towards me once again. One minute I was crying my eyes out and the next, I was laughing so much that the sides of my stomach nurt.

An hour later, James finally completed his masterpiece. I looked at myself in the mirror and the reflection was astounding. I looked so different with my hair done up so beautifully. My hair was not done to the extent where it was too dramatic that I would snatch the limelight from the bride, neither was it too shabby that I look as if i had been cooped up in the house for days (which is exactly what I had been doing for the past weeks or so after being dumped and receiving the news of his wedding).

"You are all ready to go, all you have to do is wear a simple dress, simplicity surpasses everything," advised James.

Many have said that when a person looks good, he or she would feel good. I could not agree more on this statement. I had not felt this good for a long time. I thank James for his effort. he gave me a reassuring wink as I stepped out of the salon.

I walked with dignity and pride, it was as if the wind was blowing in my direction as I made my way to the underground station, giving me a sense of self-worth. For a long time, I had shut myself at home, facing the plain four walls of my room, reminiscing the happier times I spent with Julius. But now, thinking about the shock and regretful face on Julius a.k.a the would-be-groom of tonight when he sees my drop-dead gorgeous look, my mood escalated and instead of looking down on the ground as I walked, something which I always tend to do, I found myself, window-shopping.

It was then, I saw a beautiful white dress with scattered red roses on a mannequin, at a shop known only as 'tranquility'. I fell in love with the dress immediately. I stood outside the shop, unable to take my eyes off the dress. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone pressing hard on the buttons of a calculator. I turned towards his direction and saw a handsome man, looking super- sexy and desirable, calculating the price of the dress with his calculator. He was not local. He looked at the dress while I looked at him. I got a little too close to desperation to find out where he was from. He flinched slightly and took a glance at me. I had to speak to him, did not want him to think of me as an ordinary, nosey girl.

"Pretty dress, isn't it?" I said.
Score. How very original! My god!

"Yes, it is lovely," he repled with a thick American accent.

"Getting it for your girlfriend?" I prompted

"No, my sister's birthday is around the corner, thought of getting this dress for her but I am trying to work out the price of the dress in American dollars," he said, eyes still fixated at the dress.

I moved forward, offered to help him. I am not good at numbers but I had ro do something to keep the conversation going. Thank god, luck was on my side that day, in just a few seconds, I 'skilfully' converted pounds to American dollars using my mobile phone. I had no idea how I did it but I could not care less as long as I could speak to him. He smiled and thanked me but this time, there was a twinkle in his eyes as he looked at me. BINGO!!

He wanted to buy me dinner as a way to thank me. I said yes without thinking. A few enjoyable hours later, we were holding hands at a restaurant. We had got on so well. I could feel my life making a turn for the better. It is funny how love appears when one least expects it. I felt like I was in a fairy tale, such things do not normally happen but whatever it is, I am glad that he came into my life and I made a move to speak to him. I could finally raise my head high and mighty when I attend Julius' wedding tonight. This feeling was fabulous.

That afternoon, in London, I merely stood in front of the shop called 'tranquility' as i looked at the beautiful white dress while the man finished calculating. I watched his brown hair and broad shoulders. I did not speak to him. Maybe I should have done. But when he walked away,I don't think he even noticed me at all. I walked away quickly, hinking about the wedding tonight.

THE END!

][ Something personal to share with all of you, I went for a blood test last week and Have officially been diagnosed with an illness called Thyrotoxicosis. On medication for 1 and half years and will probably have to go for surgery.][

-* Desert of Joy *-

2005-08-02T08:47:00.000+01:00

Each time I listen to Jay Chou's ( My favourite singer) chinese song, 'Wai Po' (Maternal Grandmother), I would unconsciously think that, one day, I would be just like this singer where i would pen down my thoughts and feelings in the form of a song.

I will give a brief overview of this song before I start on what i want to talk about. This song is written by Jay Chou Jie Lun, a talented taiwanese singer. His song starts off by rapping about his maternal grandmother's birthday, what his grandmother really needs is a lot of care and concern and not 600 dollars, in the chorus, a young girl's voice comes on who happens to play his cousin ( not really sure whether she is really his cousin.) talks about how Jay had brought his grandmother to a music award ceremony which he placed great emphasis on, on her birthday a year before. Jay's voice would come on after that, rapping again, on how he had failed to receive a single award during that music award ceremony. As he rapped, he said that he did not know whether he should smile or not but in the end, he just smiled sheepishly in the camera that was filming him and felt that he was a laughing stock. In the song, he confessed that he felt sad not because he had failed to receive an award but felt disappointed after he saw the disappointment in his grandmother's face. The young girl's voice would continue singing after Jay had let out his feelings saying adults ( judges) have failed to understand the hard work Jay had put in, rather they made their decisions based on their mood to neglect Jay's work. The judges complained that there was no change in Jay's music and they have listened to the same thing for three years with no surprises. Jay then explained he had wanted to be keep his style and be determined about it and felt he had no reason to change if his grandmother loves his music.

How amazing it is to be able to confess one's anger, displeasure and unhappiness in a song. The lyrics of a song plays an important role to whether it can earn listeners. I judge a song by listening to the tune as well as knowing the lyrics. Even if a song has a lousy tune but great lyrics, it would still be among my list of favourite songs. As i listened to this song, i told myself that in future , i want to be a singer or a composer or an actress. I would definitely be one of these IN FUTURE.

IN FUTURE....
1) I would be a well known actress/ model
2) I would have a loving boyfriend and get married.
3) I would be able to write a book.
4) I would be a psychiatrist.
............................... (Many more..)

So many things which i want to acheive IN FUTURE. It was only recently that i realised that i had not much time left to fulfil what i want to be. I am definitely not qualified to be an actress or a composer or a model IN FUTURE coz i am no longer young and these are some of the things which needs a lot of teaching, effort and time which i do not have.

How naive of me to take myself as a child and think that there is 'a future' ahead of me to fulfil these dreams. If i want to have a loving boyfriend or be a psychiatrist, i have to start doing all the work now and not wait till ' THE FUTURE' because my present is my future. I am not young anymore and have to start planning what i want to have and be in future.

I cannot afford to be so fickle-minded and decide for once what i want to acheive in life, i guess this applies to everyone around my age.

][ Waiting for you. I am waiting for you. Waiting for your kiss in the night. Waiting for you to come here to my dreams. Waiting for you, waiting for you, waiting for you, forever.][

~ exoticwaverly.blogspot.com ~

2005-07-15T02:13:00.000+01:00

One of the hottest topics in newspaper, forum pages/sites or in everyday conversations is the issue of blogging. Discussions revolve around the advantages and disadvantages of blogging, the indirect messages each post holds and the state of mind the writer is in when the post was written.

Blogging is a fairly recent innovation of the internet age. Many see blogging as an updated form of public diary keeping. These people have added to the rich feast of public discourse that is the world wide web (www). Blogging is by nature a highly idiosyncrative activity. Web loggers (bloggers) "blog" at their own pleasure, with some blogging several times a day, daily, weekly or monthly. They could make their blog entries as long or as short as they wish, depending greatly on one's time and mood. A blog entry might contain only 2 or 3 paragraphs of text, or pages and pages of text. Some blogs are a little more than a series of photographs with captions. Others consist of video and/or audio clips. Serious bloggers can devote four or five hours a day to the activity. However, not all of the time is spent actually writing or creating visuals; much of it is spent reading and responding to feedback to gathering news and information that might be of interest to the blogger's readers. It is always a good idea to have content to put in each post.

The layout of each blog might be simple or complex, depending on the blogger's enthusiasm (and talent) for working with images and graphics. More graphics and features naturally require more work. A generous amount of time and effort is required when it comes to designing a blog, ranging from the ability to understand what each HTML code means to downloading and saving the pictures which one wants to appear at his or her blog.

I first started creating my blog last year (2004) under the influence and encouragement from my 'friends'. Ever since then, I have been blogging quite consistently, jotting down my thoughts, views, experiences and heartache on certain incidents which had occurred to me. Initially, I had a hard time thinking of my blog's name, title or even what I want to write on. Ultimately, I decided on exotic waverly. I chose exotic because I love things or places falling under the exotic looks and interested in exotic cultures. With regards to the word 'waverly', you might have noticed that I have used the word 'wave' in my email address (wave_place@hotmail.com). Well, actually, there is a reason to why I love the word 'waverly'. I took literature as my humanities subject in secondary school. At that time, I had to read a book called 'The Joy Luck Club' by a Singaporean author, Amy Tan. One of the characters in the book was called 'Waverly Place Jong'. I had always loved this name because it was just so different from any other names I have come across. Perhaps it is the usage of the word 'Place' as a person's middle name. Haven't been able to get over the uniqueness of this name. Anyway, after having decided on the address for my blog, I have realised it sounds more like a porn site. (Ha!). But wouldn't change it because of the significance which it has earned over the past year or so.

Probably because of the emotional attachment with my blog, I have come to appreciate the existence of 'blogs'. For me, blogs serve as a decent outlet of one's fears, anger, discontent, sadness and any feelings of hopelessness. It is a place to write about what I think of certain people as well as things which may not be a substantiate topic to appear in conversation or could be too serious to be discussed in light conversations. Blogging allows me to escape from the reality, pressures and unhappiness of life. I always feel so much better after disclosing my negative thoughts to the public. Many would ask, 'why don't you keep a diary instead?' I have thought about it and had even done so when I was younger but whatever thoughts or feelings that one has. I believe to a certain degree, one would like someone to be aware of it even if it has nothing to do with the person reading it. At the same time, I would refrain myself from sounding too harsh about other people if I choose to write on the blog. If I were to write in a diary, I would feel guilty about the harsh and mean things which I have written in the past.

Any writing ability which one might possess but left unknown to others could be revealed through blogging, at times, even the blogger himself would be amazed at the skill that he had secretly possessed. My blog is the only thing I am proud of so far and would be devastated if I lose all my posts one day or if I lose the ability to pen down my thoughts. At times, I would be worried that I would run out of things to write, I think I would need my everyday experiences to provide me with inspirations.

However, there is of course a price to pay for some who abuse the art of blogging by comparing their lives to a blog, they have refused to communicate how they feel to the people around them more often than not, they would ask people to read their blog when they are probed about how they were doing. Others would turn their blog into a porn site, placing naked pictures on their blog. At times, arguments between friends arise because of blogs. Many different kinds of problems come about due to blogging.

Nevertheless, I am still in favour of the idea of blogging as it has helped me through some of my darker times allowing me to seek comfort in it by writing about my life and my heartache!

][ 17th of July (sun) ----- YOUR BIRTHDAY, Wishing you a very happy birthday!!! Hope you'll enjoy this special day..... with your loved ones!! Karina Jing xxxx][

::..:A Princess' Fairytale:..:

2005-07-09T04:06:00.000+01:00

Once upon a time, in a kingdom faraway, there a beautiful and kind-hearted princess. The princess was so beautiful that wherever she went, flowers would blossom and birds would chirp their favourite tune happily. The kind-hearted princess brought joy to the people in her kingdom, by giving out food and money to the poor and maintaning a close and genuine relationship with the rich. The king and queen loved her and the people in her kingdom adored and respected her.

With a face shaped like a heart and eyes that werelarge and sparkiling, princes from all over the world would travel for days and nights to ask for her hand in marriage but each time the princess would turn them away without even taking a second glance at the hopeful princes. The people in the princess' kingdom could not understand why the princess refused to get married even when some of the princes possessed many distinctive qualities.

Little did they know that although the princess had everything she ever wante, she was far from happy. Underneath her intricately decorated and exqusite grments, she kept an ugly secret. The beautiful and elegant princess was actually suffering from a rare skin condition attacking her back and chest with many red spots. For twenty-one years, the princess had tried to keep her skin condition a secret, she would forbid the palace maids from bathing her and disallow anyone to be in her room serving her while changing. The pricess was extremely self-conscious and ashamed of her back and chest. Even though her face was not affected by the spots and possess a porcelain complexion, her self-esteem was still shattered to pieces. All she could do was to cover her back with her silky long black hair. The princess believed that no prince would love her after seeing the spots on her back and chest. She did not believe that she would get married and live happily ever after.

The King and Queen were worried about their daughter's condition. They were aware of their daughter's skin condition, the King brought back several infamous physicians hoping to find a cure for the princess' condition.; However, none of the highly skilled physicians were able to treat the princess. These physicians were banished to the outskirts of the kingdom by the furious King.

One day, an old physician arriving at the palace gates claimed to know a way to help the princess. The King and Queen welcomed him with open arms. The princess sat at a corner, a sense of hopelessness swarmed over her once again. The physician then revealed that there was a very rare fruit known as the 'forbidden fruit', could cause the spots on the princess' back and chest to subside. However, this forbidden fruit was extremely rare and very few people have seen it.l Legends have stated that this fruit was only eaten by fairies to keep their skin fair.

As the physician left with half of the rewards in hand, word started to spread around the kingdom. At the end of the day, the story was fabricated to, the forbidden fruit was an antidote for a poisonous flower that the princess had eaten and whoever could procide the forbidden fruit to the princess would win her hand in marriage. Though this story was untrue but to the King and Queen, this fabricated story was a blessing in disguise. The next few weeks, princes from neighbouring kingdoms brought several different kinds of fruits thought to be the forbidden fruit. The princess ate the fruits that were given to her with a hope that one of these fruits would eradicate the spots on her. But weeks turned into months, the princess' chest and back showed no improvement and none of the princes won the favour of the royal family.

The princess felt sad. She had lost faith in love and felt that she had no right to love someone or have someone to love her back because of her ugly body. She walked into the woods near her castle with a heavy heart. As she walked, she kept asking herself why she had done to go through such an ordeal when she had done nothing bad to others. As she walked deeper and deeper into the woods, she found herself standing in the middle of a beautiful place. The place was so different from the rest of the woods. The princess looked at the magnificent waterfalls, the colourful birds flying around, the greeness of the grass and trees and the beautiful flowers around her. She was amazed by the sight and could not help wandering around. As she walked around, she came upon a small white and blue cottage with a large garden. The princess walked in slowly and saw many different types of trees bearing a wide variety of fruits. She wondered whether her forbidden fruit was among them. Just then, she heard the cottage door open, the princess turned around and saw the most beautiful lady. The lady was dresse in a blue, lacy dress. The princess saw a glowing yellow light around the lady. As the lady in blue walked nearer, the princess realised that she was not just any lady, the lady was actually a beautiful fairy.

The fairy greeted the princess with a smile and a bow and told the princess that those who were able to find their way to where the fairies lived were blessed with love by many people. Without saying another word, the fairy led the princess to a tree with only one single fruit. The princess looked at the ripe, juicy, delicious fruit dangling just beyond her reach on a tree in someone else's garden. The fairy looked at the princess and simply told the princess that the fruit was the solution to any problems she had. The princess smiled and knew exactly what she had to do. The princess ate the fruit without hesitation and as she did so, the spots on the princess' skin disappeared. The princess was so happy and it was a long time, since she laughed so happily. Before the princess left, the fairy said to her, "Find your true love and you will live happily ever after." The princess was too ecstatic to think anything more to such an advice and ran back to the palace to inform the King and Queen of the good news.

Many months later, the confident young princess finally got married to her prince charming. The handsome young prince loved the princess for her extraordinary beauty and selfless character. The princess thought that her problems had left her forever but as she was bathing one day. She saw that large red spots had once appeared at her chest and back. The princess started to panick but could tell no one about it. The princess became more and more reclusive and the prince grew worried.

Finally, the princess burst into tears one day and confessed to her husband about her skin condition. The prince looked at her and told her that he loved her not just for her beauty but loved her soul as well. The prince loved the way she was. Loving the princess would mean the prince should embrace everything the princess has, whether the things were good or bad. The princess was touched and right at that moment the fairy who gave the fruit to the princess approved. The fairy was happy that the princess had found her true love she revealed that the forbidden fruit did not exist at all. The fruit that was given only act as a shield to the princess'physical flaws for 2 months. Before leaving, the fairy told the princess that all the fears that the princess used to have, about not having the right to love and receive love were like the forbidden fruit - DOES NOT EXIST AT ALL! True love is about acceptance and when the princess had found her true love, she would be accepted unconditionally.

With that, the fairy disappeared and the prince and princess lived happily ever after.

-The End-

][We are like a beautiful flower that had failed to blossom, not because I did not water or fertilise it but because you chopped off the stem. Now, you are even trying to pull out the roots, killing it forever!][

::A Twinkle Lies in the Stars::

2005-07-02T01:54:00.000+01:00

I had actually planned to include the topic of FATE in my last post "Millions and Billions of Shimmering Stars" but after having finished writing on star signs, the length of the text was rather long so had decided to create another new post for this topic.

Human beings are curious about the unknown. For instance, immense amount of attention has been placed in investigating ghosts, the third dimension, unidentified flying objects (UFOS), life outside of earth and so on. These phenomena used to be considered as the 'unknown' for their existence, and even after people have reported sighting such phenomena, feelings of doubt are still present in most people. Even till today, there is still insufficient evidence to prove that ghosts or UFOs do exist and whether the sightings reported were true.

Whether human beings believe in the sightings reported or in their existence depends greatly on the individual. Such subjective beliefs could also be found in the issues of fate, psychic readings, premonitions, past life, life after death and so on.

When it comes to fate, some believe that one's life follows a process designed or shall I say, planned by fate, while others believe that one's past , presentnad future are not planned by anyone or anything. They believe that they are the ones controlling their own destiny and any outcomes in life is the result of their achievements and failures.

With regards to the western's perception, it seems that any twinkle in the life in the stars. A person's character is determined by the stars (star signs). As soon as this came about, daily horoscopes forecasts were available in newspapers and magazines. People check their star signs' daily forecasts for future happenings so as to be prepared for anything that may come their way. Personally, I do not consider such forecasts to be true but would still read them mainly because of the 'better than sorry' feeling that I have. Not having faith in horoscopes' daily forecasts does not imply that I have lost my confidence in the unique characteristics that each horoscope holds. Being able to know the horoscopes of my friends would give me a sense of security because I would know what to expect from the other party. Not that I judge a person by his or her horoscope before knowing the real them. Knowing their horoscopes could allow me to classify them and know more about them beforehand.

Tarot card readings, psychic crystal ball readings are also widely popular in the west. These readings claim to be able to 'see' one's past and future. Many have discovered that psychic readers tend to talk about very general incidents or characteristics about both the past and the future. The readings could be so general that many people could not specifically conclude whether the readings are accurate.

In the east, palmistry is the most popular way of knowing one's life. It is believed that one's destiny has been planned ever since they were born. By looking at the different lines on the palm, one's career, love life, prosperity and any misfortunes that one may encounter could be known. FATE has designed the life that people will go through.

Personally, I believe that one's whole life is written in a large book by some kind of divine force. Each person's book has a unique story. All of these books are kept in shelves hidden in a place outside of our dimension (the place would probably be in the 3rd dimension). I do not think all psychic readers or tarot card readers are swindlers who are out there to cheat others for their (since I, myself have been to tarot card readings a couple of times). To me, psychic readers act as people standing in between our dimension and the place where all these 'books of life' are kept. Just life many believe doctors to be 'angels' sent by GOD to save human beings from their suffering and the only 'official' people on earth who could interfere with life and death. Psychic readers play a similar role and at some point in time, they gained access to the place where these books are kept, got hold of the book and looked at a certain person's past and future.

I watched a Japanese film recently called 'Premonition', this film talked about how a newspaper writing on one's future appeared in Japan. The film explained that at times, one;s future incidents that had been planned could get lost and could be accessible to people. If one's life is not planned, how would some psychic readers know anything about one's past and future? Another experience encountered by most people is known as 'De Ja Vu' has also supported the belief that one's life is planned by someone or something! People have dreams that foresee the future and these dreams have turned into reality for some, with the exact things happening no matter how hard a person tries to prevent them from happening. This shows that one's future, destiny could not be altered and is beyond our control.

I believe in fate, believe that one's life is beyond out control, believe that every single thing that happened, happened for a reason (though sometimes I can't see or understand the reason behind it), believe that it is FATE which brings my family, friends, acquaintances and I together. Perhaps one of the reasons resulting in me believing in FATE could be due to me wanting to shift the blame to FATE instead of myself whenever something goes wrong. But them again, I would not just sit there and wait for FATE to bring certain things to me. Quite contradicting, isn't it? Well, I guess this is because I am a Gemini (The Twins) and so I have unconsciously adopted 2 different views of FATE. Of course, it is one's choice to whether an individual believes in fate. A very subjective matter! The world is vast, full of mysteries so it would not be surprising that things beyond the norm could exist.

A poem by James Fenton dedicated to ANONYMOUS who had written such a sincere, heartrending and touching comment!

- Let's Go Over It All Again -(edited)

Some people are like that
They split up and they think:

Hey, maybe I haven't hurt her to the uttermost.
Let's light up the fire of pain again.

Let's go over it all again.
Let's rake up over the dirt
Let me pick that scab of yours.
Does it hurt?

Let's go over what went wrong --
How and Why and When
Let's go over what went wrong --
Again and Again.

I hurt her badly once
I said a lot of nasty stuff
But lately I've been thinking how
I didn't hurt her enough.

Maybe there's more where that came from,
Something more malign
Let me damage her again
For the sake of auld lang syne

Yes, let me see her bleed again!!

][ I don't give a SHIT to what you think just like how you don't give a shit to how I feel][

:Millions and Billions of Shimmering Stars:

2005-06-21T08:04:00.000+01:00

As we all know, there are millions and billions of stars shining brightly in the sky, right above us. Stars are beautiful to look at, serving as romantic props for lovers to engage in star-gazing in the first few stages of courtship. These shimmering stars not only stand out in the midst of the pitch black sky during the night but have also served as a reminder to the people on earth that the universe is vast. Lastly, this beautiful picture of shining, shimmering and glittering stars against a black background supports the fact that all beautiful things in life are FREE!!

Stars are hot glowing balls of gases. It gives off light and other forms of electromagnetic radiation whose source is nuclear energy. Stars differ widely in mass or weight, size, temperature, and brightness. The brightest stars are about a million times more powerful than the sun, while the least bright are only one hundredth as powerful. The biggest stars are hundreds of times greater in size than the sun. Stars differ in brightness for two reasons - they are actually brighter or not as bright and also because of their distance from the earth. These are the scientific explanations of stars.

Based on my character and interests, I would never write a post that revolves around science because it would only bore myself and probably many others who are reading this post to death. Before going into detail about what I want to talk about, I would start off by introducing a quote which I have found to be highly similar to what I believe in.

][Stars surround us. At night they are everywhere, dotting the sky; in the daytime, our Sun, dominates, its brilliant light washing the others away until twilight yields to darkness. They are the givers of light and life. "To know ourselves, we must know the stars."][

It is the last sentence that has captured my attention. "To know ourselves, we must know the stars." I think, by now, many would have guessed what I am going to talk about in this post. I am going to talk about star signs.

Star signs, also known as horoscopes, are believed to govern our personalities and inner traits. There are twelve star signs in total--- Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces, Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio and Sagittarius. I admit to be a horoscope fanatic, I used to spend loads of time reading up on the different characteristics of the twelve horoscopes, devoting more time to reading the traits of 'Gemini' since I fall under the Gemini star sign. After having read the same thing about Gemini over and over again, I would start researching on other star signs belonging to my close friends or the person I am in love with or the horoscopes belonging to my family members. At the end of the day, I have come to know a lot about a few specific star signs and only brief traits of other signs but if I were given a chance to talk about any star sign, I would most probably talk about them based on my own experiences with people possessing them.

Many skeptics have doubt the level of credibility of star signs governing one's personality. They have asked how 6 billion people on earth could be categorise using 12 star signs, this implies that many people would have SAME personalities. Being a firm believer of horoscopes, I was quite upset that my belief was not only not supported but denied by many cynics and skeptics around the world. It was only much research that I realised these 12 star signs are known to be one's SUN signs. To accurately determine the traits of a person's personality, one has to look into the MOON signs. Moon signs could be obtained by one's birth date and time of birth, moon signs look into the position of the moon during one's birth. A person could have a sun sign of a Gemini and a moon sign of a cancer. This depends on the star which the moon has arrived on during that specific time of birth.

This although does not seem to be a reasonable explanation as it does not take into account one's upbringing and experiences which may alter or take charge of one's perceptions and reactions to different incidents in life. However, such an explanation is sufficient for me to hold on to my belief in horoscopes.

][ Hoping that a divine force would bring me, a Gemini and the person who I yearn for, a Cancer, TOGETHER!!!][

- Humans' Need for Company-

2005-06-14T07:51:00.000+01:00

Today is the 14th of June, my special day!! However, I do not really have the feeling that today is a special day reserved just for me! I had to constantly remind myself that today is my BIRTHDAY!! Well, I guess that is because most of the celebration were held on the 12th of June, a number of my friends have misunderstood that my birthday is on that day when my party was held ( well, of course those who had misunderstood were not my really close friends). All of the special feelings have already been drained at that party.

My party which was held on the 12th of June could be considered a successful one. Most of my friends turned up, all the games were conducted according to plan, received a lot of presents which I like!! Was really satisfied with the MP 3 player that Yokie bought, the mini purple and white skirt and the notebook that Ginette had given, the Web camera that yappy bought ( I am sure this web cam would be extremely useful) and last but definitely not least, the bouqent of flowers and glittering perfume that Philip had given to me. There are other presents too and I know that I should give my thanks to those people but would like to thank my close pals here.

From this party, I realised that close and true friends would offer to come early to help with the decorations and some would even help transport to food to my place and buy ice for the party ( hehe.. That's Wanni and her friend, Zhihao.). The even closer ones would offer to take up the responsibility to get the decorations and cook most of the food! ( Ginette, Yokie, Philip and Yappy). I really appreciate all the help that was given making the party a successful and enjoyable one! Others who are not that close but are considered really good friends are those who would try their best to make it to my party despite of appointments or other commitments. I appreciate it a lot! I am grateful to those who make their appearances even for a short while!

Through my party, I have also realised that human beings need a lot of company with different types of people, this is a known fact! I think a person without friends or family would definitely be extremely lonely both physically and mentally! There are bound to be signs of depression if one lives without friends or family. Friends and family act as pillars of life where they could provide help in times of need and provide laughter and fun during happy times. I, personally need a lot of external things to make me feel alive and worthy. I need friends' company to boost up my self esteem and confidence. I would feel very insecure if I were alone without any one beside me to go through happy and sad times! I need to be constantly reminded that I am worthy of staying alive, this is fulfilled when I see that I have my family and friends around me. In other words, I need people around me to feel secure and alive. ( so pathetic!!)

Then again, the need for company for almost everything has also ruined a lot of chances or any wants in life. Whenever there are any clubs which I want to join, I would think twice before making any hasty decisions because I know that I would not dare to go alone and need to find a friend to accompany me and thus, there are many things which I want to do and learn but unable because I can't find someone to go with me! For so many years, I have failed to learn the things which I want to due to such a stupid and invalid reason, I do not even dare to go to the cinema alone but I had challenged myself while I was in UK and had found that it was not that scary after all. Therefore, from now on, I will learn the things which I want to with or without company!! Some of the things which I want to do are like horse riding, archery, diving or snorkeling, salsa dancing, golf, learn piano again, play tennis and yoga! Though these are some of the things which I think I would need company but if the chance come up again, I would pounce on the opportunity without hesitation!! Promise myself this!!

There are still many years ahead of me ( hope so, since my friends finished all the noodles during lunch today, ha!!) and I hope that I would be able to learn all these things as years go by!! Keeping my fingers crossed!!!

][ The best and most wanted birthday present would be YOU (Watt)! Could YOU come back and fulfill my birthday wish?? ][
][ Hate myself for loving YOU when YOU simply don't even care][

+=::- The Beginning of Another Journey -::=+

2005-06-04T05:24:00.000+01:00

My 21st birthday is 11 days away (14th of June. Tuesday). So technically, I can behave like a child for only another 11 days! Have lots of hopes and fears about turning 21! Fears include getting old, having to face the harsh reality of life but for this post, I will talk about my hopes rather than my fears. I mean, being 21 is supposed to be a happy occasion since it symbolises one's maturity and for one to be taken seriously. I will classify my hopes for the future in several categories.

The first category will be hopes on the possession of some material wants ( This category is written for the sake of people who are going to buy me presents! hehehehehehehe.... Some of my friends have been asking for my wishlist so here it is! haha...)

Material wants:
1) Basket Bag ( actually saw a girl carrying it the other day so went forward to ask her where she got it from, she told me she got it from Melaka!!!! so good luck to those who want to get this for my birthday)
2) Slightly orange yellow Sling Bag from Far East Plaza ( It's for university purposes, hehe)
3) Film tickets to watch 'Mr and Mrs Smith', 'War of the Worlds', ' Cursed' and any Korean or horror films. (Of course, there must be at least a pair of tickets, I can't possibly go on my own, right? Another thing is that film tickets can't be a FULL present, it is sth like an additional present, ok?
4) Bouqent of flowers of either lilies or roses. ( These are my favourite! I actually received a really large bouqent from my friend in UK, waist height!! hehe..)
5) MP3 player. ( I kinda need it in UK, hehe..)
6) A personalised downloaded sad love songs just for me!!
7) Bench Jacket
8) Loads of notebooks because I need them to write drafts for my blog and on some random things.
Anyway, I love surprises so don't have to be too worried if u want to get a present for me which is not in the list!! I would more than happy to receive gifts that I am not expecting for!! Thanks!

The second category is on hopes for the future.

Hopes for future:
1) Able to get an interview with the social care organisation in UK called 'Turning Point' and then get a job with them where I would work for 2 years under them ( Have sent in my application so now all I can do is to keep my fingers crossed!)
2) Get a Ph.D for clinical psychology in a prestigious University in UK.
3) fulfill my ambition of being a practising psychiatrist.
4) Able to earn at least 4500 pounds per month.
5) Able to find a Boyfriend who fulfils my 'package criteria', a person who is a professional in a certain kind of job. Get married and lead a blissful and secure life! (Happily ever after!!)
6) Work in the UK for several years.
7) Find new, close and understanding friends ( really disappointed in a few of my friends)

The third category is on the places which I want to visit and work in though some of them could be a bit impossible to achieve.

Places which I hope to visit and work in:
1) Would love to visit Egypt, want to see the amazing pyramids and mummies
2) Vietnam because it is rich in culture.
3) The Maldives ( heard it is a human paradise there! would love to go there and relax!)
4) Rome and Greece, want to go to Rome because of the magnificent churches and Greece because it is quite near to Rome so I don't really mind going there to learn about their culture)
5) Paris, so I could look at the Eiffel Tower and of course shopping!
6) Bali and Hawaii, would love to relax at the beaches!
7) China. Being a Chinese, I am quite ashamed for not visiting China and get to know more about my roots.
8) Visit Taiwan.
9) Hope to be able to work in these countries ----Hong Kong, United Kingdom, Taiwan, Korea, Japan. Probably working in Japan and Korea would be a bit difficult since there is a language barrier.

The last category is on my hopes for certain things to happen but inside I know that they are unachievable.

Desperate Hopes but would never come true ( I wouldn't do some of the things either):
1) Be famous. ( Not due to acting or singing but because of my intellect ( if I have any!!))
2) Receive a bouqent of flowers from the person who broke my heart over and over again.
3) The person who I want to be with so badly would return and change his mind and embrace me with all his heart. ( Watt Lucipher!)
4) Meet Won Bin ( The drop-dead gorgeous Korean actor and then he would love me!! ha!)
5) Be a journalist for a newspaper or magazine.
6) Write a book and get it published which would be one of the best-sellers! hehe.
7) Be a newscaster, reporting the news in an established company on television.
8) Be a well-known model
9) Take part in "Miss Singapore Universe" pageant and moving on to Miss Universe pageant.

These are my hopes for the future. Turning 21 is a step into another journey of life and I hope that everything would run smoothly (at least compared to before) In the future!

Anyway, will be having a birthday gathering on the 12th June (Sunday) at my place, the theme for this gathering is that everyone must wear a hat! SMS me for the details!! See ya then!!

][ I can't be happy without you! So please don't disappear from my life!!!][

"- Intervention of the Natural Balance-"

2005-05-28T06:09:00.000+01:00

This post is rather related to my previous post 'Age of Confusion'. The contents of this post are still revolving on the consumption of food but this post is more focused on a specific kind of behaviour. Before I go any further, I must remind everyone who is reading this post that what I am going to write are merely my personal views (everyone is entitled to their own opinions, isn't it?). I am not trying to pick a fight or accuse anyone of doing the wrong thing. My personal views!!!!

Many people have classified eating as a kind of pleasure. A friend of mine has always said that eating is an activity where one should be able to enjoy. Whenever I eat with him, I do not have to worry about being judged when I was unable to finish my food. He is always telling me not to force myself to finish a plate of food if I was unable to. So, whenever I am with him, I do not have to worry about feeling guilty that I am to complete eating my portion of share.

Eating is not just for pleasure, it is also for survival. It is known by everyone that one's body requires many different minerals and vitamins to ensure one's body to function properly. Hence, people would have to eat a wide range of food to make sure that different types of minerals and vitamins are absorbed into a person's body. Consumption of different kinds of tasty food is of course the best way to obtain the nutrients that are necessary for the body but as the world progresses and as medical arena improves, many supplements have been invented. Thus, people today have the chance and ability to be what they call themselves 'Vegetarians'.

From what I know, there are two types of 'vegans'. One of them is where they do not eat any red meat but would consume white meat like fish ( I have no idea why they could call themselves 'VEGEtarians'.) Another type which I consider to be 'real vegetarians' are those who only eat vegetables and fruits and do not take any meat at all which means that they do not take both RED or WHITE meat, some of them go to the extent that they do not even take eggs. Vegetarians have now chosen to take supplements like 'iron' or 'calcium' pills so as to make up for their 'zero' or 'minimal' intake of such minerals.

People who have chosen to be vegetarians have given reasons like they do not wish to take in toxic food ( I always emphasise quality of life , what is wrong with tasty meat???? We only live once!!), others think that it is cruel to kill cute, innocent animals and eat them, hence they choose to sacrifice their desires and taste buds. I do admire their noble behaviour and principle with all my heart. Nevertheless, I still do not agree with the idea of just eating vegetables. I shall state my reasons to back up MY BELIEF!

First of all, with regards to the first reason that people have given about not wanting to take in toxic food (probably because they do not wish to die early.), I think my previous post has explained why I do not support such behaviour because I believe in quality of life and I do not see any reason for anyone to deprive themselves from tasty food, it would be a great put not to eat or try the good food, we only live once and so we should make good use of this life to enjoy to the fullest the things that we have and that includes the consumption of tasty food. Secondly, this is what I think is the most important one. I believe everyone knows what a food chain is. I remember learning this in science when I was in primary three. A food chain is where an animal eats another and at the same time would also be eaten by another bigger and more powerful animal. This in a way represents the circle of life where all the animals get a chance to be both the predator as well as a prey. Human beings just happen to be at the highest of the hierarchy in the food pyramid due to the possession of one of the most powerful weapons ---- guns. The world requires the consumption of different animals so as to keep its balance making it a conducive place for every living thing to live in. Imagine a world without the consumption of , let's say, chickens. There will come a time where there will be an over-population of chickens which would take up a lot of place and at that time, unfair slaying of these chickens would come about but this killing would be worse as this massacre is meaningless and would result in the overloading of carcasses. These chickens will then be slained without fulfilling any significant purposes. I do not even dare to imagine a world with only herbivores. It would definitely cause loads of problems and be a dull place to live in.

I really do not have prejudices against vegetarians. I, myself love vegetables but I am an ominvore who loves both meat and vegetables. I am aware that many turn into vegetarians for religious purposes. I have little to say about this as religion is a sensitive issue and I do not wish to write another essay for this post talking about religion (probably in my future posts!) Balance is what I would advise, at least this is what I think.

Just to clear something up for my previous post 'Age of Confusion', I want to have quality of life and if this quality only comes about when one abstain from certain food due to prevention of causing any pain like headaches and stomachaches, I think this should be carried out without hesitation. To achieve quality of life is to lead a carefree, enjoyable and full life!

][As I was going up the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there.
H wasn't there again today ;
I wish that man would go away -----Anon][

][ With you in my life, my sky is full of shimmering stars, I am willing to be the angel you love in your fairytale, spread my arms which would turn into wings to protect you, you must believe that we will be like a fairytale, blissful and happy as an ending!--- Taken from a Chinese (Mandarin) song, Tong Hua (Fairytale) by a Taiwanese singer, Guang Liang][

~Age of Confusion~

2005-05-23T04:58:00.000+01:00

With the advance of technology, increase awareness of the importance of good health and introduction of different health supplements to people in this era, people's lives have improved tremendously. Perhaps it is due to such immense attention focused on this area that people in the world today have changed their way of living.

People in different parts of the world are obsessed with living fruitfully where they are able to enjoy to their fullest in all aspects of life and would try all sorts of different methods to prolong their lives so as to be able to have more time to see and do many different things. During their prime and younger years, people have tried to abstain from oily and unhealthy food, believing in the fact that consuming such foods would cause many different illnesses. People would eat plain, tasteless food and exercise constantly so as to keep a healthy lifestyle and thus able to lead an illness-free life as the older life which will also possess the possibility of a longer life. As people grow older, they would start looking for different remedies that may in any way let them live longer or substain any pain or illness they may possess at that age. In the past, Emperors of China have employed many highly skilled and respected masters to invent a pill of longevity where the pill could allow a mortal to live forever. In the present life, people are in one way or another behaving in a similar manner as emperors in the past where they would eat certain food which is believed to be good for one's health and able to avoid any illnesses which could cause one to suffer or result in deaths.

In my opinion, people today are confused with what is meant to be alive. To me, the quality of life is more important than the quantity. Many people believe as living as long they can is the better than anything else. I always think that living a short but fruitful and fulfilling life is better than living a long yet boring life. I wonder whether those people who want to live a long life ever consider the fact that they would be too weak to function properly and normally that they have to rely on others to care for them which is a burden to other. Even if they were to be able to grant a life that lasts for an eternity, living a life without the presence of loved ones would be so meaningless.

In many occasions, parents are willing to give birth to a child with defects even after knowing from scans that their unborn child possess certain defects which may affect the future upgrowing of a child and may need to rely on others to care for him or her. Many of them justify their actions by giving reasons like they do not wish to terminate an innocent life and that he or she have the right to live. I do agree that every life is precious and should not be discarded but i think i believe in having a life with quality more. Thus, i would never ever consider having a child who has defects of any kind. I do not wish my child to suffer or be ridiculed in any way. I must be confident that i am able to provide the child with a a comfortable and fulfilling life before i even consider giving birth ( probably a bit early to be thinking of this! ha!).

Quality of life is so much more important than quantity of life and should not be confused in any way but it is a norm for people to choose a longer life forgetting to consider that quality is just as important.

][ There is a thin line between love and hate, please do not go to the extent where you have crossed this thin line walking into the hate sector in my heart][

~::The Scales of Equilibrium::~

2005-05-14T00:34:00.000+01:00

In my opinion, to live life fruitfully, one's life has to be balance in all aspects. When it comes to one's thoughts and feelings, I believe that a person should go through all different types of emotions in order to feel alive. A person should be able to feel happy, sad, angry, frightened, pain and able to laugh at certain things or people when they think that it is funny.

I have always tried to experience different types of feelings once in a while because I believe this is how I could make myself feel alive. The meaning of life is to be able to go through different types of emotions and learn the significance of each unique emotion. In order to go through a kind of emotion, I try to achieve it through different means. When it comes to feeling frightened or to laugh at certain people or incidents, I would choose to go for horror films or comedies. Many people around me have asked several times why I love going for horror films when many try their best to avoid watching them so as not to frightened themselves unnecessarily. I think after reading what I have written, I have more or less explained the reason to this question. Another reason to why I choose to watch horror films whenever they are available is not because I really LOVE watching them but I want to learn from these films and let myself be prepared if I ever find myself in a similar situation. I think in our everyday life, there are less opportunities for us to find ourselves in a frightening situation and I think it is through films that we are able to experience the frightful feeling that we possess.

Comedies, on the other hand, are able to allow us to escape from reality, it could help us to feel relaxed and laugh about things in the midst of the taxing life that we lead in reality. 'Laughter is the Best Medicine' is definitely not an understatement and I think humour is a kind of quality that we will never get enough of.

For one to feel sad, listening to sad music, watching heart wrecking films and going through some everyday experiences are enough to experience this emotion. On many occasions, a lot of attention has been placed on depression, sadness and negative feelings. In psychology, it is believed that negative feelings and experiences may be more urgent and therefore may override positive ones. This point of view is related to the evolutionary perspective. Negative emotions often reflect immediate problems or objective dangers and hence immediate actions are necessary. Psychologists believe that people are blinded to the survival value of positive emotions precisely because they are so important. Like the fish which is unaware of the water in which it swims, people take for granted a certain amount of hope, love and enjoyment because these are the very conditions that allow them to go on living. These are fundamental conditions to existence and probably this is why focus are placed to the conditions which may jeopardise a person from surviving. I think many people would find that being happy is something which is hard to achieve because people are hard to please creatures and to be able to feel happiness, people may place higher expectations.

I remember that I fell down the stairs at home once resulting in carpet burns on my wrist. After I saw my wound, I realised that it has been a while since I fell or cut myself or had a wound. This may make me sound a bit mental but at that moment, the wound on my wrist actually made me feel alive. It made me realised that I was still living coz I was able to feel pain and I felt good not because I want to deliberately hurt myself but the pain that I felt allowed me to feel that I am human and was able to feel myself!

I think all along I have been trying to create a balance in my life as much as I can unconsciously. I realise that I like a contrast in my life. When it comes to my hair, I don't like it too long, neither do I like too short. I like to keep my hair to a certain length where others are unable to give a definite answer to whether my hair is long or short. When it comes to colours, I tend to choose grey (if available), because this colour is in between black and white.

I think I don't like things which are situated at one end of a spectrum. I choose things which are in the middle and this is exactly how I would want my personality, my choices to be! I want to be exposed to many different kinds of situations and feelings so as to desensitise myself and make myself a stronger person. I don't want to live in a fake fairy tale world and be sheltered from all the evil and ugliness of the world when they do actually exist!

To remember is to live--- Martin Buber

][ If every dream I have is of you, I would want to sleep forever!][
][ I will wait for you for as long as my heart tells me to! Will wait till my life fails me! Will wait for you to change your mind and come to me! Will wait...... for as long as it takes!][

+..Ripples Effect..+

2005-05-07T20:06:00.000+01:00

It is quite amazing how just a tiny drop of anything would result in ripples in a large pond or lake of water. The ripples would first be really intense and slowly fade as the ripples move further away. I compare this ripple effect to a person's mind. It is well known that one's mind works well when mind maps are formed when thinking of certain individual events or when studying. A person's feelings and thinking could also be said to be going through the 'Ripples Effect' when a certain incident that took place has caused and triggered another feelings or thoughts. For the past few months, i think i have been experiencing this ' Ripple Effect '.

For the whole of 2004, my whole life and mind was fixated at one particular person, at one particular time zone and at one type of emotion-- sadness and disppointment. Though, that 'drop of water' has caused a ripple but that is not something i want and the ripples have stopped right after. It seemed that there was no room for more 'ripples' to take effect in my life. That ' drop of water' on my heart of blood had caused one ripple but it seemed to haved stopped. To describe it accurately, i should say that after that 'drop of water' had fallen into my heart of blood and the appearance of one single ripple, the process for more ripples to appear has switched to a 'slow motion' mode. It has taken one whole year for further ripples to be seen and felt by me.

All of a sudden, i have thoughts of wanting some new and exciting things to happen. I want to experience all the different and thrilling stages of love again. I want to be loved and i want to be able to get a cuddle whenever i have a craving for it. Whenever i watch films with couples saying sweet and touching words to each other, i can't help feeling a sense of serenity. I yearn for such things to happen to me. I keep thinking ' why on earth don't i get such treatment from someone special??'. I keep telling myself that this is the sort of things that i deserve and should recieve from a sweet and kind man. I don't have to be stuck with some stupid person who takes me for granted, who treats me like i am nobody. I don't want to be NOBODY, i want to be someone special to a person i care about and i want to be able to get back what i have given.

I am not sure whether such thoughts are good or bad. On one hand, i think i am glad that i am able to feel this way because i haven't been feeling that i want changes for the past year and i think for me feeling this way implies that i am able to walk away slowly from the ' valley of death and misery ', it seems that the mechanism inside me is ready to move on and search for someone else so as to be able to live fruitfully but sometimes i feel really worried that i am never going to find anyone again. I am afraid that i will never be able to find anyone who i would love this much and all my feelings has been drained on this one person and i am unable to give anymore. I want to be with someone who i know is just right for me, i want to live without regrets after i have made a choice and i want to feel that i am the luckiest person in the whole wide world when i am with that ' someone'. I have little confidence that i will be able to meet someone who is kind, thoughtful and sweet to me because most of the time my heart rules my mind and not logic and reason.

I always tell people that i want someone who has the whole package. I want a person who has good looks ( well, don't really have to be gorgeous), a wonderful personality, loves me with his whole heart, kind, thoughtful. successful and able to form good relationships with different people. I wonder if such a person do exist and whether i will be able to meet him. In the midst of my heartbreak, i found someone who i thought has part of the package that i yearn for. This special someone is from my course in university. To me, i think he is just drop-dead gorgeous though it is debatable for certain people. He is tall, fit and has dark hair. I thought he was the perfect person for me if we could be together. However, the progress with him is as slow as a tortoise and i have a sense of hopelessness in me that nothing more will ever happen. He can be said to be a passive, laid-back, typical ' I don't care' kind of guy. I want someone who is not that passive and this had brought me to a conclusion that probably he doesn't feel the same way as i do. Once again, i am brought back to the state of anxiety that i had before. My perception of a ' near package' guy has disappointed me!! Am i suppose to just resign to failure and leave the game of love once and for all?

I guess i should just sit back and wait for others to come to me rather than being the active one. I should try taking up a passive role instead. I am in a dilemma to whether i should fight for what i want or be someone who will just give up once the other party shows any signs of being passive. I am torn between these two options and have no idea which principle i should adopt. Will just have to wait for the 'Ripples Effect' to take charge and guide my thoughts and principles.

[]How could someone once so sweet and lovely turn into a person who is so evil and heartless?[]

...::Beauty or Brains::...

2005-04-27T16:50:00.000+01:00

The topic of 'Beauty or Brains' has been really popular during my college days. I have seen this question appearing many times as one of the 12 questions during my exam. I am always tempted to write an essay on such topics but have always been told by my teacher that students should steer clear of such topics unless he or she is a mature writer and have a good command of English. Hence, the want of getting a good mark and the ' better safe than sorry' feeling that i had, inhibited any urge or impulsion to attempt it. In the first year of college, i always picked social questions like marriage and examinations, i thought these are the kind of questions that i would do for my actual A- levels but in the end i chose a question concerning religion and some science topics like eugenics, stem cell research and euthanasia because these are the questions that could actually be studied and i had all the reading material ( which i had read for days before the exam) and so i chose a question which i do not enjoy doing but know that it will secure a good mark. Now, i can choose this topic 'Beauty or Brains' and write anything i want, not having to worry about adhering to the standard methods of producing a good essay or give any relevant examples to support the points that i put forward! Great!!!

When i look at this topic, i immediately interpret it as whether one wants to be born with beauty or brains. I do not look at it as " Would you choose a friend or partner who has brains or beauty" kind of way. I see it as more a personal kind of question and this is probably why i should not write an essay on this as i am too narrow minded and one of the requirements for a good essay is to stay as open minded as possible.

The cliched answer to the question of whether one will want to be born with beauty or brains would be " Oh i want to be born with brains of course because beauty will fade away when someone grows old, it is not everlasting while having brains means that someone is smart and this is something which would remain for as long as a person would live! Brains are definitely better than beauty as a beauty is only skin deep." In my opinion, i think i will want to be born with beauty. Many of you may think that i am a superficial person who wants to be born with beauty, an external quality, than brains, a quality that is able to stay for a lifetime. The reason to why i chose beauty instead of brains is, first- i do not wish to give a boring and cliched answer and second- i have reasons in saying so and i am entitled to my own opinion.

I choose beauty because i think that people are either born with it or they are not. Beauty is an 'either, or' phenomenon, a person can either possess beauty or not possess it at all. This possession depends greatly on whether a person is born with it or not and is not achievable through hard work. Then again, a person could go through plastic sugery since the technology in the 21st century is so advanced but what i am driving at is NATURAL beauty. On the other hand, i do not believe that a person could be born with brains. I believe that everyone has the mechanism to be smart and clever which means that everyone has the capablity of becoming a genius. The environment and society plays a great role in shaping a person's intelligence. I do not think that a person is born clever. In psychology, we refer to a person as a blank slate where no information is embedded in a human being when they were first born. It is through studying, reading, hard work as well as experience that a person attains knowledge.

The society defines a person as intelligent when he or she has a vast general knowledge and able to handle education well. The mere notion of people born with brains means that intelligence of everyone is fixed. Intelligence testings come about due to this belief and the degrees of intelligece that a person is assessed by psychologists as the society wants to know how 'clever' people are. Such testings have caused Jews, black people and people from minority groups to be oppressed, unfairly discriminated and be labelled as feeble minded when they had low IQ score. These testings have also caused an unhealthy enthusiasm for eugenics among people of mental testing. Many a times, the unfamiliarity of the English language among the people which the tests are formatted have been neglected. Intelligence is not fixed and a person's intelligence is changeable and achieved through other methods instead of being born with it.

Having beauty could give a person confidence and a higher self esteem and though many have said that beauty is not an important criteria in a person' s life, i still think beauty do more or less hold a certain amount of importance in people's life especially during encounters of 'first impression'. If i could choose, i would want to be born with beauty and then will work extremely hard during the years in the world to achieve intelligence and attain knowledge.

( Sorry to be going on and on about psychology but this is my exam period and information that i had studied for my exam are still fresh in my mind so can't help wrting on things that are revelant to psychology!)

][ So much danger involved in focusing on what isn't there. I realised that i have been spending everyday watching for a man that would never change, never be kind to me and NEVER come to me!][

:..+ Unity Arranged by Heaven+..:

2005-04-19T21:14:00.000+01:00

The world is always balance where there are things like ' Young-Old', 'Dark-Bright', ' Life-Death'! When one get something from one end of the spectrum, you will always get something from another end to complement it or to balance it! Therefore, this view has brought me to the belief that there is a special someone out there for each and everyone of us. When a person who is born female, the special someone would be a male as they are from the ends of a spectrum. This will ensure a balance between males and females and each of them are suited to only one special other. However, 'True love never runs smooth', the divine force made a decision to put these two specially made people as far from each other as possible and the person's duty into the world is to search for that special someone to complete him or her. The person who has found The One would have fulfilled the purpose of life.

This is of course my theory for the purpose of life coz i am searching for the meaning and purpose of life and i have no idea why human beings are born into this world. There is a reason behind everything and in my opinion, this is the reason to why human beings have come to earth, to search for the other half to complete them. This is probably why we have legs, nose, eyes, ears, arms and feelings. We have legs because we have to use them to walk miles and miles in search of the other half, we have a nose because that is what keeps alive while searching by breathing, we have eyes so that we would be able to see that special someone and pick them out of thousands of others, we have ears because we could hear the other half speak and listen to his or her voice, we have arms because once we have seen that special person, we could open our arms up and give him or her a tight and warm hug and we have feelings because we are able to love and care for our other half. However, people today are too caught up with different things that this 'purpose' has been lost and forgotten and probably to a lot of people, this purpose was never discovered. The function of our legs, nose, eyes, ears, arms are for other purposes now. But then again, my theory could be wrong too, this is after all a made of theory of my own to answer the queries i have of life.

A unity has already been made when one is born and now, since human beings' purpose has changed drastically, being able to find the other half is very lucky. Marriage is the unity that people on earth make. People today most proabably get married with someone who may or may not be The One and marriages with someone are still successful. It seems that the divine force have chosen to forego the purpose that HE/SHE has given to human beings probably due to human beings progressing so quickly that the once mundane and simple purpose given has lost its value for human beings to survive. Marriage is not just a plain piece of paper as many have described it. It is the celebration of two special people who have chosen to spend the rest of their lives together. The significant of marriage is more than just a piece of paper. People should never underestimate marriage and should treat it with respect.

I will always believe that there is one special person out there who is able to complete me and now because the purpose of human beings has been 'discarded', i shall sit back and let fate bring me to this special someone!

][ You are like a drug, a demon i cannot defeat. It seems like i cannot see anything else or anyone else but YOU!][

* The Curse of the Number 3 *

2005-04-13T16:20:00.000+01:00

The number '3' is really a curse! It is a number that I hate and will hate with my whole heart now and in the future! I am not being unreasonable for picking on this number instead of another one from the whole list of infinite numbers which exist. Let me justify my hatred by giving a whole lot of problems that the number '3' causes!

It is known to everyone in the universe that when it comes to relationships, having THREE (3) people in it will bring nothing but trouble. There is actually a special name to this sort of love situation with three people involved and it is known as the 'love triangle'! Look at the 'honour' that this number get, a special name given just to describe three people in a relationship (though this title is not a favourable one.) I don't see names given to describe a relationship with four or five people involved in it (mind you, a relationship where four or five people are involved in do exist thought it is uncommon) and that is because the most common but hated situation that one can get involved in is a love triangle which means the most common unwanted relationship a person could find him or herself in is with two other people, adding up to a total of three people isn't it? People get affairs after marriage or during a relationship and often THREE people are entangled in such a menacing situation. When this happens, more often than not, all THREE people get hurt or troubled by it. Most of the time, one person in this love triangle ( remember there are three sides to a triangle!) would have to sacrifice his or her own feelings, wants and desires in order to make things right again or fulfill the other two people. Such a sacrifice is caused by the number THREE (3) and there really is no need to put one person in a hell hole if the number THREE never exist, neither would people have to suffer in relationships caused by affairs or infidelity.

When it comes to waiting for something to happen like waiting for a letter from a university or from a job. If one is aware that this particular letter will be arriving on a certain day, one would only allow hopes to continue being high on the second day but once the third day comes, he or she would somehow start to prepare mentally that the letter would probably not be arriving at all implying that he or she has failed to secure a place at that university or job. The same goes for one who is waiting for someone to text back. After a person has text someone asking for something or merely wanting to start a conversation, once the other party fails to reply after the third hour or the third day, once again, it implies that the other party probably would not text back at all and this only brings sadness and disappointment for the person who had initiated the text! Here again, the number THREE has cause someone to lose hope and sink into a miserable state.

In the light of friendships, a group of three people is just not advisable! THREE is an odd number and a member of a group of THREE will bound to feel left out, lonely during certain times. Speaking from experience, I have felt left out so many times in a group of THREE friends and so most of the time, I will just keep really quiet, not knowing what to say to the certain topics that only the two of them know about. ME being quiet is a really rare thing! I will stop talking in only a few occasions like when I am sleeping or eating or when I am tired or when I am not that close with that person or when I feel that there is a barrier between me and the other party. These are the few occasions which I will just keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I rather go out in groups or in pairs with friends, that way I wouldn't feel left out and at the same time, I feel more secure of myself. The feeling of insecurity when I am in a group of THREE has been haunting me for quite a while now. The feeling was initially insecure followed by disappointment ( disappointed cos I have overestimated previous closeness and tremendous of time spent on nurturing that friendship! All that has proven to mean nothing now that less time has been spent on it) then hopelessness and finally I have come to a point that I can't be bothered with it anymore! Can't be bothered to try to make things better or improve on the situation by being more involved in the lives of the two friends. All these probably wouldn't have happened if the group was not made up of THREE (3) people.

In the family with THREE children, the middle child will suffer from the 'middle child syndrome' cos of not being able to get enough attention or love from parents. And again, when it comes to competitions, being crowned third or having the title the 'second runner up' actually implies that you are basically shit! Being first is everyone's dream, being second is just right behind first so that is a consolation but being one behind the second and two behind the first???? That is just an insult and humiliation for a person. One will never get anything or get noticed by being third!

The mere existence of the number THREE just bring unnecessary troubles to the lives of many and especially to me. I have experienced the evil that this number spreads in friendships and relationships and I am still stuck in this evil for these two factors. How sad that relationships and friendships would deteriorate when insufficient time is spent on it.

][Lonely, I am so lonely
I am Miss Lonely
I have nobody to call my own.][

taken from the song 'Lonely' by Akon--- thanks to Yappy's recommendation to this song!

][ To HIM--- Missing you like crazy! Dun want anyone else except you and only YOU!

..::Waiting For You::.. (Chapter 5)

2005-04-06T06:37:00.000+01:00

The constant ringing woke Dr Brown from her deep sleep. She looked at the clock at the side of her bed, it was 4am in the morning!! Her initial thought of her alarm clock ringing vanished upon seeing the time, she remembered clearly that she had set her alarm to go off at 8 in the morning. Looking around and after a few minutes of wondering where the sound was coming from, Dr Brown instinctively picked up the phone from her side table. With a hoarse and a sleepy voice, she said a faint 'hello' but was immediately contrasted by a clear but panic-stricken voice at the other end of the line. It took Dr Brown a few seconds to recognise that it was Anirak on the phone.

" Dr Brown, someone is trying to mess my life up! Someone has changed the cards that Alex sent me and imitated my handwriting. The handwriting in my cards though look similar to mine but I am certain I was not the one who wrote them!! I think I know who this person is, I am sure it is Watt's wife! She doesn't want me to be happy, she is jealous of me, she wants me to think that I am crazy but I am not! I am not!!!" Anirak started to shout.

" Anirak, slow down! What is going on? What are u talking about? I know u are not crazy, why don't u come into my office first thing in the morning and we will talk about then... " Dr Brown was interrupted by an engaged tone even before she had finished her sentence. Anirak had hung up on her.

Meanwhile, at the Wehttam's residence, Anirak felt helpless, she felt that she had no one to turn to. No one believed her and she knew that no one would believe that Watt's wife was the mastermind. She sat in the corner of her room and started crying bitterly. It has been a long time since she had cried her heart out. In between, she tried ringing Alex over and over again but each time it was to no avail. It seemed that Anirak's only hope had disappeared and was no where to be found.

Dr Brown walked into Anirak's room with Mrs Wehttam, both of them held worried looks on their faces when they saw the state Anirak had been degraded to. Her room was in a mess, covered with the gifts and cards that Alex had sent to her. Upon seeing Dr Brown, Anirak jumped up instantly and started rambling in tears.

" I can't locate Alex at all, I have looked through the things that he had sent me. Please believe me, it is not my handwriting, Watt's wife changed them secretly, I don't know how but she must have crept into my house and did it! " Anirak shouted hysterically in tears while holding out the cards out for Dr Brown to see.

Dr Brown tried to calm Anirak down. She took over the cards and looked at the contents. It was without question that it was indeed Anirak's handwriting. The style of writing was also the same as Anirak's but looking at Anirak's face, Dr Brown was unable to bring herself to tell Anirak that.

" Do u believe me? I am telling u I am not making Alex up. He exists, he is the one who brought me comfort when Watt let me down! He is the one who gave me hope to carry on living but I can't seem to find him anymore, he has deserted me juz like Watt. " Anirak ended her sentence quietly.

Right at that moment, Anirak started having an acute pain on her head. Visions of her going out alone when she thought she was with Alex bombarded her. Alex's face seemed blurred in her mind and her head ached even more when she tried to recall his face. As Anirak fell flat to the floor, flashbacks of the time when Alex bandaged her badly scratched arms floated back. She found herself sitting on the bench alone, talking alone followed by the weird looks that the passerbys gave, there were no bandages at all which explained why she returned home without them on her arms. She now know why those passerbys gave her the strange faces. Scenes of her watching the film " The mummy" alone, walking on the streets alone, making chocolate toast and ribena drink by herself and alone, writing the cards for herself flooded her mind. Anirak closed her eyes as she lay on the floor and with anxious voices surrounding her. She did not want to believe the truth she had just discovered. Alex was indeed an imaginary figure of hers, there was no Alex right from the start.

The pain in Anirak's head stopped right at the point when she realised the truth. She sat up and though she kept hearing the questions that Dr Brown and her mother were asking, she made no effort to answer them, instead she pushed them out of her room and locked herself in. She could not believe the truth and she was not intending to bring herself to believe in it. It was at that moment of not wanting to believe in the truth that Anirak realised the power that her mind possessed. She decided to attempt something difficult but she knew it was possible to achieve.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two years later

" Hey Watt, what do u think of this dress? I just bought it and it is in blue coz it is you favourite colour. Do u like it? I intend to put this on the next time u bring me out for dinner." Anirak said happily to the blank space in front of her.

" Who are u talking to, Anirak?" Mrs Wehttam shouted from the dining room.

" No one!!! I am juz trying on the dress which I juz bought!" Anirak shouted back.

Quickly, Anirak sat down on her bed and whispered quietly.

" Sorry I had to say no one, they can't see you, Watt, only I can. I don't know why too but I am so glad u came back to my life!" Anirak smiled softly, still talking to the space in front of her.

With a contented and genuinely happy look on Anirak's face, she started talking about her day to her beloved ' Watt Lucipher'.

(The power of a person's mind is undeniably immense!)

~The End!~

The story is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of my imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is purely coincidental.

+..::K[j]A[I]R[n]I[g]N[y]A[a]::..+

( End of story! Thanks for reading)

][ I want you more than anything.
I remembered my last thought at night was of you
And my first thought in the morning was still of you.
I know u are with another.
I wish you good luck
And I wish I were her!][

edited from Tupac Shakur's poem.

To the girl from tw, thanks a lot for ur encouragement! You can email me if u want. Hope u will continue reading my blog and drop a few golden words with regards to some of my posts in future! I have always been listening to Jay Chou's songs ( a taiwanese singer, I am sure u know him too). His lyrics are really meaningful and relates to how I feel! Try listening to his songs if u get a chance! Take care!

..::Waiting For You::.. (Chapter 4)

2005-03-24T01:27:00.000Z

Anirak sat down on her bed, hoping that the pain on her head would go away but the pain juz got worse and worse and finally, Anirak could see nothing else but darkness. The next moment Anirak found herself waking up from her bed. Worried faces of Jena and her mum surrounded her, with a puzzled look, Anirak questioned what had happened before. Anirak realized that she had passed out from the pain in her head.

"Do you want to see Dr Brown, Anirak? I am really worried about you, you have been having those headaches for really long time. I think you should really seek consultation from Dr Brown," Mrs Wehttam said worriedly.

Though Anirak knew that the best and wise thing to do was to pay Dr Brown a visit but she did not want anyone to find out that she had thrown away the pills that Dr Brown had prescribed to her. At the same time, she felt that her headaches were not that serious and felt visiting a doctor was not necessary.

However, this headache attack resulted in something strange. After the 'headache' incident, Anirak had trouble contacting Alex. The number that Anirak had in her mobile was not available and soon that she found that the number did not even exist. Anirak started to panic and thought her relationship with Alex would turn out to be as dreadful as her relationship with Watt's. Hence, desperate measures resulted in desperate means. Anirak decided to visit Alex in the advertising company that he worked in. To Anirak's horror, the receptionist at the advertising company told Anirak that no such person worked there.

Sorrow filled Anirak, while she walked home in anxiety. She started to cry every night, the feeling that she had now was exactly the same as the time when Watt had left her. Alex had not contacted her for one and a half month. Once again, Anirak was left helpless. She had nothing to look forward to in this world and the feeling of wanting to die flooded her thoughts once again.

Anirak tried ways and means to fill her emptiness and misery. With Jena, she took out the things that Alex had given her before. She told Jena the story behind each gift while tears welled up in her eyes. Finally, she took out all the cards that Alex had written to her.

With a perplexing voice, Jena asked," These were the exact same cards that you have bought each time we went out together."

" Look at the handwriting, they belong to you, don't they?" Jena said slowly.

Anirak took over the cards and for the first time,she saw something which she had never noticed before. Anirak felt that the handwriting look extremely familiar, so familiar that she discovered that the handwriting was actually her own.

That night, Anirak could not fall asleep. She had no idea what was going on. She tossed and turned and finally she could only come up with one answer. Panic and fear struck her and with trembling hands, she picked up the phone trying to dial the number as fast as she could.

The story is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of my imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is purely coincidental.

+..::K[j]A[i]R[n]I[g]N[y]A[a]::..+

(chapter 5 will be out soon! Stay tuned!)

][ The day u chose to leave me,
It rained constantly outside
In truth, I swore the rain to be
The tears in Cupid's eyes][

Taken from Tupac Shakur's poem-- The Tears in Cupid's Eyes

To the girl from tw, here's the song from natalie - going crazy.
Just click on the below link, hope you like it. Let me know once you have listened to it.
http://s22.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=2UVTRYTKSV75O23WCE36OLQG8Z

..::Waiting For You::.. (Chapter 3)

2005-03-13T22:40:00.000Z

Sitting in the waiting room at Dr Brown's clinic, Anirak was reminiscing the day she had met Alex and how he had rung her and text her for the past days. She had no idea how the bandages had fallen off from her arms and had jokingly teased Alex for his lousy first-aid skills. Anirak had felt much happier after knowing Alex. He had now become the one and only person in her life, although she would still think about Watt at times but the starting of a new relationship is always exciting and Anirak is enjoying every moment of it. She was going to meet Alex later in the afternoon for the first time after their brief but memorable meeting and she loved the feeling of having butterflies in her stomach while waiting to meet up with someone she had feelings for and that yearning will soon be neutralise later in the day with her spending the most lovely time ever with this special person. Anirak looked at Kelly, the receptionist behind the counter and with a contented smile, she looked down at her swinging legs and thought to herself that no matter how normal Kelly's life was, she was definitely not as lucky as her as Kelly did not have Alex in her life, neither would she be having a date with the most gorgeous guy. Kelly's life would probably be good but Anirak thought that the word 'good' was not enough to describe her own life now, she felt that she was over the moon.

" Dr Brown, I am really worried about Anirak, for the past few days, she seemed to be in a daze and is always smiling to herself, she came home few days ago with her arms all badly scratched again," Mrs Wehttam confided in Dr Brown.

All Dr Brown could do was to assure Mrs Wehttam that she would try her best to help Anirak but inside Dr Brown saw the challenge in Anirak's case. It seemed that no amount of talking could help her as Anirak was a very stubborn person and she had her own thinking which was quite hard for others to talk her out of something while claiming to have thought of every aspect and that her feelings were rational.

Inside the consultation room, Dr Brown was puzzled with Anirak's change of mood. She could see the radiance in Anirak's face. Anirak, on the hand, could not contain her excitment she had inside and thus started telling Dr Brown every single detail about Alex.

" I mean, i still think about Watt but the thoughts about him are no longer the same as before, he is juz like a past incident, a past which i look back at and feel relief for not having to go through the same ordeal again, " Anirak said.

" I really like Alex a lot and we have decided to spend more time with each other and see how things would go," Anirak continued.

All through the session, Dr Brown nodded along, she was glad that Anirak was happier and was intrigued by the immense power that Alex had on Anirak but she was relieved that Anirak was making progress.

" Remember to continue taking ur medication, although u are feeling better, i still think that those pills are necessary for u," Dr Brown reminded Anirak while showing her to the door.

Anirak looked at Dr Brown for a while before nodding and assuring her that she would continue with her medication before looking down with guilt while leaving the clinic. Though Anirak knew that it was wrong to lie to Dr Brown about her medication, she felt that it was not really important to take her medication since she now had Alex to look forward to each day.

That afternoon, Anirak spent the happiest day of her life with Alex. Alex was funny, smart and most importantly he cared about Anirak greatly. Alex seemed to be able to know what Anirak liked with regards to her favourite colour, her favourite food and her taste in clothes. Anirak felt as if she had found her other half and felt foolish to have wasted a year and a half mourning over the loss of Watt. Alex was everything that Anirak had ever hoped for and he was everything that Watt wasn't.

Within a few weeks, Anirak and Alex had become really close. Anirak discovered that Alex and Watt had many similar traits in them. The similarities were not major things but just small habits that Anirak had noticed from them. She saw how both of them loved reading the booklets in medicine boxes giving the same reason that they liked to know what kind of chemicals they were taking in. At times, Anirak cannot help thinking how the times spent with Alex were so similar with the times spent with Watt. Alex had suggested watching the film 'The Mummy' at his house one night, the exact same and only film that Anirak had watched with Watt before. That night, Alex had made Anirak chocolate spread toast with ribena after Anirak complained of hunger. These were the exact same things that Watt had done for Anirak before. Anirak had felt puzzled to all these things but she did not spend too much time thinking about it, though Alex had done things which were similar to Watt, at the same time, he is doing a lot of other things which Watt has never done before. Alex would send lovely cards to Anirak with neat handwriting written on it, something which Watt was incapable of doing and sometimes large bouquet of flowers were sent to her. He would also wait outside Anirak's house whenever he felt that he had upset her and apologise to Anirak saying that he would not be happy with her being upset. Alex would appear whenever Anirak needed him and this allowed her to feel extremely secure for Alex seemed to be able to there for her.

Anirak soon found the courage to go out with her friends again, she had lost all contact with some of friends after the break up with Watt. She had tried to push everyone out of life as she was too depressed to talk and meet up with her friends. Her best friend, Jena, was extremely happy that she could once again share the good times with Anirak. Anirak had been telling so much about Alex and Jena hoped that she could one day meet up with this perfect person for Anirak.

" Jena, i have to show u something really special, I went out with Alex yesterday and he bought me this really gorgeous dress, " Anirak said excitedly while taking out a white dress with small red roses on it.

" Isn't this the dress that u wanted to buy the other day? U have been eyeing on this dress for quite a while now," Jena asked.

" No, i have not seen this dress before until Alex gave it to me," Anirak corrected Jena. Right at this moment, Anirak had a sharp headache followed by blurred images in her head of herself being alone in a shop trying on the dress alone and paying it by herself. The flashbacks seemed to be flying in Anirak's head. Anirak couldn't quite make out what the blur images represent as all she could concentrate on was the sharp, acute pain on her head.

The story is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of my imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is purely coincidental.

+..::K[j]A[i]R[n]I[g]N[y]A[a]::..+

(chapter 4 will be out soon!)

][Ever since the day you went away
And left me lonely and cold
My life just hasn't been the same
Oh baby, no
When I looked into your eyes
The moment that i let u go, i just broke down.

Baby if i ever get the chance to be with you again,
I would sacrifice
Cuz the feeling that i feel within, no other man
Would ever make me feel so right
It's nice to smile when i get your phone call ( for me, it would be text) at night
But I rather have you here with me
Right next to me
And i miss the way you hold me tight.

I've got to let you know i feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that i could ever love a man so much
I've gotta let you know i think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world
For you, I'd do anything.

(chorus)
That's right, baby
I'm going crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it.
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you, baby
(x2)

Break it down, then i'll tell you what i feel
From the moment that i met you, it's been so damn real
My heart seems to skip another beat everytime we speak
Can't believe i feel so weak
Tell me that you really need me
And you want me
And you miss me
And you love me
I'm your lady
I'll be around waiting for you
Put it down, be the woman for you
I'm falling so deep for you
Crazy over you, i'm calling
Calling out to you
What am i gonna do?

It's true no fronting
It's you ain't no other
I can no longer go on without you
I just break down (down)

Back to stanza 3

Chorus (x2)

ooo, crazy (ooo)
Lately (000) x2
Lately][

A song by Natalie---- Going crazy, brings out everything i wanna say to HIM.

(To the girl from tw, i think this song will probably relate to you as well! Do take care!!)

..::Waiting For You::.. (Chapter 2)

2005-03-08T00:24:00.000Z

" Are u alright?" a soothing but worried voice spoke over Anirak's shoulders.

Anirak, taken aback by the unannounced company, turned around to see a tall and fit man with a horrified look spread across his face, peering over her shoulders. His eyes were fixated at her arms. The puzzled Anirak turned her attention back to her what the gentleman was looking at and to her astonishment, she realised that she had been scratching her already badly scratched arms and blood was dripping down her wounded arms. She had no idea how long she had been scratching herself and she had not felt the pain at all. She had been scratching her arms unconsciously and now that she was 'woken up' by the man standing behind her, the stinging pain on her arms slowly hit Anirak but for her, the pain of watching her very much loved Watt Lucipher with some other woman was more hurting than the physical pain. She was devastated with the sight. She turned around and cried in the arms of the strange and startled man.

Sitting on the bench in a park alone, Anirak was in a daze. The kind gentleman had offered to get some antispetic and bandage at a nearby store. As he came running back, Anirak managed a weak smile, trying her best not to scare him with her behaviour though she knew that she had already frightened him quite a bit.

" This may sting a bit, i am Alex Ryans by the way," the man introduced himself while pouring antispectic and bandaging her arms

" I am Anirak Wehttam, i am sorry if i frightened you just now, i dun know what had gotten into me. Thank you for doing this, you really dun have to, " Anirak said with embarrassment.

A few people walking past Anirak and Alex had a frown on their faces looking at them with a puzzled look. Anirak tried her best to ignore the look on those people's faces but she was quite bothered by what they were thinking. She must have looked like a fool but there was nothing she could do to rectify it. She was already a fool to have fallen in love with the heartless Watt.

" Do u want to talk about what happened? I saw u looking at the family standing quite a distance away while u were scratching your arms violently, u could talk to me abt it if u want to, i am a good listener, " Alex offered generously.

For a long time, Anirak hasn't been talking about Watt to her frens and family, it was only with Dr Brown that she could talk about him. She knew that Dr Brown could not complain about her continuous topics of Watt as he was a professional and it was his job to help her but with her friends and family, she knew that she could not be continuously talking how upset and depressed she was, her time to get over Watt was officially over and she knew that the people around her would be bored and annoyed with her if she was to go on mentioning Watt at every meeting and so Anirak had learnt to stop talking abt Watt to the people around her, giving an illusion that she was over him. Now, Alex had offered to listen to Anirak's sorrows and he, being someone new in her life, he would definitely not be tired of listening to the cause of her depression.

Once again, Anirak brought Alex and herself back to the time when Watt was still in her life. She talked about the minimal good times she shared with Watt with the subsequent misery she had to go through. She remembered how Watt had approached her and swept her off her feet with his sweet lies and then dumping her after he had got bored with her without failing to tell her that he had no feelings for her all along. He had since been in two relationships after knowing Anirak and Anirak had to watch the man she loved wholeheartedly love someone else. After Watt told Anirak about getting back with his ex-girlfriend of four years, all Anirak could do was to wait patiently for him but the wait was useless, even though Watt broke up again with his ex girlfriend, he soon discovered that his another ex -girlfriend had given birth to his son and had raised him on her own. After Watt met up with her again, he realised that his feelings for her was still intact and had decided to start a new life with this girl instead. The girl and child were the people Anirak had seen just now. Initially, Anirak stayed on in Watt's life and trying to be what Watt wanted her to be and never once did she complain about the unfair situation she was in. All she really wanted was for Watt to appreciate her and see her as a person who loves him unconditionally.

As Anirak continued with her story with a shaking voice, trying her best to hold back her tears, the patient Alex nodded along, never once did he interrrupt her and Anirak felt as if she was talking to herself who knew her inner most feelings, without having to explain much, it seemed that Alex understood everything that Anirak was going through even though he was not the present the whole time, Anirak felt a sense of unexplainable closeness with him. She had a certain unique connection with Alex and Anirak felt comforted. Soon, the two of them were involved in an animated conversation talking about their lives and their deepest thoughts. Soon, she found that this kind gentleman was actually quite good looking with dark short neat hair, clean shaven, had a well built body and held himself confidently but did not possess any streak of arrogance at all. She found out that Alex was working at an advertising company and coincidentally, he was of the same age as Watt, twenty nine years of age.

Time passed by very quickly with Alex and soon it was time for Anirak to return home. They exchanged phone numbers before taking their seperate ways. Anirak walked home with a silly grin on her face. She hadn't felt so comforted for a long time. Taking out the pills that Dr Brown had prescribed her, she threw them in a nearby bin, she felt that she no longer needed the pills to make herself feel better and she never did like taking those pills anyway, she always felt uncomfortably relaxed after taking them.

Anirak reached home to find her Mrs Wehttam at the dining table reading the papers. Anirak was about to tell her mum about Alex when Mrs Wehttam gasped in horror.

" What happened to your arms? Have u been scratching them again?" the shocked Mrs Wehttam asked.

As Anirak looked down at her arms, she found no bandages on her arms, the blood on her arms had dried up.

This story is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of my imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is purely coincidental.

+..::K[j]A[i]R[n]I[g]N[y]A[a]::..+

( chapter 3 is in process, stay tuned and again, thanks a lot for reading!)

][A picture speaks a thousand words,
How i wish i could paint my love i have for you.
That way you could see just how much I am in love with you,
And maybe you would love me back after seeing the depth of my love.
You would then be touched by my persistence, my immense love for you and my loyalty,
And thus embrace my love wholeheartedly.
At the same time, you would give me exactly everything i had yearned for.][

..::Waiting For You::.. (Chapter 1)

2005-03-03T00:46:00.000Z

" How are you feeling today?" Dr Brown asked while observing for signs of discreet body language.

Sitting across Dr Brown was a distracted looking twenty-year-old girl, Anirak Wehttam. Keeping really quiet, Anirak looked at her fingers, studying every minute detail of her nails and cuticles. She was trying so hard to avoid any eye contact with Dr Brown, hoping that he would not see the tears circling in her eyes. This was her fourth counselling session with him and each time Anirak started to talk, it was inevitable that she would relate her problems in the midst of sobs and tears. Anirak no longer wanted to put Dr Brown and herself in an awkward postion.

" Anirak, it is alright if u feel like crying, it is better to face ur emotions than to withhold them inside u, " Dr Brown said gently while trying to assure her.

" Dr Brown, i don't think i can handle this break up, i don't think i can live with the fact that he doesn't care about me at all. I cry every night and each time i think about the things he had said and done, my heart feels as if it is being stabbed by a thousand knives, I know i should get over him and forget about him for my own good but i dun think i am capable of doing it and i dun think i am strong enough to do so, " Anirak was starting to get worked up as she poured her heart out.

Anirak, a university student, was going through an extremely difficult time, she had just been hurt by someone she loves with her whole heart, only to realise that he had no love for her all along. This person that she had held so dearly in her heart was the cold-hearted, Watt Lucipher.He was arrogant, manipulative and extremely selfish, however, Anirak still loved him despite of that. It has been almost a year and half, Anirak was still feeling miserable without having any zest to do anything else other than to cry. Her mother was so worried that she didn't have any choice but to send Anirak to a psychologist, hoping that it would help her daughter to cope with life a bit more.

" I went into the phone shop that he was working in the other day, i juz couldn't take it anymore, i missed him and wanted to see him so badly that going into the phone shop was my only chance of seeing him but right at the moment i walked in, i knew i had made a terrible mistake. I saw him standing really close and talking with one of his colleagues, Nicola...." Right at that point, Anirak paused, once again she pictured the whole scene in her head. Tears fell from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks.

" Nicola has always been one of the girls that i have always felt inferior to, i wasn't upset that they were talking, i was more disturbed by them spending so much time together. Dr Brown, i don't even get to spend that amount of time with him and i had lost to her..... i had lost to her with regards to time spent, conversations involved, depth of the relationship. I had lost to her in every aspect possible, " Anirak continued as the realisation of the truth crept up to her.

" Do u hate Nicola?" Dr Brown questioned.

" No, i don't! Although i feel inferior to her but i think she is quite a nice person, even nicer than me and more captivating than me and i think that is why Watt likes talking to her more and spending more time with her, i don't harbour any hatred against her or Watt's wife, they are juz better than me at pleasing Watt, I respect and admire them for that, all i can do now is to wait silently for him to love me back although i know he wouldn't but i will wait, " Anirak spoke
quietly.

Right at that moment, the seemingly calm Anirak started scratching her arms violently while crying her eyes out, Dr Brown hurried up from his couch, trying his best to calm Anirak down.

" Breathe, Anirak! Try taking in deep breaths and calm yourself down, everything is going to be fine, i am here to help!"

Slowly, Anirak came back to her senses and stopped scratching her badly scratched arms, blood could be seen trickling down. She kept breathing while Dr Brown scurried off to get his first aid box.

At the end of the session, the expressionless Anirak sat herself down on the bench in the waiting room while her mother spoke with Dr Brown.

" How is she, doctor? Is she making any progress?" Anirak's mother asked worriedly.

" Mrs Wehttam, I am going to increase your daughter's medication, i am not sure she is able to cope with what is happening around her at the moment and she is hurting herself physically which i think she is going into another phase where she is trying to show her emotional pain physically or it could be that the emotional pain is too much for her to bear that she wants the physical one to override it instead. I think an increase of medication is necessary."

Anirak's mother agreed to it and knew that different methods had to be attempted on Anirak. At this point, she was open to anything as long as her daughter shows improvements.

While waiting, Anirak's mind went back to the times she spent with Watt, she knew that Watt was never serious with her, Watt had even blatantly told Anirak about it but Anirak was too in love with Watt to protest or to leave him. She hoped that Watt would change his mind after seeing how much she loved him. She wished that he would be touched by her persistence and loyalty that he would love her back but all her hopes turned into fears and rejections.

The next day, Anirak returned to University, although her mind and soul was not in her body and most of the time she was day dreaming in lectures but she knew that she had no choice but to carry on living and continuing with her daily activities as if nothing bothered her. As she was returning home, a familiar outline of a person with two other people from afar caught her eye, she focused her attention at him and for once, Anirak hoped that she was blind. Standing quite a distance away from her was a family of three, it was Watt with his wife and son. The dumbfounded Anirak stood rooted to the ground not knowing what to do next. Right at that moment, someone behind her spoke.

This story is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of my imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is purely coincidental.

+..::K[j]A[i]R[n]I[g]N[y]A[a]::..+

(chapter 2 will be out soon, thanks for reading!)

[[All i can do now is pretend not to see,
Pretend not to know,
Pretend not to care!
Your happiness-- i can sense it!
I no longer want to know anything,
Anyway, i cannot be bothered with your life.]]

-Gates to Memories-

2005-02-27T02:04:00.000Z

Do you sometimes juz hope certain memories that you possessed could juz be deleted by a 'delete' button located somewhere accessible to ur fingers? Don't u juz hate it when a once sweet and happy incident could turn into something hurtful whenever u reminisce it? What is the point of having memories that would only hurt or make one feel sad whenever one replays it in the mind? It would be so much better and less heartaching if one has a choice of erasing all the memories that serves to be a sort of threat to one's emotional well-being. Well, then again probably choices like these would only be available in a perfect world but definitely not in this world we are living in now.

At times, i am afraid to create memories with people or juz any memories at all whether these memories are happy or sad, the reason to this is that i dun want to look back at the happy ones and feel sad coz i can't go back to how it was before and i dun want to look back at the sad ones and feel even more miserable. I dun like the idea of settling with something which is considered the second best and to me each memory which i hold dearly in my heart is one of a kind and could never be replaced or replicated in any way and thus reminsicing a memory which would never happen again would be a nightmare for me. I think the feeling is the same as being able to have emotions for something or someone that u used to possess but will never possess the thing or that person ever again and so reliving the experience only in the mind would only result in one pining for it fruitlessly. Personally, i dun like that kind of feeling knowing that something sweet and happy that had happened before will never appear and i would never feel the same way again. Come to think of it, i think i am more afraid to reminisce those memories which were once happy but knowing that they will never happen no matter how hard i try or how much i want them to happen again.

I used to be extremely hard on myself where i dun even allow myself to imagine certain scenarios which i want to happen but know that it would be impossible for it to come true. Whenever i start to imagine or fantasise a happy but fictitious scenario, i would immediately reprimand myself for thinking of something that would never happen and would prevent myself from sinking into a fictional world and into a feeling where i want it to happen and thus would be disappointed even more after having to face the truth that it is will never ever come true. But now, sometimes the reality could be so harsh that i juz simply can't cope with it or accept it that i found that there really is no harm thinking abt fictional scenarios but would constantly remind myself not to put too much hope into it. Now, it seems to me that i could at least be in touch with what i want by dreaming abt it, it is better than nothing and there really is no harm in me thinking abt it with the knowlege that it would never happen in real life.

I sometimes hope that there are gates guarding my memories where i could simply close the gates to certain memories, lock the gate with a padlock and then throw the keys away into the vast sea never being able to find the key to that gate and thus able to forget abt certain events that had taken place or abt certain people who had once hurt me deeply. The act of closing and locking of gates may seem that i am keeping people away from me but i think it is more to wanting to keep myself imprisoned in my little world and not to be hurt again.

I hope that time could come to a stand still and not let events, people and feelings to disappear into an invisible memory, i dun want these things to be history.

If i had known that it was the last time i will see someone or talk to someone, i would have savoured every moment of it and beg Time to stop right there allowing me to be able to possess that moment forever but the pharse ' Only if i had known' does not exist!

{A Memory is like perfume, it evaporates with time. }
{ Forgetting is due to interference where new memories take over the old ones!}

[I would be so happy if HE cared abt me, abt what is happening but what HE did or shall i say what HE didn't do juz shows what i had expected. HE doesn't care at all!
Mother's day is on the 6th of March, remembered HIM telling me that HE bought liles for his mum last year]

*::...K[j]A[i]R[n]I[g]N[y]A[a]...::*

x Let the Past be Forever History x

2005-02-23T20:08:00.000Z

All the memories now remain invisible,
All my hopes are forever gone,
Thanks to you, they have gone,
You and I are nothing but strangers from now on!

Tonight these tears are
Full of pain but i can also feel
Relief in my heart
Because the stigma is revealed!

Departure is never a good feeling but there are times when certain things happen in life that u juz know that it is time to make a move. Staying though will satisfy a tiny part of one's life but it will destroy other more important parts. At the same time, having to leave though will be painful but it may be a blessing in disguise!

Able to see certain evil when one least expect it could trigger the motivation to see what one has been blinded to for so long and thus realisation comes in allowing one to think with a clearer mind! Jealousy could result one into doing something in impulse but this impulse would only last for a few days, if it last for a week or so, it no longer is an impulse but a self enlightening decision. Leaving is the only option left!

I have a feeling that we shall meet again! Can u feel it too? When we do, i will tell u all that have happened in this life. Till then, i will lead a life without you!

We are strangers from now on, our lives are independent of each other, do take care!!!

The Spectrum of Possible Outcomes

2005-02-21T09:58:00.000Z

As I look down the road of my life, I have no idea whether I should feel optimistic or pessimistic about it. Optimistic coz the future holds hope for me, without revealing what is to be known, there could be chances of me being really happy, blessed and successful, with me juz enjoying every single second of my life to the fullest. Pessimistic coz I seriously have no clue where my life is heading and worried that I would remain in the same state as how I am now without being able to recover from the unsatisfactory state of life I am in.

When one is younger, they would more or less know where they are heading, he or she would have to complete primary school and then secondary education followed by either going into college or polytechnic ( with regards to Singapore education, not really sure abt in UK) and then go on to uni for college students ( a must for those who had chosen to go to college in SG, 'A' level certificate is worthless!) and poly students could choose to go to uni or start working. That was how I felt when I was younger, I knew exactly what to do after primary, secondary and college education but now that I am half way through University, I feel a bit lost as to what to do after uni. People have said to me " oh! u should do ur master's degree after that and then continue studying to get a higher degree if possible." For me, I have no idea what kind of degrees are available after an honours degree and i don' t really know how high I should go in order to be a psychologist. Basically, I juz dun know what I should do after completing my honours degree! I dun know whether I should work first and then continue studying or juz find a job after that and then continue working till I get married.

Speaking of marriage, that is another problem, I think I am still stuck in the midst of trying to recover from a heartbreak and attempting with minimal success to move away from the fairy tale fantasy I have created in that stupid mind of mine! I have no idea how long it'll take to be able to totally forget about HIM and I have a huge fear that I may not recover at all and be stuck in this misery not being able to accept any one else and then be single and lonely for the rest of my life. Come to think of it, I dun think I have loads of time though pple may say I am still young and there is no hurry in meeting someone cos i am not at the age where i should settle down but if u do a bit of calculation, there really is not much time left. I have to know the person for a few years first so I have to be in a relationship with him for a few years and then get engaged for a year, all these take time and I dun wish to have children after I am thirty so actually, I dun think I have a lot of time left to find Mr Right and yet I am still trying to recover from a meaningless heartbreak!

When it comes to my future, I so hope that I would be able to be successful in my career and in everything I do. On top of that, I would feel emotionally satisfied, being able to feel that I could spend the rest of my life with someone really special. This is what I wish my future would be like but through experience, I realised normally, what I hope for would never come true and instead I would get the opposite of what I had hoped for.

My future is a bit bleak if this is how my life works but then I have a slight comfort that I could not say for sure that my life would end up to be really horrible, there are still many possible outcomes to it and I do hope that I would be extremely happy to what is laid out for me. At the moment, I dun see it and though I am insecure with what is going to happen in future, I know that inside I still have a tiny streak of faith that miracles do exist and I will be surprised pleasantly with what is in store for me!

To HIM-- It was snowing on sunday (20th of Feb), hope u saw it too! It was really pretty, thot abt u when i saw that!

L.O.S.T

2005-02-18T16:14:00.000Z

Would anyone fight a lost battle?
A battle that has been lost even before it begun!
But I still stayed at the battlefield fighting aganist the phantoms i created!
But there is juz one problem, there are neither phantoms nor a war at all coz the thing i am fighting for has already been fought for and taken!

What can i say?
I am juz weaker than the other fighters, i am not as strong and confident as them.
Although i am fighting, but i am juz a silent fighter but the one that could win is the one who is more assertive.
My sincerity, my determination, my patience and my loyalty juz could not be compared to them!

I have lost to HER and her and yet another her!

I have lost my faith in fighting!

I am lost in this vast world without getting what i have fought for so hard all this while!

Worst of all, I have lost to YOU! I admit defeat!

You left my *heart* full of memories!!

Fruit of Labour

2005-02-15T13:23:00.000Z

Are exam results really that important to us? Do they really determine our successes or failures or how intelligent we are or most importantly who we really are inside? As students, i think examinations and our results mean the world to us! They determine where we are going to head in future and open doors for us allowing us to step into a world of new opportunities.

I recently got back my results for last semster and i saw a big 'F' on the transcipt and i was really shocked! Failing in uni is the last thing that i wanted and though there were different marks written on the transcipt, i was acutally blinded to everything else, nothing else mattered other than that prominent 'F' on the piece of paper. Although i started scanning thru the whole transcipt and saw that i did pretty well on the other papers, i was not at all comforted, i was really worried abt that one paper. Right at that moment, i was too shocked to do anything and i seriously wanted to cry in front of the crowd of people. Then, my friend came over, looking as shock as me and i asked her whether she failed the same unit too and realised that she was in the same boat as i was but after closely looking at the marks, she told me that we actually didn't fail as the mark shown was juz one semster's mark and that unit stretched for the whole year and so that was only part of our marks. It is inevitable that everyone failed as we only did a report for that semester. When i heard that, i looked at my mark closely and realised that i had actually done pretty ok for that unit! I can't bellieve that the uni could be that insensitive to put an 'F' and mislead the students. One of my friends actually came crying to me without knowing the truth.

After this incident, i realised how much results mean to every student, even for those who behave as if they can't be bothered with sch work but when it comes to getting back their papers and knowing what mark they obtained, these so called 'heck care' people are as nervous so those who had put their heart and soul in studying.

Many people tend to judge how smart u are by looking at how well u do in examinations or shall i say how well one performs under pressure. To put it bluntly, people are interested in one's brain capacity looking at how well one could memorise. Examinations merely reflect how well one could memorise the facts of a certain subject. I doubt anyone could remember these facts 5 years from now coz all people are doing is to simply memorise the things which are important to deal with the examination, they are not doing this out of curiosity or interest and so they will forget what they have remembered.

The simple mark on the piece of tattered paper defines us not because it really defines us but it is due to the fact that it is how society defines us! I believe that deep inside no one person would actually feel as if they have lost their worth juz because they did badly in an examiations. Our worth is not determined by what we are but who we are! Our future would still be as bright even though we are not good with books. Every one person has a talent and could still be successful if they could maximise their potential but of course, the society is pragmatic, the society would only respect and look up to those with qualifications and as beings living in this society, it is inevitable for us to fulfil the criteria to survive and be practical too.

It is sad to see how many young students seek suicide as the solution to their 'constantly failing examinations' problem. In Japan, loads of students commit suicide every year coz they did badly in examinations and some as young as 10 years of age have killed themselves. Though, i can see that mourning over bad results is not an acceptable thing to do, i, myself have actually fallen to such a situation where i was so stressed up with sch work that i broke down and refused to go for tests. I was in college when that happened and though some may say that i should be old enough to step out of the box and look at things but at that point of time, i really was so pressurised with the impending 'A' levels and i was not doing well in my tests which only made things worse that i just behaved like a spoilt child crying to my mum over the heated up mobile phone in college refusing to take the test no matter what happened. But in the end, still succumbed to the importance of that test and went for it.

i used to think so little of myself when i was in college coz i was doing badly in sch work, i thought that i was really stupid and i was juz useless. I lost all sense of self worth and constantly think i was not talented in any way and felt like a dwarf in front of my friends who were all coping well with all the subjects. It was not that i wasn't working hard enough coz i really put in a lot of effort into my work but no signifcant results were seen.

Now that i am out of that situation, i take what had happened before more lightly and one reason which i could come up with was that science subjects were juz not my cup of tea ( took physics, chemistry, mathematics as my 3 'A' level subjects). I had no interest in it, though one could say that it is juz my excuse for not doing well and that i am plain stupid but i still want to take this reason to why i did not do well before.

One's worth, one's success could not possibly be defined by one piece of paper, it would be really pathetic if that was true and all i am trying to say is that everyone has their talents and specialities, i dun wanna say that everyone is unique coz it juz shows that no one is unique. One's loveable personality is also another important factor for determining one's worth so no matter how hard it is to remember this fact or how much the society forbids u to remember or fulfil it, do try to live by it and not to be overly affected by examinations and the results.

- If Only It Were True -

2005-02-12T11:07:00.000Z

Standing in front of my house was him holding a large bouquet of red and white roses!

I walked slowly towards him surprised and puzzled but there was an undeniable hint of excitement and hope. It is Valentine's day after all!

He greeted me with a soft smile while holding out the flowers to me. I took it over, resting the flowers on my arms, inhaling the sweetness of the flowers.

I looked at him, baffled! The last time we met was almost 2 months ago with him pushing me completely out of his life, saying that he will never love me and asking me to forget about him totally and forever. He never reappeared after that leaving me to cope with the world on my own.

The harshness in his voice never left me ever since and so seeing him outside my house holding a bouquet of flowers was perplexing.

I looked at him with questioning eyes, searching for a reasonable answer.

Then he spoke with hestitation and anxiety:

What can i do to make you mine after all the hurt i have given you? I am falling so hard, so fast this time, i have no idea what i did or said to feel this way.
How did i fall in love with you? I do not know, all i know is that i cannot live without you. You mean the world to me and on this special day where love is celebrated, i sincerely apologise for what i have done to you and hope that you would give this regretful person in front of u a chance to truly love you and repay all kindness and sacrifices you have given unconditionally.

My eyes filled with tears, this was the day i had been waiting for ever since i met him. I wrapped my arms around him. Time seemed to stop just for the two of us.

I then began a journey of happiness after a long and suffering wait but it was all worth it.

(If Only It Were True!)

Robbed of innocence... Questionable smiles!

2005-02-04T16:57:00.000Z

Human beings are born to be good, there really is no doubt in this fact. When a baby is born, it seems to be the purest thing ever, it is free from all evil ( we shall leave the religious point of view where a baby could only be free from all evil only after it is baptised.) , oblivious to all the suffering and the ugliness of the world that they are born into. It is precisely due to this that babies are considered to be pure and innocent. They harbour no ill intentions or ulterior motives because they have no wants but only basic needs for survival, at the same time, they do not have any knowledge of the evil of the world and thus there is not a need for them to protect themselves and in turn become evil themselves.

Babies' feelings could be revealed on their face and people around them never have to doubt or guess whether a certain facial expression is genuine or fake. Babies smile when they are happy or enjoying something and would shout or cry when they are frustrated, angry or in need of something. A smile from a baby is definitely genuine and most of the time, their smiles would put a smile on any one's face. I think it is due to the reason that babies' smiles are so genuine, pure and innocent that many will fall in love with baby pictures and children themselves.

It is never pressurising talking to a child or playing with them as we know that no harm will come to us with them. We actually feel safe knowing that they are not devious and we are the ones who should be protecting them from harm and danger. We are certain that everything that we do or say in front of a child, we are not being judged by them and they are able to embrace everything abt us with grace and generosity. We could retreat from the harsh and cold society once in a while and go back in time behaving like innocent children. We could also take off the fake mask that we are wearing everyday when facing other pple and be our genuine self when we are around children.

I have always found joy in communicating with children and juz being around them cheers me up. It is so funny listening to the things they say. At times, their knowledge of certain things amazes me and I would laugh at them trying really hard to behave like an adult. I used to teach in an education centre where I would coach children whose age ranged from 3 to 11. I have to admit that it is a tedious job having to capture their attention all the time and trying to be interested in the things I say so I have to behave like a kid and immense myself into their world. Most of the time, I have to listen to them complain how stressed they are, having to go for a lot of lessons. My fondest memories in the education centre was with two really special children.

There was this girl called Samantha who has the largest eyes and cutest face ever. Listening to her talk never got boring for me, she is a really sweet girl. She was so close to me that she refused to be coached by other teachers and addressed me affectionately as her "friend teacher". I was asked by my supervisor to distant myself from her when I was about to quit my job and it really pains me to see her thinking that I no longer liked her, she tried constantly to talk to me and sit beside me but I had to ask my colleagues to take over. But I did tell her that I was leaving for England soon so I would no longer be around. One thing which comforts me was that I knew that though children could be close with someone really easily, they also tend to move on really quickly and forget easily too so I knew inside that she will be back to her normal cheerful self in no time.

Another child which I would remember dearly is a little chubby Indian boy called Dave who was 3 years old when I started to coach him. It was his first time having lessons with a stranger and he was really difficult to handle. My colleagues and I used to address him as 'nightmare' whenever he came and no one wanted to coach him. I used to dislike him ( though people often say that all children are cute in their own way and u could never dislike a child) and was really hard with him, never smiling much with him and juz told him to do his work. He did not even know how to write his name and was always throwing tantrums. I would often complain to my mum each time I went home and told her how mean I was to him, my mum actually reprimanded me for it saying that she felt sorry for him saying that he is only three years of age and do not have much idea what is going on and would bound to throw tantrums. The scolding actually did some good on me and I tried to make up for what I had done, I volunteered to coach him after that and telling him nicely to do his work and playing with him after work. After a few weeks, our relationship got better and he actually allowed me to hold his hand, something which he never allowed before and I realized that I was the only one who got to hold his hand in the education centre. He started to say things like he liked me and whenever he turns up for lessons, I would be the first person he would come to showing off the amount work he has completed. Through his maid, I realized that he had been asking for my name at home and would question my colleagues my whereabouts during my day off. Till now, I still wonder how he is getting along, I suppose he will be six this year!

It is so flattering when a child actually likes u and wants ur company coz though they may forget easily, they are beings which are really hard to please. They know when they are treated well or unfairly or with sincerity and would often shun people who they think are not treating them right. Getting a child to like u is a difficult task but then when u finally achieve it, u would feel a sense of achievement just like the way I have felt when a child acknowledges me. Another short heartwarming encounter was with a child who I met for the first time and yet he took hold of my hand asking how old I was coz I looked really tall. My heart immediately went out to him.

It is sad to see the tremendous change in children as they grow up and start socialising with the outer world, moving away from the the protective surrounding that their loved ones have created for them. They learn to be more sly and start putting on masks to self preserve and survive in the harsh reality of the world. They no longer smile genuinely but smile to please others. As they become adults, their innocence is robbed not because they want to but it is the society itself that provoke this so called 'daylight robbery'. People are always complaining that there is no more warmth in the world but people are the exact ones who are promoting such a behaviour. Smiles of people in the working world, acquaintances, at times people who we can't trust too much are questionable! Are they smiling from their heart or they are doing so for some motives? For me, I try to remain as true to others as possible. What people see of me is what they get but at times I am accused of being too blunt in the things I say, I may at times be tactless but I juz dun wanna hide and I wanna be as genuine and transparent as I possibly can.

Innocence though robbed and smiles though questionable but faith in people should not be lost due to this. Human beings are by nature good hearted but for survival and being realistic, they have to force themselves to do certain inevitable things! I think I am more or less influenced by it too.

" No Man is an Island"

2005-01-25T22:14:00.000Z

Throughout our lives, we are constantly surrounded by different types of people. Ever since we were born, we are surrounded by doctors, nurses, our own parents and then placed in a room full of other babies. It seems that human beings are never alone. Everyone will be one way or another be in the presence of people they love and also by those who would love them back unconditionally. First, we would have our own family members showering us with the love, care and concern we are in need of. As we grow up, people would start making friends who would then provide us with another type of love. Very soon later, we would seek out our other half and experience another kind of love, fulfilling a new aspect of our life which we have no experience before. Such kind of love would send u into an euphoric state, making everything seem more pleasant and lovely, thus the expression ' to look at the world through rose-tinted glasses' arose. From here, if we are fortunate, we will then be able to spend the rest of our lives with their special person alongside with our children.

Human beings are social animals and there is no way we could spend our whole life all alone, we need constant love, attention and assurance to survive fruitfully. Family members should be everyone's piority as they are the ones who would love u no matter what u become, they are the ones who would love u unconditionally without taking ur looks or wealth into consideration when loving u. Right behind family members would be our friends however there are many types of friends, people who could share ur deepest darkest secrets or others who u could juz merely have a laugh and that's it and there are those known to be Hi-Bye friends who u juz know by chance but could never really hold a real conversation with. The kind of friends that should be follow behind ur family would be known to be first degree friends who are the ones who offer a helipng hand in times of trouble and able to accept who u are and not try to change or mould u into someone who is not. First degree friends are those who could embrace ur flaws and praise ur strengths. These people are even more valuable than ur boyfriends or girlfriends for they are more reliable, there would not be a change of heart for someone prettier or better. Then again, there are certain relationships where the boyfriend or girlfriend could also play the role as best friend. I shall not be so narrow minded to rule that out as i have experience such a case before too.

Personally, i must say that i am thankful to have a group of really good friends who have stayed by my side in times of happiness and giving me advice during my down period. These people are like pillars to my life providing me with security and allowing me to feel a sense of belonging. I am sure that when i am falling, there would be many pairs of hands waiting to hold me up again. I must admit that i am an overly paranoid person, suffering from low sense of esteem and extremely insecure and even my friends have done so much for me and assuring me that the friendship would last for a lifetime, i still feel insecure each time i return to Singapore, i fear that i am not as close to them as before and i have missed out a lot without having the ability to recover to being the great person who had spent and shared so many wonderful memories with them before. I need constant assuring that i am not forgotten so as not feel left out. (Gosh! i am so hard to please isn't it?)

At times, i feel difficult to be myself with certain people who i thought i am close with. In actual fact, i think to a certain level, i am close with them but not to the point where they know me really well to understand how my character works. I am a talkative person most of the time but there will be times when i just want to be quiet, sit back and be the one listening or i am just merely tired always having to talk and entertain just to remain consistent with my dominant character. I am a gemini, there are two sides to my character- the noisy, talkative, outgoing one and the quiet, reserved one and there are times when the quiet one domineer me. Sometimes there is really nothing interesting to talk about so i just keep quiet and immense in my own thoughts. When this happen, friends who dun understand my character well will label me as being moody and constantly asking me what is bothering me when in actual fact there really is nothing wrong and i just want to relaz without talking.

A strong point which i must assert though is that people who loves u whether romantically or as a friend should be able to embrace everything about u, they should never manipulate u into becoming someone u are not or try to mould u into something which they fancy. A person who bullies u is no longer worth ur attention, neither is he or she worth u maintaining a friendship with. A friendship or any relationship should not be taken as a 'hotel' where they could come and go as they please. I was once asked a question of whether a certain person was actually secretly in love me. My first response was a definite no! A person could deny loving u but would reveal his or her love for u unconsciously through his or her actions and the certain way he or she looks at u, at the same time, a person could constantly be saying that he or she loves u so much and yet the actions show otherwise unable to transmit a certain unique, invisible feeling to the other party. Thus, my response being a no is due to the reason that i could not come up with any example showing that he loves me at all, most importantly, i could not feel this feeling of love in any way.

Lastly, i would like to say thank you to the gifts my friends gave to me before i left.

To yokie, i really like the pink cat 'calendar' u gave ( which only shows one date!), it is placed so proudly on my desk and the food stuff u gave, i can't bear to eat them till now!

To Wenhui, ( my one and only Gin) ur gift is really one of a kind! Ur letter is really touching! I remember all that have happened between the two of us too starting right from college. I have a confession to make too, some of the smses that u sent, i have also yet to delete them. Some of the texts are almost three years old, dating back from our college days! I also can't make myself to use the A4 paper and the stationery u gave. I have also remembered a lot that have happened which have brought our friendship to a higher level.

To Philip, ur special christmas gift and the heartwarming christmas card have said it all. Thanks!

To Joseph, ur really special, personalised crossword puzzle that u made from hand will always be one of the speical and unique gifts i have received. Thank you for the time and effort u have put into it. I really appreciate it a lot.

To Yap Jin, ur call all the way from New Zealand before i left says it all. Shall always remember the fun outing we had and because of u being around that i got a real close encounter with Won Bin!! Hehe!

Lastly, to the special someone ( u know who u are!), thank you for ur time and sacrifice u made juz for me. Ur touching note will be something i will treasure for life!

" No Man is an Island", for me, mine is a paradise blessed with these special, indispensable people!!

~ A short walk down memory lane! ~

2005-01-18T10:33:00.000Z

I was brought for a short walk down memory lane by a stranger recently.

A Korean/Chinese belief- dead soul would return and depart on the 49th day after a person dies.
Mine SEEMED to have return after 30 days but took another form and 12 days later ( 42nd day from day he died!) Just like Sophie's feeling of Ryan returning.

Afraid yet curious about the identity.
Afraid coz i was not prepared to face fact that it is not him or someone not related to him and that the walk would end abruptly leaving me sad and helpless again!
Curious coz inside i know that it is not him at all and it is me who wants to believe that this stranger is connected to him.

At the end, i chose to be kept in the dark of the stranger's identity and juz savour every moment of chatting instead as it brought back feelings of actually talking with my love though knowing that he has died and would never return.

The form my loved one took left on the 45th day after he died.

A short, simple walk down memory lane allowed me to get back what i lost but longed for.

I have a feeling that we shall meet again, can u feel it too? When we do, i will tell u all that have happened in this life. Heaven shall be our meeting place!

Come back if u miss me, even as someone else, even as the wind or leaves, even as anything! Just come back!

-Only Time-

2005-01-14T16:18:00.000Z

Time--- something which could never be the same once it has come and gone and yet at the same time it could be said to be the only constant thing in this everchanging world having to go through the same cycle each day. On the surface, it appears to be harmless and innocent, oblivious to all the suffering it brings to a person as well as to the harsh reality it reveals each time the second hand ticks away like no one's business. The ticking of the second hand proves to be more superior than our conception that God is the one deciding our lives and destiny as when one gives it much thought, time is actually the only one visible thing that decides every single aspect of our lives. Our time to live, our time to be happy, our time to be sad and lastly, our time to die are all in the hands of time. Imagine the fear of a person who is about to be executed at a specific time when he or she hears nothing but the ticking of the second hand of a clock or when a person who is at his or her death bed or when a natural disaster will strike. All these depends on TIME alone and then again, imagine the helpless feeling a person or persons would feel when the only thing that could save them or their loved ones being time is actually unstoppable.

It is also fascinating to know that every second that goes past a person could be called history. We are creating history each time we blink our eyes, each time i press the keys on this keyboard. None of what we are doing now would be repeated exactly as it has been once it is over as time would never allow it to be identical again. It is frightening to know this and yet human beings refuse to treasure what they have at a specific time, taking things for granted thinking that something better would come along. The point that people fail to remember is that though something better or worse may come along but that one specific thing would only happen once in a lifetime and it is this fact that one should really consider before letting it go completely and taking it for granted.

Though time brings out many mean and harsh realities in people's lives, showing the evil of society as it matures, as it becomes more advanced, many believe that it is also TIME which pulls them back from any hell hole. The statement " Time heals all wounds" is one that says it all about the faith people have in TIME. When a person cuts him or herself, a wound will be fresh but as time goes by, the wound will heal. This could be applied to an emotional wound too, a suffering due to the death of a person or due to a break up could be recovered through time. For me, i used to think that TIME would heal any wounds but then i realise this is actually an illusion, by thinking that time would heal or solve any wounds or problems is nothing but a self assuring, self comforting kind of method to help one through the bad times as well as an advice given to others to keep one moving on with faith and hope. In actual fact, time does not heal any wounds, rather a person merely lives with it so at the end of a day, one will never ever get over a heartache over a break up or the death of a loved one or anything that used to bother one deeply, rather a person lives with it for the rest of his or a her life, getting used to it as time goes by, accepting that such a reality is revolving around their lives and there is nothing that he or she could do to rectify it. Even for physical wounds, scars would be visible after the wound has healed leaving bad memories behind. For emotional wounds, deeper scars though invisible would undeniably be left behind too, never having the ability to recover to its 100%.

TIME---- oblivious to the power it possess, oblivious to the damage it creates but still able to keep its clean and pure reputation of being innocent and harmless and at times the saviour to many broken hearts. I shall relate TIME as the practical and visible GOD to human lives! May TIME be lenient and kind to all!

P.S. Something which i must mention though completely out of point to my topic above. Won Bin, a korean actor with dashing good looks and amazing acting talent has now become my float for survival. Had a 'close' yet far encounter with him on tues ( 11.1.05). Got to know his marketing manager from CJ entertainment in korea through me giving out directions to him and from there started chatting with this manager who promised me Won Bin's autograph before he left ( but din get his autograph in the end! this manager didn't keep his promise as i expected!) But, to me, i would say i am more than satisfied. Having such a close encounter with such a good looking actor ( all the way from korea too!) is a once in a life time thing and i feel i am already blessed with such a chance so i can say, though, i did not get to see him in person or get his autograph, i am already a person over the moon. Watched his recent film " My Brother" too and all i can say is that he has exceptional acting ability. So people who are reading my blog, do watch it if have the chance! Time, in this case has been tremendously kind to me!

An Afterword...

2005-01-10T13:32:00.000Z

Watched a Korean film titled 'Windstruck' a couple of weeks ago, didn't go to watch it in cinema last year coz got reviews from frens saying that although some parts of it were funny, on the whole, it was an extremely sad film so i thought of giving it a miss! But then, the feeling of wanting to know what it is all about won in the end!

For me, i can say that it is the saddest film i have ever come across. The story is about how this police woman accidentally shot her boyfriend while pursuing a notorious criminal. Koreans have a belief ( i think chinese share the same belief too!) that when a person dies, the soul would depart the body for 49 days but on the 49th day, the soul would have to depart with the body and move on to the after life. The film talks about how the Boyfriend returned on the 49th day, first as the wind and then in person. The parting of the two of them could really melt anyone's heart. ( well, i think it could melt's most people's heart, but i do know there are some whose hearts are made of hard ice which could withstand any amount of drilling). Even the soundtrack was a stunner, the title of the theme song was called ' knocking on heaven's door' which is extremely meaningful. Initially i thought that this was a korean song but realized that actually it was sung by quite a number of western singers. One of them being Avril Lavigne and quite liked the way she sang it too.

Anyway, my purpose in bringing up this film is due to the fact that when it comes to breaking up, i would rather choose to believe that the person i love had passed away with the love for me still intact than to face the fact that he has merely lost the love for me ( kinda selfish of me isn't it). I think by thnking this way, i am able to find comfort in the fact that, it is not because he DOES NOT want to be with me, it is because he CANNOT be with me. Just a mere change of words but the whole statement brings out a whole new meaning and also able to give me strength. But after seeing how much emotional turmoil one has to go through after losing someone due to death, i thought that maybe it was not such a good belief after all.

Of course, having such a belief is one thing and the reality of achieving it is another. From my experiences, i tried to hold on to this belief as closely and as convincingly as possible but then it does not really work coz having to live in delusion requires loads of internal energy and i get tired after a while knowing it is just a lie. i dun consider myself as an aggressive person when it comes to love, most of the time, i like to sit back and let others make the move. The world is constantly advising others to fight for the one u love, statements like " you wun know what is going to happen tomorrow ( like the Tsunami disaster which killed millions of people in asia) so treasure today and let ur love be known!!" Full of crap isn't it?? How the hell am i going to fight when every single thing i do does not change anything? When it comes to fighting, one must have goal and of coz fight for someone who is worth it isn't it? Sometimes, really feel like giving the people who come up with such statements a tight slap! ( I am just looking for a scapegoat actually, someone to blame for the misfortunes i have encountered!)

Now, the only statement i found that have comforted me is from this " Love is not about possessing someone, it is about letting go and hoping that the person u love is happy." Initially, i found this to be crap as well and the most difficult thing to achieve but then i started to embrace this with more grace and now i totally believe in it. Although, it does hurt whenever the thought of the person one love is happy with someone else, but then why does it matter if the happiness is provided by some other person? The emphasis is not on who is giving the person i love happiness but it is on whether a not the person is happy, that is the most important thing. I no longer fight for the impossible or want to be near the impossible. Experiences, hurt and unhappiness mould a person to be better and more mature so making the best out of bad situations is better than sitting around waiting for the day to be reunited with something impossible.

Time needed to recover is inevitable and i dun think there is a need to rush into recovering coz i dun see the need to do so, i believe in the fact that side effects would arise as years go by if one were to rush. Therefore, i believe in taking it slow and comfortable and not be affected by external conditions.

Hope this work, i mean it is easy to put it in words but action-wise may be a different story! So fingers crossed!!!

~Bridge over Troubled Waters---- Tears in Heaven~ chapter 4

2005-01-03T07:31:00.000Z

The arrival of Kelly was not the most prominent thing which shocked Sophie, what shocked Sophie the most was the boy standing next to Kelly. The boy looked no more than 2 years old and had an uncanny resemblance to Ryan. Sophie feared the inevitable but before Sophie had any time to think, Kelly shoved Sophie aside and marched angrily to Sophie's living room and sat herself down at the sofa.

" I heard about Ryan's death! Aren't u a jinx?" Kelly blamed Sophie

" What exactly do u want?" Sophie probed.

"Fine, I will cut to the chase! This boy here is called Alex, he is Ryan's son, i have been taking care of him for almost 2 years now and since you are so in love with Ryan. i don't think you will mind taking care of him for the rest of you life, " Kelly said without any compassion.

" What the hell do u mean take care of him for the rest of my life? he is your son, this is your responsibility, it has nothing to do with loving Ryan!!!" the baffled Sophie spoke.

Sophie was unable to believe the things she was hearing, the fact that Ryan had a son with another woman was enough to tear Sophie apart and now, she was brought to another hell hole by the possibility that she had to take care of this boy. Sophie wanted no part of it, neither does she want anything to ruin the perfect picture she had painted of Ryan. She wanted Kelly to leave immediately and thought that by living in illusion, she could at least blocked the experience of meeting Kelly totally and retain the beautiful picture of Ryan!

However, Kelly refused to let it rest, she continued with her story revealing bits and pieces of Ryan's low down character. She revealed the fact that Sophie's perfect perception of Ryan was nothing but a mere illusion. It turned out that before Ryan had met Sophie, he was a womaniser, a heartbreaker, an irresponsible father! Ryan had knew about Kelly's pregnancy but refuse to face up to the responsibility as he was not ready for a child and it was around that time that he met Sophie and had told Kelly that Sophie was the one he was looking for, the love of his life and he will give up anything to be with her. Kelly thought that Sophie was just another woman Ryan had taken fancy of just like in the past and will return to her once he got bored of her so she allowed Ryan to have his way provided that he sent back money for her and her unborn child. Little did Kelly know, Sophie was really Ryan's true love and he was willing to sacrifice anything to be with her.

Sophie was dumbfounded! Although she was aware of Kelly's existence when she was seeing Ryan, she had no idea that Kelly was pregnant with Ryan's child and Ryan had never mentioned anything to Sophie. Now that Ryan had passed away, kelly was unable to support her child on her own and she did not want Alex to stifle any future she has.

" I have no idea what u have in u that could make Ryan change his ways and love you with all his heart, to me, he is hopeless, i had always wanted to change his unfaithful ways but always to no avail. You must be a special person to him," Kelly spoke with a hint of tears in her eyes.

"But whatever it is, i am no longer interested in him or anything related to him, i shall leave Alex here with you, send him to an orphanage if you find him a nuisance, " the lack of compassion in Kelly's voice returned .

With that, Kelly walked out of the front door without once looking back or saying goodbye to Alex. Sophie was left speechless. She refused to believe that Ryan had done something so heartless and what was more unforgivable was the fact that Ryan had been lying to her all this while. She was unable to believe how superficial her relationship with Ryan was and now she had to face up to her karma, she had snatched Ryan from an innocent boy and from Kelly and now DEATH had snatched Ryan away from her. At the same time, she was stuck with a responsibility that she did not want.

Looking at Alex, Sophie could not help but cringed! He was Ryan's essence with someone else, a dream Sophie had always wanted to fufill with Ryan but he had gone ahead and fufill this dream with someone else. How could Sophie ever forgive him? There was no way she could be that noble hearted and look after Ryan's child without bias or hatred.

7 hours went by like a blink of an eye, Sophie had sat at the same spot without moving, Alex had been so tired that he had fallen asleep on the couch. Sophie was in dilemma, she was unable to be so heartless and send Alex to the Orphanage but Sophie was unable to bring herself to take care of him, having to face the fact that Ryan was not a perfect person.

Just then, Ronan Keating's started to air on the radio, a sense of comfort overwhelmed Sophie. Whenever she listened to Ronan Keating's song, she felt as if Ryan was right beside, giving her the support and love she had yearned for. It was then that she realized that Ryan's past was not important, he had given her his best, his unconditional love. What Ryan had done in the past was no longer important as he was never once unfaithful to Sophie. Love is about forgiving and embracing every single thing the other party had been through. If Sophie was unable to embrace Ryan's past, she was not fit to talk about loving Ryan and his efforts to help her through his death was completely wasted!It was then, Sophie knew what she had to do.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Six years later, Alex and Sophie stood in front of Ryan's gravestone.

" Aunt Sophie, what kind of person was my dad like?"Little Alex asked

Sophie thought for a while and she knew exactly where to begin talking about Ryan............

The End!

~Bridge over Troubled Waters---- Tears in Heaven~ Chapter 3

2004-12-30T02:45:00.000Z

Sophie read the card over and over again, savouring every moment of it. With curiosity, she placed the cassette tape in the recorder, wondering with excitment the contents of it. It turned out that Ryan had written a song just for her and had performed the entire song playing the guitar. Sophie realized the depth of Ryan's love for music when she once asked Ryan to choose the kind of talent he wanted providing him with three choices, to be talented in art, music or sports. Ryan had replied without hesitation that he wanted to be talented in music with a simple yet direct explanation that he loves music a lot! Ryan had wanted to learn every musical instrument that ever existed especially the piano but he was told that his fingers were too short and was unable to fufill his wish so he turned his focus to the guitar instead. Each time Sophie thought about the way Ryan had told her about this, Sophie cannot help but smile with amusement. She couldn't tell Ryan that the length of fingers had nothing to do with the performance in playing the piano, hard work was the key to everything but Sophie allowed Ryan to believe in this myth rather than to see him look back with regret. Sophie, on the other hand, though was a restless and lazy person was able to play the piano, the violin and the harmonica, inside she felt that since she was a partner to Ryan, her achievements were able to make up for the loss that Ryan had encountered and if that was not enough, she believed that their future children would be the ones to make up for it.

As Sophie listened to the beautiful music that Ryan had composed and the meaningful lyrics, her heart filled with comfort once again and she was able to feel Ryan smiling when he sang the song to her. For the rest of the day, Sophie stayed in listening to the tape over and over again, singing along to it. To Sophie, Ryan was like her own personal Ronan Keating! She had always felt that Ryan had some resemblance to the singer and his unaware talent for music made her love him even more and definitely more superior to any singer that ever existed. Ryan's gifts, his neverending love, his mere existence in her heart gave Sophie the strength to carry on living, gave her the motivation to look at life with hope! Sophie was looking forward to Ryan's next surprise and the waiting was worth all of her time and strength as well as her loyalty to the one and only Ryan!

Months went by, Sophie's birthday was impending, she was pining for a gift from Ryan! Finally, on her birthday, Sophie was once again woken up by the doorbell ringing constantly. She dragged herself to the door and as she opened the door, she saw the same young boy who had delievered the lilies to her, a feeling of deja vu hit Sophie. This time, she was glad to see the delivery boy and was more polite to him.

" Hi, are u Sophie Brown? i have a stem of rose and a gift box for u, " he said softly.

Sophie took over the gifts and gave the boy a huge tip, without forgetting to thank him profusely. The boy left with a puzzled look. Closing the door behind her, Sophie looked at the beautiful red and gold ribbon at the top of the delicate red box. What baffled Sophie was that Ryan had only sent a stem of red rose, this was not usually Ryan's style, but she knew that everything happens for reason.

Opening the box, she found a jewellery box and a note that read:

My princess Sophie,

I am sad to say that this will be my last gift, i really hope that u will carry on living with the same amount of zest and enthusiasm that u once possessed! Let time heal any pain, suffering or discomfort u are encountering. I may be gone physically but spritually, i am here for u juz like in the past, ur present and definitely in the future! My love for u is still fresh and deep and it will remain this way as long as u live! I am sure we will meet again in the after life. It is a pity that in this life we are unable to be united as husband and wife but i have faith that my tears in heaven will move GOD to reunite us in our next life and the life after! A single rose represents ' I Love You!' A piece of me will always be with u now and forever!

Loving u now, always and forever,
Ryan

Sophie grasp the letter close to her heart, tears fell like raindrops! With trembling hands, she opened the jewellery and found a heart shaped diamond necklace in it! Carved behind it were Ryan and Sophie's names! Sophie wore the necklace immediately. Right at this moment, her doorbell rang again.

Wiping the tears from her face, she opened the front door. As Sophie raised her head to see who it was, a gasp escaped from her mouth. A hostile looking woman stared at her angrily but Sophie had no difficulty in recognising who it was. The woman was Ryan's ex- girlfriend, Kelly! The same person Ryan had left to be with Sophie!

Shall continue in chapter 4!

~Bridge over Troubled Waters---- Tears in Heaven~ Chapter 2

2004-12-15T11:22:00.000Z

Sophie invited the sobbing Mark in and made him a cup of hot tea to calm him down. In between sobs, Mark kept saying how much he missed Ryan and what a lucky girl Sophie was as he handed Bethany, the Yorkshire terrier, to her. Sophie could feel the heat rushing up to her eyes and her vision was once again blurred with tears of sorrow as she held Bethany in her arms. She had remembered the day when Ryan returned from his chemotherapy session looking weak and frail, struggling to put up a brave front for the sake of Sophie. She knew that Ryan must be going through hell having to go through months of physical turmoil but Sophie could see that the physical hurt was nothing compared to his emotional suffering. Ryan used to be an active person and he was extremely talented in bowling, he used to play in the league and his league had came in second to the top but ever since Ryan was diagnosed with Leukaemia, he was unable to continue playing his favourite sport. To take Ryan's mind off his plight and pain, Sophie started talking about something more positive so she talked about the future that Ryan and her would share once he recovered.

" Ryan, do u want to have children? For me, I think I would settle with only one child," Sophie said.
"One? Don't u think that the child will be lonely? Well, if u want ur children to have dashing good looks like me, you would have to be a mother of two children, a boy and a girl," Ryan said cheekily.
" Well! I guess I could make some changes in my life for the sake of my children's looks!" Sophie giggled. " Have you thought about the names of your children then?"

Sophie knew that thinking names for one's future children was a girl's thing but she knew the sensitive nature of Ryan and it would not come as a surprise to anyone who knew Ryan that he had worked out the names of his future children ever since he had known how babies came about. It turned out Sophie was right, Ryan had given the names of his children some thought. Ryan then said with a soft yet matter-of factly voice that for a boy, he would want to name him 'Ryan Junior' and if it were a girl, he had a choice of 'Sophie' or 'Bethany' but since his choice for the mother of his children was named 'Sophie', he would have to settle with the name 'Bethany' instead. Sophie laughed when Ryan pretended to be disappointed with the fact that the name 'Sophie' could not be taken into consideration. Sophie could not believe how Ryan could be so strong as for her, the thought of the suffering Ryan had to go through each time he was wheeled away by the nurse for his chemotherapy sessions was enough to tear Sophie apart. She felt terrible that she was unable to minimise the pain or share the burden physically with Ryan. All Sophie could do was to watch him go through with it helplessly!

Looking at Bethany, she understood why Ryan had given this puppy. Ryan was trying to give Sophie a reason to live, giving her a responsibility to take care of Bethany, a 'child' that Ryan and Sophie had together. Sophie looked sadly across at Mark who had known Ryan for almost his whole life. For Sophie, she had known Ryan for only a year and had already shared so many wonderful memories together. She could imagine that Mark's misery was probably a million times worse than Sophie's. Slowly, she went over to Mark and gave him a consoling hug. The both of them just sat in the lounge, crying their hearts out to each other,

Bethany had truly cheered Sophie up, giving her a new found purpose in life. She had initially lost the reason to live and was constantly searching for the purpose in life after Ryan left. She refused to face up with the reality convincing herself that there was an error in the administration way above and Ryan would return to her once the paper work was sorted out. Now, she had Bethany and caring for it was the most important thing. At the same time, Sophie had a feeling that Ryan's gifts will still be pouring in and she looks forward to the day that she would receive his thoughtful presents. She knew that Ryan would never give her false hopes and had faith that he would inform her if the surprise he was giving out would be the last.

Sure enough, Sophie was not wrong! Although Sophie and Ryan had been together for only a year, they were very much in love and they know each other like the back of their hands. Their relationship was not like any other's as they had found out the damn disease two months after they had first got together but that did not diminish the love that Sophie had for Ryan. They had started to spend more time together and given each other their 100%. Sophie had found her soul mate and she was going to love him despite the odds and obstacles.

During christmas, Ryan's father paid Sophie a visit, bringing her a special gift from Ryan. As Sophie opened the red gift box, a handwritten note on a piece of peach coloured paper laid on her red BENCH jacket. It read:

To My Princess Sophie,
You had cheekily requested this Bench jacket for christmas. Well! Here it is!! The weather is getting cold and u should know how much I hate the cold so wrap this around u and keep urself warm always! I have chosen Red as you are the fire of my life! Don't let that flame inside u die!

Loving u always,
Ryan
xxxx

Sophie had no idea whether to laugh or cry. She recalled how she had told Ryan that she had done him a favour by shopping for her own christmas present to save him some trouble. Ryan laughed it off calling her a cheeky girl. Sophie did not give it much thought after that assuming that Ryan was aware that it was just a joke. Sophie was touched that he had actually remembered what she wanted and had sent his dad to get her the jacket for christmas. The fact that Ryan had taken her words seriously warmed her even more.

That night, Sophie went to bed wearing the jacket while holding Bethany. Ryan had not left her and realized that the whole time Ryan was in hospital, he had Sophie in his mind, planning on how to help her get through his death and her own life.

A month went past like a bolt of lightning and it was the first time Sophie had felt this way as she had kept her life busy, living the life to the fullest as she knew that Ryan would want to see her happy. Sophie was also waiting for Ryan's next surprise. Although she had no idea how long this would last but Sophie knew that the unknown, the unpredictable kept her happy and hopeful.

Finally, on Valentine's day, she received a parcel from Ryan's sister, Caroline. In the parcel, Sophie found a cassette tape with a note saying:

Happy Valentine's day, my eternal love!

love you,
Ryan
xxxx

Shall continue this in Chapter 3!
hope everyone will like this chapter!